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Original poster

My mum and his mum in the same room. Arghh.

14 replies

Userno63638272725 · 02/07/2022 17:19

Been with Dp 10 years. Both our mums live locally but only met a few times. When they did meet it wasn't great. They both have partners but neither me or Dp know our fathers do that's not an issue.

my mum is very over bearing and over friendly and it can come across as annoying or patronising. Just a bit in your face.

dp's mum is quieter, will act nice to face but quite bitchy and will make snide remarks etc.

I try and avoid them meeting now. Kids birthdays they come over at different times etc.

both seem to compete with each other too. Both seem to think that we see more of the other but honestly we go a few weeks or more without seeing either to be honest.

but holding a birthday party for Dd and her friend soon, first party we've done due to covid but they become want to come and help.

I am so anxious about it?? How do you get over the anxiety?

Party is in a village hall. I've told them that no one is coming over to our house after the party. I'll find it too much having them both and the rest of the family in the house. I can't say no to one and yes to the other.

I just don't want them to ruin the vibe.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 02/07/2022 17:28

concentrate on the party and let them get on with it

SomeLikeItWarm · 02/07/2022 17:31

Been there too OP, just let them get on with it, honestly it's not your job to worry about this xx

Stomacharmeleon · 02/07/2022 17:34

Give them both specific and non competitive jobs to do?

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myplace · 02/07/2022 17:45

Yep, give them jobs. One can do the welcoming/looking after the visitors thing, while the other does the keeping the food topped up bit with you working alongside.

Be very glad you've got help. I never did.

Eightiesfan · 02/07/2022 17:51

I’ve been with DP for over 20 years. My mum has only met DP parents one time.
DP mum is a bit of a harpy and upset my DM, who left after less than 20 minutes.

The falling out was about helping in the kitchen, our DC was about 3m old at the time and MIL kept shooing my mum away when she tried to help prepare the food.

We’ve never tried to have a ‘family’ gathering since, it has made no difference to us. We are unlikely to get married, but if we do it will just be us and our DC.

mrsbitaly · 02/07/2022 17:56

They may surprise you and just knuckle down and want to be as helpful as possible. I've been with my husband for 12 years and our families have met only handful of times they are VERY different but when I have got them together for a birthday party they have just got on with it and chatted.

Thinkingblonde · 02/07/2022 17:58

They are grown ups and can act like adults or not,

Leave them to police themselves and you just concentrate on the birthday girl, her friends and the party.

Lindy2 · 02/07/2022 18:08

Different personalities can get on OK, especially if it's just for a limited amount of time.

As a PP said, give them each a couple of specific jobs to do and let them get on with enjoying the party.

Haveatakeaway · 02/07/2022 18:11

Do they acknowledge that they don't seem to like each other? If they do I think you should say you can come on the condition you don't behave worse than the children lol.

If not then I think you know them best and what would be the worst possible outcome? Kids party's can be stressful enough without worrying about grandmother's having handbags at dawn over the sausage rolls. If it's something that could continue to cause tension and stress further down the line for you maybe just say "this party's just going to be dds friends this time, you wouldn't get to see much of her anyway, so I planned for you to come over On X day for cake and presents" to each with different days?

ComfyChairPose · 02/07/2022 18:23

I'd try and disconnect from caring about whether they enjoy each other's company or not.

I don't love everybody but I can get through short bursts with even the most annoying people. I can disguise my annoyance. Don't feel I have to let them know that it's difficult for me, and some people no doubt do that for me!

It doesn't have to be so hard. If they make it hard, then that's kind of their choice.

Yeh, each might have a point, but they're not in a relationship. Each of you tellyour mums to just smile and nod, and think tomorrow I'll be somewhere else.

Original poster
Userno63638272725 · 02/07/2022 18:35

myplace · 02/07/2022 17:45

Yep, give them jobs. One can do the welcoming/looking after the visitors thing, while the other does the keeping the food topped up bit with you working alongside.

Be very glad you've got help. I never did.

hugs 💗 they don't help much otherwise, in fact hardly ever but have both been very gushy with this party 😩 go weeks without seeing either usually so I can sympathise somewhat! 💗

OP posts:
Original poster
Userno63638272725 · 02/07/2022 18:37

Their relationship is odd. They haven't really ever argued as such but when they communicate they are both very competitive, and end up rubbing each other up the wrong way then moan about each other. I tend to stay out of it. I know my mums difficult, but mil isn't perfect either!

always feel like they have to have one up on each other!

OP posts:
ladydoris · 02/07/2022 19:50

Get a mental tape, in ten years time you will laugh over it. Concentrate on excellent food snacking and your dd happiness though. Cool stuff to have a party after the dreadful lockdown. They might have mellowed, who knows.

PriamFarrl · 02/07/2022 19:52

You and your DH are fully fledged adults. What two other adult women do and say is up to them and not worth you worrying about.

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