How to tell my mum that she can't come in

[Overfullwardrobe]

My lovely mum lives 10 minutes away from us, and loves to randomly pop in at least once a week. We do have her and my dad over for tea once a week, and often see them at the weekends too. The problem is that she often chose to just pop in at really inconvenient times, often at 4.30/5pm when me or DH are cooking tea, and the DC are all coming and going to various activities, and I can't really stop for a chat. Today she came over as I getting tea on the table, one of the kids was getting ready to go out the door for cubs and one of them has a friend over. I find it really hard to say to her that now is not a good time to come over. Any tips on how I can do this gently, so that she gets the message that it's best to arrange visits in advance, or not to pop over at tea time?!

Put her to work to help with kids , or maybe ask her to avoid dinner times as it’s a bit too chaotic? She sounds lovely so I wouldn’t want to put her off/upset her. Hopefully you’ll find a way of telling her without causing upset

Do you think she likes the bustling family life, or does she seem put out that you can't put the kettle on and sit down for a chat? Try putting her to work, as @serenghetti2011 says. If she doesn't like it, then you can have the talk.

Sounds like my mil! She's just popped in as I'm waiting for a friend to come round!! 🤦🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

My mum lives in a different country and I would love if this was a regular occurrence!

Even if it's not great timing, surely she can grab herself a tea and just enjoy being part of the family?

My mum lives in a different country and I would love if this was a regular occurrence!

Well my mums dead, I'd love her to live abroad where I can visit.

Jeez I hate replies like that.

Op is the issue you feel you need to talk to her or do you just rather not have her there at tea time or that you want a text to ask if it is convenient. I always think finding out exactly what you want makes the conversation easier .
So if her being there and helping would work, tell her to make the tea, sort the cub uniform, wash up etc. She can then choose if this is what she wants.
If it is just too manic sugar coat honesty. So mum I can't have you at tea time as we can't get to chat and I feel like we are both missing out so ......time would suit better . Or just mum I love you but life is too busy to just pop in.

Thanks for the replies.
@MrsRobinsonsHandprints you're right, I think I need to have think about the exact reason why it doesn't work, and what would work better, and let her know.
She's not a fan of hustle and bustle and often comments on how hectic our house is, so I don't think she's coming here to enjoy that!

Have you explained it to her? I can;t understand why she would be offended. Just say 'Can you come after 5:30 because I can stop for a cup of tea then' or something.

Clarify exactly what it is that isn't working for you so you are going in with a specific suggestion, not a general moan. If you are you happy with spontaneous visits outside witching hour, say please could you avoid 3-6pm or whatever. It's a bit trickier if you want her to both warn you every time and to avoid that time every day.

It sounds like you get on pretty well though so hopefully she will understand. After a particularly manic visit is 100% the best time to bring it up.

Suggest she texts you have n the morning and says she fancies popping over today and is there a good time?

so that she gets the message that it's best to arrange visits in advance, or not to pop over at tea time?!

Next time she pops round at tea time, say “Hi Mum - sorry, can’t put the kettle on or stop to chat, it’s manic every day between 4-6, don’t know if I’m coming or going. Shall we make time tomorrow/Weds/whatever?”

My mum and dad did this. My advice to you is treasure every moment.

Make her a cup of tea, give her a task. She's called around to be with family, she is family, you don't have to entertain her at all. Involve her as an extra pair of hands and tell her how much you appreciate her help.

Soon enough these moments will be gone and you'll regret not appreciating them. Life is short.

Does she let herself in or just knock on the door? 'Sorry Mum, it's not a great time right now. Are you free for a cuppa tomorrow at x time?'

I really don't think op's dm has been on the doorstep since July!

I think just be direct. “I’m just popping Lucy to club and then Barry has his friend over. Can you pop back about 6:30 when we’ll be feee/tomorrow evening when we don’t have any clubs on”.

There's always one,🙄

Just let her in and crack on with what your doing

My mum and dad did this. My advice to you is treasure every moment

OP has said that The problem is that she often chose to just pop in at really inconvenient times, often at 4.30/5pm when me or DH are cooking tea, and the DC are all coming and going to various activities, and I can't really stop for a chat.

She's perfectly entitled to tell her mother that the popping in is inconvenient and causes a problem. I really don't think that's in the same league as one day your DM will be dead and you'll be sorry you didn't make time for her. That's a rather nasty form of bullying, IMO

My MIL does this, it causes problems because my eldest is autistic and can't cope with it, but he melts down about it after she's gone so she thinks I'm overreacting when I complain about it. Now she's started driving up the drive, and then either tiptoeing in or just sitting in her car on the driveway and messaging to ask if she can come in, but the dog has barked the house down by then so it's a pointless exercise, I really don't know why she can't just text before she leaves to come to ask if it's a good time. I would never just turn up at someone's house no matter the relationship, it takes seconds to send a text first

As a MIL I would not do this to my son and his wife. They have two children 5 and 7 and I live 15 mins away in the car. I would like to see my grandchildren but this seems to rarely be possible. Weekday evenings are busy for families and they seem to plan activities all weekend. I know I would appreciate being included in family life especially as I live alone. I would be very hurt if I arrived to be told to call back later to be honest.

Well there's your in. Next time you can reply along the lines of 'it's not always this crazy, you just seem to come at the busiest times of the day! How about you text me first next time and I'll let you know how we're going?'

Oh shit, zombie thread! 😐

Can you make a joke of it? Would she get the point that way? For example, next time she comments on how hectic your household is, could you say “well you will insist on visiting during the absolute busiest time of our day when we’re running around sorting tea and getting ready for clubs. What are you like?”Eyeroll, chuckle etc.
Or just tell her straight. She’s your mum!

Tell her the truth, @Overfullwardrobe — she’s your mum, you love each other and a gentle conversation could go a long ways. Maybe the two of you could find a happy medium.

I'd word it along tge lines that you Don feel irs quality time as you can't sit down and relax at that time with her. If you don't work afternoons, you could suggest 4-5pm after school pick up, that way she gets a have a chat with all of you.

Work out the times of day that might suit you better and tell her that you’ve worked out your home is a bit more relaxed at x times and “please pop in then if can, as I would like to be able to sit down and chat with you”.