I think DH is heading for a breakdown and I don’t know how to help him

[JumpTheGun]

DH earns a six-figure salary, about twice what I earn. However he is deeply unhappy in is job, to the extent he is very depressed and it spills into all aspects of his life. He has said he can’t see anything positive about the future. He doesn’t think he wants to work in the same industry any more but has no idea what else he can do. I think he feels handcuffed because he has a good income, he is just going through the motions because every day he works it’s £££.

The trouble is I cannot get him to do anything to address this - everything is glass half empty, won’t work. It is exhausting trying to talk to him about it to extent i am losing patience with him.

He had free counselling sessions with work but quit them after just a few as he thought they weren’t helping.
He won’t try other counselling
He won’t go to the GP
He won’t try a career coach.

I think he’s just waiting for a tipping point when he just breaks down completely but it’s just like watching a slow motion car crash at the moment and I don’t know what to do.

Has he seen a GP.

You have my sympathy, my Dsis's DH is the same it is soul destroying and killing her marriage.

Is he a lawyer?

theres always so much to unpick in these situations abor
it self worth being tied into the job etc.

do you have kids?

I think telling him repeatedly that you are happy if he quits his job. Go through the budget and show how you’d be okay (assuming you would be)

what ages are you? Can you take a year off and travel??

Oh I am sorry OP, it’s so difficult.

Could he take a month or even 2 weeks off work to get some mojo back? Could you sit him down and point out how it will impact on you and the kids to help persuade him to do that? If he can take a mini break I’d try just booking a career coach if I were you, or if you have a holiday booked then after that.

leave articles about burnout and life after burn out hanging around. Look for a book also.

Do you have joint access to money? Start planning what you will do if he doesn’t earn for a year (six months off, six months looking)

Hello
Sorry to hear
What is the rest of the situation?
Dc? Mortgage?
How old is dh?

(Asking because these things will make a difference to what changes he can make)

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom but it's hardly fair on you to have to just stand back and watch it happen.

Have you told him how much this is impacting on you?

I had this with my DH, refused to accept it was mental. One day, at the end of my tether, I handed him a depression questionnaire used by medical professionals. He took it then realised he needed help.

I had similar with my dh & we had a hell of a time. I tried everything to make him get help but he just wouldn't

In the end, he had a breakdown & was forced to deal with everything & make changes to his life

Nearly a year later, he's so much better

It really hard but there's nothing you can do to prevent it, he has to want to make changes himself. Hopefully he'll realise this & take action

Not a lawyer, no - he’s in tech.

Not seen a GP, he won’t, despite the fact I have suggested it time and again. Despite the fact he’s seen me transformed by taking anti-depressants. He think this is different and ADs won’t work because his depression is situational. He doesn’t think talking therapy will help.

On any objective measure I can see he is great at his job. He was headhunted into his current role by someone who he had worked with closely before, it’s not like he blagged his way in. His current boss has just given him extra responsibility over other people in his team who could have been given it. He’s smart and articulate, and a complete perfectionist.

But he has the most crushing case of imposter syndrome - he constantly thinks he’s about the get “found out”, that he’s not qualified for the job, that he’s completely useless.

I was like this in my previous career ( although no where near the six figures). You just have to bit the bullet and leave and do something different before your life is ruined. I appreciate the more you earn and rely on the money the harder it is but you just have to be prepared to make changes/ adjust your lifestyle for increased happiness.

We have primary aged DC. Other than DH life is peachy - children happy, love where we live, great friends etc.

we’ve done the maths and we could eek by on my salary in the short term. We’ve got a comfortable amount of savings too.

I think he thinks he would be a failure if he gave up the six figure salary. I keep telling him the fact he has earned a six figure salary this long has bought us a nice house, taken us on lovely holidays and earned him the savings needed for him to say “fuck it I want to do something else”. He’s earned the right to say “this isn’t working for me any more”. I keep telling him I don’t love him because he’s a high earner. It doesn’t seem to get through!

Depression rears it's ugly head in men just like this. As PP have said he probably needs to hit rock bottom, and try not to think of his inability of be helped right now as any reflection on you.
Just be there for him when he needs you.

Anti depressants may be a useful sticking plaster - but ultimately this sounds like it’s all about who he thinks he is as a person etc - no quick fixes!

travel and time off is not The Solution but can belp

Mine was in a similar situation.

He’s used money from an inheritance to quit, with the hope expectation that he’ll have about three months of headspace including finding another job that makes him happier.

Weirdly I’m not worried about him finding something because he’s always being headhunted (also tech) but I am worried he’s not making the most of his “sabbatical” but is still quite stressed.

JumpTheGun, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, it must be incredibly worrying for both of you. Your posts show your support and your last one really should have given him some relief even if it won't cure him, that was so supportive and kind.

Could you possibly get hold of that depression questionnaire that KangarooKenny refers to, and let him figure it out for himself? He may the elect to see a professional.

What about you? Do you have somebody to talk to in real life?

Some people just will not listen. Sometimes they are paralysed by indecision- it sounds like your DH can’t think; which is a worrying sign that he is mid breakdown and on autopilot.

There is only so much you can do, be supportive, take the stress off and catch him when he falls.

Just responding to this one. I left a job that really burnt me out. It fully took me three months to feel anything like back to normal. I wouldn't worry that he isn't enjoying his time off, so long as he is resting and recuperating.

OP: good luck. It sounds like you are being hugely supportive which will mean a lot. I agree with others who say that when things are this bad, the only option is to quit the job.

He’s done that the standard NHS “are you depressed?” Questionnaire. He is depressed. He knows he’s depressed. He still doesn’t think going to the GP will help.

He thinks he is somehow uniquely useless and incapable and no one can possibly understand this or help him.

i can’t convince him that this rock-bottom self-worth is in no way rational or an objective reflection of his capability.

You would know none of this to see him at work or socially by the way, he hides it well. At home though he has emotionally checked out.

He doesn't have any energy left for home, that's why it looks like he has checked out. Will he try meditation? One thing a day to do that he likes? What are his coping strategies (other than burying his head in the sand?).

Give him an ultimatum. He's being monstrously unfair on you and your children.

He gets help or you go.