Siblings always fighting - end of my tether

[ParentalGuidances]

Hi all

Kids have broken up for summer holidays and all hell has broke loose at home. There’s NO peace, constant fighting and bickering and general annoyance! I can’t take it and I can’t go on like this for another 6 weeks.

Problem is the children are 3 and 9 so it’s a wide age gap, little one won’t listen, keeps annoying 9 year old mostly when I’m not in the room (which is A LOT). 9 year old gets wound up so fast as well. Please give me a solution. I’m on my own with them most of the time so can’t even split them up!

I can feel myself sinking into depression, I’m wishing all our family time away and wishing the holidays away too, I don’t want to feel like this but I’m constantly filled with dread. I basically feel like a referee between them.

Has 9to got their own space? They need time away from the 3yo.

Don't referee them. If they're arguing, say oh seems like there's a problem here. How are you going to solve it? Avoid as much as possible making one the aggressor/victim and respond to them evenly. Set safety boundaries obviously.

Get out of the house as much as possible?
Play dates?

They share a room so even if the 9yo goes into the bedroom to get peace the 3yo follows. I was thinking of getting a lock on their bedroom door so at least 9yo can have some peace and alone time away from 3yo.

I do get out when I can but sometimes there’s things to be done around the house and during that time I expect them to crack on and get on with it but I always hear “MUMMMMM” every 5min!

9yo has a very low tolerance and literally snitches when 3yo is doing regular 3yo stuff that can be ignored.

It’s a shit show.

What is your three year old expected to be doing during these times? That’s young to expect much entertaining themselves in another room, especially if there’s an older sibling to annoy/attention seek from.

It's very tricky. Can you take the 9yo aside and have a chat about it? Empathise about how annoying it can be etc and ask what the worst thing about their sibling is? Really listen. Then problem solve together? Ask what they'd like? See if you can talk about how they can handle it better when the sibling does annoying stuff? Talk about things they do actually like to do together? Structure time so they know when they look be together and when apart?

@craggydragon great advice and I’ve tried it all with no success. I’ve explained that 3yo is young and won’t change overnight so stop being triggered by such trivial things and let them go over your head. It’s not necessary to call “MUM” every time 3yo does something, surely most things can be ignored unless there’s an immediate risk to safety! 9yo is annoyed by 3yo constantly running up and whacking her, I’ve tried to explain to 3yo that doing this is naughty and we don’t hit.

I think 3yo wants 9yo attention but then maybe 3yo is just plain naughty and annoying. I notice when 9yo is just having some alone time drawing or watching a movie the 3yo will try and sabotage the activity.

I feel like running away sometimes

Yes, separate bedrooms saved our sanity. Can you perhaps offer for the 9yr to go in your bedroom if they need an escape during the day? It might make them feel a bit more grown up and still allows the little one into their room to play/ retrieve toys. (I wouldn't feel comfortable putting a lock on their bedroom door.)

I have a four year age gap so not quite as extreme as yours, but I do recognise the dynamic.

It does sound a little bit like you're expecting the 9yo to take a more adult approach to the younger one than they may be capable of right now. From the 9yo's point of view a lot of those things can't be ignored, they just aren't capable of doing the ignoring bit and they may not have the maturity yet to just brush it off.

In your shoes I think I'd take a few days of being very visibly and vocally on the 9yo's side, because it does sound like the 3yo is being a typical 3yo and wants all their attention, good or bad. So a lot of 'No, 9yo is having some quiet time, you come downstairs with me' 'No, you hit 9yo, that means you can't be with her for a while because you hurt her' etc . Because it's fair enough 9yo doesn't like being hit and the tellings off don't seem to be working.

And then doing positive reinforcement by doing some activities that you lead that they're likely to enjoy together, whether playing something outside or baking/decorating biscuits or whatever.

I do find though that mine settle down and are much better together after the first four or five days of school holidays, it takes them a bit to reset the dynamic.

Find someone else with a 3yo and a 9yo and swap/share care. Have an age group each.

a couple of ideas to try (if you havent already)

keep the 3 yr old with you and send the 9 yr old into her room for a quiet activity. The 3 yr old can ‘help’ with the housework

have a chat with the 9 yr old about how she can have ‘protected time’ while you are keeping the 3 yr old with you but in return she needs to take a deep breath and play with sibling at other specific points in the day (like when you are cooking dinner). Give them an actual activity to do together in this time

agree with both of them that their bedroom is for being nice to each other only, it is both of their safe space. So if there are arguments in the bedroom they both have to go outside and play. If this happens a couple of times when it is raining, they will stop pretty sharpish

3 yr old needs consequences for baiting the 9 yr old. Start using a naughty step. 3 is old enough to understand this pretty quickly. In fact the 9 yr old can go on the naughty step too.

leave them to it..just because they yell Mum, doesnt mean you need to go running. If 9 yr old puts the 3 yr old out of the room, then it is a reasonable solution.