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Original poster

"We can just go for a brew"

17 replies

Butterfliesandrainbow · 04/07/2022 12:04

The words I dread have just been uttered by someone who I really want to see but I have no idea about how to talk to people!

I'm totally socially inept. Can't do small talk, can never think of anything to say at all and this person in particular was meant to be getting married this month and I only found out by accident the other day when I mentioned the wedding must be soon and he replied "we're not getting married, lol, we were but it's off".

Of course, all I want to talk about is that because why on earth would you get 'unengaged' from the person that only 9 months ago you were saying was so easy going and amazing and the best thing since sliced bread... she was the love of his life and they're presumably still together but not getting married??

Anyway I don't feel I can talk about that and when I said to him that I'm rubbish at small talk so unless he has something to say it might a be a bit quiet and awkward (we only see each other once or twice a year and the most recent time was 9 months ago when he was telling me about his - then newly engaged - fiancee so I didn't need to talk much), he said "it's OK. We can just go for a brew! I don't like small talk either".

... so what do we talk about if he doesn't like small talk, I can't do small talk and I don't want to bring up his love life? Lol.

What do normal people chat about?

Help a socially inept girl out? :)

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 04/07/2022 12:08

You’re WAY WAY overthinking this! You can ask him why they split up. He can chat to you about something else. You can discuss how delicious the cake is with your coffee/tea, or talk about work, or something going on soon like an upcoming holiday, or literally anything. Do you have mutual friends? Talk about them. A mutual hobby? Talk about that. Went to the same school? Etc. Presumably he’s not out of the blue in your life so you must have met him somehow doing something?

Hillrunning · 04/07/2022 12:10

You ask your friend about thier life and take their lead with regards to how much they want to talk about thier love life. Then you talk to them about your life.

You know him right? Small talk tends to be something that happens with people you don't know or don't have much in common with. I'd never have small talk with an actual friend.

goldfinchonthelawn · 04/07/2022 12:13

Why not ask him if he wants to talk about the break up?
If he says yes, just say, Are you OK? Is she OK? How did the families react? You could ask practical stuff like where he'll be living now.

If he doesn't want to discuss it, then the usual: what are your plans for summer? How's work going?

Think of a few things you can talk about for a bit - a good gig/film/show/exhibition/sports event you saw recently or a good thing that's happened in your life at work or related to some hobby. Chat about any holidays you have planned. Share news of family members if he knows them. Etc.

You'll be fine.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/07/2022 12:20

ask him how he is - if he wants to talk about the break up then he probably will

Wimbledon
any sports you are both interested in

latest movie you saw or want to see

your family

the coffee shop. Other places you like to go and eat

covid if all else fails

stayingpositiveifpossible · 04/07/2022 12:24

Actually doing an activity (or even walking) sometimes makes it easier to talk as you are not at a table staring at each other?

Dodolovesme · 04/07/2022 13:13

Could you do an activity?? Something like bowling or rock climbing etc where it's ok for beginners but automatically gives you something to talk about?

KurriKawari · 04/07/2022 13:27

Is this a friend or someone you're interested in dating? How long have you known them? Do you have mutual friends?

Original poster

Butterfliesandrainbow · 04/07/2022 13:56

No mutual friends, he's someone I've known for around 8 years and I do still fancy him a bit but we tried to date back then, it never really went anywhere and then I got into a long, quite abusive and controlling relationship. We spoke off and on during that but couldn't meet up or anything due to my then-partner.

We're more just kind of, seeing each other around town now and again and being pleased to see each other but it couldn't really progress any further (friendship wise or other).

I'm single now and he knows this, but that's the reason I don't think it would be appropriate to bring up his relationship.

All the things mentioned above - I've been out of my crappy relationship for about 6 months and never had a life before that so no hobbies, interests, job...anything to do with my current life he kind of knows as we spoke the other day and not much happens to me really that's worth talking about!

I was wondering whether to just suggest sitting or walking in the park, it's just down the road from the coffee shop and would be easier I think than sitting opposite him...don't want it to seem too date like though!?

I know I'm overthinking but I do about all things, all the time 😶

OP posts:

takeitandleaveit · 04/07/2022 15:12

Just go and have a cup of tea/coffee. If you start to feel uncomfortable and want to leave, invent a dentist appointment or something.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 04/07/2022 15:45

You don't read, watch TV, read the news, make/eat nice food.... nothing to casually mention and discuss at all?

Original poster

Butterfliesandrainbow · 04/07/2022 16:07

TheWayoftheLeaf · 04/07/2022 15:45

You don't read, watch TV, read the news, make/eat nice food.... nothing to casually mention and discuss at all?

I'm still coming out of the "nothingness" I had with my ex.

Watch the news, yes, but that's all out of the things on your list 😶

OP posts:

KurriKawari · 04/07/2022 16:45

If I was meeting up with someone today these are topics I could bore them with:

wimbledon, I have zero interest but leads to a nice convo about sports n pastimes and even embarrassing school PE stories
my kitchen renovation, again chit chat about houses and likes/ideas etc
my upcoming holiday, has he been anywhere similar, Where's he going soon, whats his ultimate holiday destination
my new neighbours and how entertaining they are, what's it like where he lives, has he lived there long
work, I have interesting job, ask him about his job, is that what he always saw himself doing etc
my family, we are meeting up the weekend for dinner, what I'm cooking, ask him about his family, do they live close, is he seeing them soon, does he cook

He can learn about you and you can learn about him.

Iceewicee · 04/07/2022 16:49

Are you sure he's actually wanting to meet up for the brew and not something else?!

KurriKawari · 04/07/2022 16:58

Well if it is something else, then least you won't have to worry about small talk!

VioletCharlotte · 04/07/2022 17:00

He may well want to talk about what happened. Some (not all!) men find it easier to talk to women than to other men. I would just say "so how have you been?" And go from there. Most people love talking about themselves so the secret to conversation is to ask lots of questions and be a good listener.

IcakethereforeIam · 04/07/2022 17:22

If you're not likely to be overheard, comment on the other people in the cafe/Park. What their jobs are, what celebrity they look like, what breed they would be if they were a dog. Something for the back pocket if other conversational gambits run out.

skybluee · 04/07/2022 18:15

I think the suggestion of going for a walk or doing an activity is a good one.

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