Was I wrong for telling my teen dd about my sexual assault? (TRIGGER WARNING)

[AnotherAnonMum]

Hi,

I am after a bit of advice and support actually.

A couple of weeks ago, my dd and I were having a debate about unisex toilets/ trans rights etc (really don't want this to turn into a trans debate on here) and whereas I had no intention of telling her about my assault, it just came out. The reason for this was, given the details of my assault( I was quite seriously sexually assaulted on the way to the toilets) I was making the point that had I been going into a uni sex toilet, he could have followed me in to toilets, into a cubicle, to continue the assault. The only reason he stopped was because someone came out the man's toilet. I was frozen with fear and hid in the toilets for about an hour.

Anyway, it seemed to stop the debate in it's tracks, but it really really upset my dd. She has said she's absolutely devastated that happened to me and can't get it out her mind.

I feel awful. I only told her about it to give her an example of when women might feel uncomfortable and when it could potentially go very wrong.

I know my intentions weren't bad. What should I say if she brings it up again? Do I apologise for telling her? I think I did actually when she first got upset.

Advice on how to handle this would be very much appreciated.

Thanks.

Older teenagers/young adults can think they are invisible, especially if they are lucky enough that nothing bad has happened to them or their friends. So it’s easy for them to talk about shared spaces without really comprehending why it’s not a great idea. Depending on how old you dd is, it’s not the worst thing you could have told her, it’s a reality check in some ways. Maybe discuss ways that you changed to stay safer, how you look to help other women if you see they are in need … not exactly the positives because having to change behaviour because of a predator isn’t positive but maybe less dark for a teenager to understand?

It might sound a bit extreme, but rape crisis can give support to family members and you could suggest this if she seems to be distressed about it.
It could be a safe outlet for her to talk about her feelings.

My 3 know of my assaults and abuse. Told factually and within context. Whilst it's an upsetting topic, it happens far too often and sadly is often treated like a dirty secret.

I'm sorry your dd is upset, but these things happen so frequently I think it's important for her to be aware of it as a real issue and not some nebulous idea that happens to other people'. As a pp said, perhaps sone support for her would be useful

How old is she, op?

I don't think it's wrong to tell your dd that you were a victim of sexual assault. She's obviously shocked and upset by which is natural when someone you love tells you that something terrible happened to them.

Maybe you can manage to carry on the conversation once she's over the shock and hopefully she'll understand now why you are so passionate that women have safe spaces.

I am sorry that happened, op.

Thanks for your replies so far.

I think it might have also scared her, as she's always been aware that these things happen all too often, but when it's someone close to you, it suddenly makes it more real.

@Playplayaway , She's 15.

I think it's fine in the context you brought it up. She's 15, not 11.

I was sexually abused as a child and I don't plan to tell my children about it, generally speaking. But if I thought it would help their understanding of something like you in this context I would tell them. Sometimes hypothetical experiences of this or that could happen isn't close enough to home for people to really get it. It sounds like you used it to demonstrate your views and not to emotionally manipulate for example, so I do think it's OK. Also a sad and perhaps harsh but realistic insight into the world we live in