Tips for dealing with difficult, demanding, entitled and inconsiderate SIL

[HuntyGirl]

Cannot give too much background as it would be outing. However, SIL is a 30+ year old woman but is very entitled, spoilt and has high expectations of her family members, especially my DH. We have lots of arguments about this and it creates a real issue in our marriage which is starting to really get me down. I feel a lot of resentment towards her now because of her expectations and the way her demands requests cause issues in my marriage.

She lacks awareness of boundaries and DH is not good at communicating these effectively to her, but when I do, she cries or makes a big fuss. Honestly, I try to have minimal contact but that only goes so far.

Any advice with how to deal with a SIL like this?

I swear this is like reading my own life. Expect no arguments. She's just an entitled, spoiled brat and hates that fact that I've birthed the first granddaughter and she's no longer the Apple or everyone's eye. Her attitude stinks and the self entitlement is just beyond.

It's caused a few rows here, so the way I deal with it now is just simple.

I ignore.

Kill her with kindness and move on. Put your marriage first and block out the noise! Xx

What type of things does she do? It is hard to advise without knowing the issues she is creating and how your DH responds.

@nbrown2022x this is it! When DH and I got engaged I said I was considering taking MIL with me to one of my dress appointments, SIL responded "well I'm her only daughter so she's going to be most excited about my wedding". SIL was single at the time. What an unkind and unnecessary comment. Needless to say I didn't take MIL as I couldn't be arsed with any more comments.

When DH's brother got married she was crying because BIL's wife didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. She of course ended up being one. Despite the fact she didn't get on with BIL's wife. Very bizarre behaviour. Entitled and just disgusting tbh

@KatherineJaneway

Examples:

• when DH and I were in a relationship, I would visit his parents for dinner in the week etc as DH lived in another city at the time so I wanted to get to know them etc. She would come home from work and completely ignore me, sigh loudly, make sly comments etc. When I would raise it asking her WHAT HER PROBLEM WAS, she would say "I don't expect you to be in my house when I get home from work, it's my space and I can't relax with you here". At this point she worked and lived in another city an hour away and was coming home in the evenings to see her parents. So why should I have to notify her in advance that I was going to visit DH's parents? Just rude.

• asking DH to go to her house regularly to do things like change lightbulbs, get things out the loft, have a look at broken furniture.

• coming to our house and being disrespectful to me so I feel uncomfortable. Under the breath comments etc. DH called her and said don't come back to my house if you can't respect my wife.

• she would be so rude about me to her friends (which I know as we have some mutual friends so it came back to me), then go to DH and say that other people were actually saying the nasty things.

• our birthdays are close together and she will always kick up a fuss that DH wants to actually spend my birthday with me rather than going to her elaborate events.

If the world doesn't revolve around her then she will never be happy. Typical bratty behaviour and no matter what you do she'll always pick faults.

The best thing to do is just ignore her now, is difficult as that will be especially during testing moments!

She sounds like a sad jealous little bitch who can’t stand not being the only woman in her brothers life.
just tell her to fuck off already, hopefully she’ll never speak to you again.

The fact that your DH feels he cannot respond more is because in effect she is exhibiting very controlling behaviour.

The only answer is boundaries and then when she pushes back (probably very aggressively) because controlling people always do, just don’t react at all to the push back and keep the boundary in place. It will be a very slow process but eventually she will get it. Oh and the same applies to people enabling her behaviour.

Ignore her, and support your dh in building reasonable boundaries.

Don’t rise to the drama - read up in grey rock.

I’d go nc and tell my DH why .

When BIL married his wife (who I love), he said to SIL, you need to realise you won't be the most important girl in my life anymore as I will have a wife who I need to prioritise etc. She started crying and said why. I think that is the best example of her awful behaviour.

Sounds like two of my SILs. My only proven strategy is to have as little to do with them as possible. When that’s unavoidable, I brace myself for the drama because it WILL come. I have learned that saying nothing to anyone (including them) works well. They feel like they have free reign and let rip. Everyone sees them act up. Nothing is muddied or confused by “well, she said blah blah blah…” because I’ve never said anything. I’ve noticed, now, that they’re starting to stay away from me. Result!

