Feel unfulfilled and lonely!

[Dieselfungus]

I’m a late 20s woman, objectively I think I’m doing ok. Live in an expensive U.K. city, have a good job, good circle of friends. I don’t have a partner or family though and I do feel lonely quite a lot of the time!

I have a “busy” life but something that gets to me is that I’m pretty chaotic and chronically disorganised. It astounds me that I’ve managed to get a decent job and sometimes I feel I’m here by the skin of my teeth!

I went away recently with friends and one of them kind of lectured me on organisation and habits etc - if I’m honest I’m 99% sure I have ADHD but don’t want to get a diagnosis as don’t want a crutch!

anyway I was wondering if you could please give me your best organisation and general life tips? Things like how to organise myself, what to do, what to listen to, what to read! I just feel so overwhelmed to the point I don’t know what to do and how to live 🤷‍♀️

as a consequence of the above I feel pretty unfulfilled and lonely! Almost feel like there are too many choices, options, things to do and my brain just shuts down.

can you help me plan my life?!? I feel so rudderless and stuck. Find myself comparing myself to friends who just seem so much more “on it” and together - they have opinions on things, they know what they want, they are self assured. I’m a smart person, I’m educated, I’m really high earning (not to boast just saying because I can’t believe it sometimes, I’m actually useless at life...) so I’m not stupid and when I apply myself I can do very well - I just don’t know what I’m doing 99% of the time!

please help 🌹

You don't need to compare yourself. You don't need to be perfect, accept who you are.

Thanks! I guess what I’m asking is what is your daily routine? And your top tips for a life well lived?

I want to improve as right now things aren’t working for me.

I have always had a late breakfast, very little alcohol and sugar, always exercised and also tried many different classes and was always perfectly ok saying no to things I didn’t want to do. Apparently this is more likely to come with age.

I had a very abusive upbringing and it made me very self reliant and a fast decision maker.

I think some kind of therapy/counselling could help you tbh. Random people on the internet really don't know enough about you to give any useful advice but an opportunity to talk through your challenges with someone who could help you come to decisions that would be right for you might be useful. Not with the objective of getting any kind of diagnosis as you have said that is not what you want, just an opportunity to take some kind of control of your life that would make you feel better.

Why do you feel like getting a diagnosis would be a crutch?

"if I’m honest I’m 99% sure I have ADHD but don’t want to get a diagnosis as don’t want a crutch!"

I'm sorry, what?!?

How is an ADHD diagnosis "a crutch"?!?

A diagnosis needn’t be a crutch, it can be a gateway to information and support that can allow you to live a better life.

I have a high pressure job and for years have operated in high stress mode as I, like you, get overwhelmed by thoughts, ideas, choices and my head is so full that it’s nigh impossible to concentrate.

I mentioned this to my dr last year who said 🤔 and asked if I wanted to try a medication. Omg game changer. Since starting it I now sit down and work. My production rate is through the roof and all my anxiety has fallen away because I know everything will work out fine. I can’t actually believe I ever coped before.

You've made a point of saying that you're v high earning which means it's clear you do 'have your stuff together'.

Why are you pretending otherwise?

I wish posters would say 'I just want to brag' rather than cover it up in some faux woe is me narrative. This isn't specific just to you; there are many posters who do this...

We really need a topic added eg Brags or Boasts and then pple can put all that stuff there.

I’m in a very similar life situation to you, except that I consider myself to be extremely well organised.

First of all, I too have days where I wonder what on earth I’m doing with my life. Something nothing works and it’s all a mess.

Thing that personally help me:

• Have a list of things you need to do. These can be normal tasks - washing up, bien out, wash hair - and stuff like organising Amazon return, drop by the post office, buy birthday present for X. I keep this on my phone and add as needed. Tick as completed when I finish. Add back to the list when I need to do it again.
• Write out a schedule for each day just before going to bed. Include all tasks that must be completed over the next 24 hours. Very detailed - 7am alarm, 7:30 dressed and hair done, 8 breakfast and wash up, 8:30 take bins out on way to bus stop etc.
• Don’t leave things until the last minute (easier said than done).
• Have a set day or half day each week when you catch up with housework or specific activities that are more time-consuming. This is your sacred time during which no social commitments must be made if you can avoid it.

Routine, routine, routine. I try to eat at the same times each day. I go to my local church and help out with various groups on the same day each week. I phone my mum at the same time on a Monday. If I can, of course.

I travel abroad for work several times a month so being organised helps me keep it all together. You need to anticipate certain tasks and start way earlier than you think you need to.

All this said, I’m still stressing a lot of the time because something isn’t ready or done properly. I also have a friend who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and initially it helped her make peace with how her brain just worked differently to other people’s. Then she turned it into an excuse for laziness (her words not mine) which I definitely do not recommend! I don’t think getting an official diagnosis would be a bad thing, but of course I’m not you.

Best speak to your GP re referral. There is loads of good ADHD info online. You may need medication though. I too suggest counselling.

I am a slave to the 'To Do' list, and very good at multitasking, juggling and organising. I've always been quite clear on what I want to do - then will make it happen.
My challenge is to try and switch that off as it can get a bit relentless. I'm not very good at sitting on the sofa doing nothing unless I'm really tired

This is very useful! Thanks for asking it OP.
can I ask getupstandupsitdown how you actually do the things on the list? I try to be very clear about what I want to happen, write a list..and then get scared/ distracted mental block..what does your mind tell you so that you get things done without scuppering yourself? Thank you!

A list for an organized person is different to a list for someone who suspects ADHD. I write lists and get distracted half way through! They are still useful, but don't look to your organized friends for help. 5 things on the back of an envelope suits me better than a detailed system. I'm more likely to succeed.

@ouch321 no it’s not a boast at all, its a way of anonymously highlighting that I’m capable but also really, really not. One of my friends was quite patronising last week and basically mansplained organisation to me. He meant well but I wanted to say “look I’m not a complete fuck up, I work really hard and walk away with a good amount, my work value me, I just can’t get my shit together!”

does that make sense?!

thanks for all the excellent advice upthread!

tbh I think I probably am lazy as well which is completely independent from any ADHD potential diagnosis, obviously. I also spend too much time in my own head and alone, and really struggle with having any “role models” around me or anyone to split jobs with me. Just kind of cut corners in my personal life because I can really.

please keep the tips coming, I’m going to read them all later over a strong coffee and use them to change my life for the better...

This is exactly me! What did they diagnose and can I ask what you're taking ?

I am similar to you OP one day years ago an office manager got absolute fed up with me because I'd forgotten something yet again despite being high up in the company and she was definitely out of turn but I realised how annoying I must be for her to get so annoyed... anyway she said why don't you use your diary and I started to make excuses and she said diary now. PUT IT DIARY RIGHT NOW!!!
And so I did. And it worked; I am almost certain I have adhd. I remember a high school teacher telling me if I didn't get myself organised in school I'd never be organised for the rest of my life and there's been many a day I've felt like I've failed because I never did organise myself, despite doing ok.

Anyway ten years on since the office manager incident, I put everything in the diary immediately. It probably took 5 years of practice to finally be so fluent it's second nature but it's changed my life. Anytime I find myself thinking I'll do it later I hear NO PUT IT IN THE DIARY NOW. And it's a life saver since having dc especially. My phone reminds me of all the things I'll definitely forget if I try to remember them in my brain.
Good luck with everything though. You sound like you're doing great.