Woman's Hour: MIL have higher expectations of DIL than SIL

[Ottersmith]

Did you hear the woman on Woman's Hour talking about having relationships with your adult children. She said that most Mothers said they had a good relationship with their Son in Laws but when they dug deeper they found that they hardly ever saw them or spent time with them. On the other hand they would always complain of not having a good relationship with DIL as they seemed to expect a lot more from them, to spend time with them, for them to be more 'daughterly.'

I always suspected this double standard was a thing but it's interesting to hear that this study backs it up. I know my MIL at first expected a close relationship with me; wanted to go shopping together etc. My own Mother however barely sees or bothers with any of her SIL and couldn't give a shit. My Mother has had it easy I suppose cos she only had daughters so never had to tiptoe around DILs with new babies etc.

I've an adult DD and an adult DS. Both married. I have a nice relationship with my DSIL but I'm much closer to DDIL. We have a lot more in common and do things together just the two of us.

I feel very lucky with all four of them, but especially lucky to get a DDIL as I would have missed out on a really special relationship had I had only DSILs.

I have two SILs, who I get on very well with, but my DIL is particularly special to me. It may help that she is estranged from her own mother, but we spend a lot of time together - at least two days a week - and I'm as close to her as I am to my daughters.

I think some of it depends, I have a friend with adult sons and she always said that she knew she needed to work to have good relationships with their partners because otherwise she may not get to have the relationships with any children otherwise. Think when you have girls you assume that you will have that relationship either way. Have to say lot of posts on mn backs this theory up.

See as a parent of adult children I wanted to work hard to have a good relationship with my children's partners for their own sake, and because they are part of my family, not to get access to grandchildren.

It just so happens that because we are both women, in some ways it has been easier to build a close relationship with my DDIL.

I don't believe that it would have mattered less if I hadn't gotten on with my DSIL either- I don't think I'd be anywhere near as close to my DD if she thought I didn't like her DH!

I knew it would be important to get on with both of my children's partners regardless of sex and that is what I've set out to do. It's just been a bit easier with DDIL.

Also, I look after DGS for DS and DDIL once a week and I've noticed a lot more dads at the toddler group we go to.

Chatting to them (love a good natter) it seems there is a lot more paternity leave/working part time/SAHD situations going on, and I'd be interested to know how this will affect the dynamic.

Might be a lot more MILS/SILS having to negotiate boundaries around DC/GDC than there has been in the past. I'm all for it though, I just think family is so important and anything that strengthens that bond and builds understanding is great