Have to say, this is only possible because the brothers concerned also see these SILs for what they are and - now - believe me. There was a time when each was a source of argument with the corresponding brother. I just had to ride that time out. I knew I was in the right and wasn’t going to give in.

@Eatingchips I try to set boundaries and DH seems like he's all on board but he struggles to enforce them. They grew up with her being the only girl and he always says that means she had more say. Ridiculous. Just ridiculous. Whenever I try to raise issues, he gets so upset as he feels he's in the middle or he starts shouting that I hate his family (MIL can be difficult too but she's making an effort atm) and I'm attacking them.

@Trivester thanks - reading up.

@MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler - not an option. It would make DH too upset and I really don't want him to be. I have minimal contact but do still interact for his sake

Actually reading this @HuntyGirl your problem is actually a DH problem then and your boundaries around behaviour are with him.

You need to take a look at how this is affecting your or your children’s needs getting met and put boundaries on your DH around those issues and completely take the focus off your SIL.

One of my SIL is a pretty unpleasant person. She can be cruel and manipulative however equally she can be generous and adores my kids. I still have a reasonably good extremely superficial light touch relationship with her (positive light grey rocked). I try not to get into the trap of discussing her negatively with DH and he has another fabulous DSis to give out about her with who complete gets the issues because it is really her who gets the brunt of the nastiness from the DSiL. Don’t expect a good relationship with your DSiL, keep it light touch, don’t discuss her negatively with your DH, allow him to deal with them and set boundaries about where things affect your families needs. That would be my advice.

@alphons this is great advice, thanks. DH doesn't have a big family so is really close to her which makes it difficult. Then I feel like I'm made to feel bad as we don't have her round much etc. Just ridiculous

@Eatingchips I completely appreciate your point and I do think it's something that needs to be sorted with DH. But it's also her unreasonable expectations on peoples time and resources that is too much. Or the sly comments when we're together. DH just thinks she's a great person and loves her so much of course as she's his sister. Sometimes he can see when she's done something wrong but even then he's so defensive of her and it just creates arguments.

Tbh, I just want minimal contact with her. My friend asked me what she would have to do for our relationship to change. A literal personality transplant would do it. She would need to be considerate, not be entitled and think about how her actions and demands affect others. I honestly cannot take anymore of her but do not know what to do as contact is already at a minimum. Talking Christmas, birthdays and minimal seeing in between.

I have 2 SILs - one is lovely and one is a cow.

I understand you don't want to make things hard for your DH however, he is ok with her upsetting you (because he's been trained to do whatever is needed not to upset her).
This means you need to put yourself first.

When she's being horrible, don't focus on how bad she is as it means your DH will feel he needs to defend her.
Instead explain clearly the effect she's had on you so you become the focus.

Also, don't be afraid of making things a little bit awkward - years ago my SIL made some awful comments about my family (she's a snob). I still remember the deathly silence when I asked her to repeat herself then told her she was being a cow (I wasn't that polite) and asked why she thought I would care about her opinion.
It was a very very awkward meal because I refused to let her wave it away.

I've made a few similar pointed responses over the years with the main outcome that she barely speaks to me and that suits me fine.

Biggest difference here though is that once I shone a light on it and made it clear to DH (boyfriend then) that it effected me he took more notice and backed me up even if it made things a bit uncomfortable for him.

@BaublesAndGlitter

Thanks for your really helpful advice. You're completely right. He's grown up being conditioned to make sure she's happy. An example being she was going to the shop and it was 8pm in winter and the parents said one of her brothers must go with her because it's dark. The shop was a 2 minute walk away and she was 29. Simply ridiculous.

I will definitely do that, I think it will be more productive for me to focus on how I feel rather than her deficiencies. That way he can actually hear what I'm saying rather than perceive it to be an attack on his family.

I do respond to her very directly but she either cries or acts very offended and then it looks like I'm the bad guy when I am just returning her energy. Honestly, she is so exhausting.