I’m a compulsive liar

[Moonbun]

I don’t know how to stop. I’ve done it since I was a child about big and small things. I do it without knowing I’m going to lie until it’s out of my mouth. I think it started as a way of feeling safe. But now I just don’t know how to tell the truth. And it’s ruining my life. Has anyone had anything similar and been able to get it under control? Or am I always going to be stuck like this?

I have no advice. I would like to know why you do it.

What sort of things do you lie about?

Are you married? Single? Do you have kids?

Try correcting yourself after out loud when you lie, once you start dealing with the consequences you will start to think twice about lying. For instance someone asked me the other day “what you don’t trust me” and as a response before I could think I said “of course I do” then straight after laughed and said actually that was a complete lie it take me ages to trust someone.

try it?

I don’t have any advice but I did used to know someone like this. She exaggerated everything and told stories you could tell
were made up. I’m sure she did it for attention and to make people like her if she
seemed interesting, but it just made me not want to be around her.

Maybe seek counselling to get to the bottom of why you do it?

Well done for recognizing it!...because of that no I don't think you'll be stuck like that. Please don't feel like you have to justify why you do it to people on here.

That's some great advice from @PetersRabbitt on how to tackle it on the moment when it happens which I'm sure will start to make it less appealing to lie in the first place and to show you that you can still be safe once you tell the truth.

I think it would be good to also tackle it on a deeper level/ indirect way by having some counselling to work through where that need to lie is coming from and getting that need met in other ways.

Good luck. You have already started the work to make change.

I think if you practice mindfulness, so use apps like calm and headspace while also Practicing deep breathing, so you are more relaxed in other peoples company, it would provide tools to not say the first thing that comes into your head and think before you speak.

half the battle is being relaxed and calm so you’re not trying to hard.

I like the advice about dealing with it as soon as the lie comes out of your mouth.

Do you think you maybe do it because you don't feel 'enough'? I can understand someone exaggerating their life to try and keep up with social media. I lead a very simple, quiet life. I like it that was but my colleagues are always out socialising, booking tickets for events etc. I feel very boring in comparison. Thankfully I've got the confidence to own it, that's come with age but I could understand someone younger than me making stuff up to fit in with the chat.

I used to do this. I think it came from living in an abusive household as a child, where it was always safer to give nothing away, to deny everything and adults were not to be trusted.

And you're right, it can ruin your life.

I stopped by consciously thinking how hurt or confused each person I lied to would be, and did I really want to hurt them or lose their respect. It takes a while to get out of the habit, but you can do it.

Mindfulness practice would be helpful
here op. And maybe some therapy to boost your self esteem. Lying is about anxiety at it’s root. Worried that you are not good enough, interesting enough, succeeding enough compared to others perhaps? Wanting to please or entertain others or want to fit in too much? Caring about other peoples opinions too much?

Try and leave the house in the morning with the attitude that you, flaws and all, are just as good as anyone else, and that you are good enough

Put an elastic band on your wrist or a clicker in your pocket as aids to remind you whenever you do it. Maybe log in a notebook or on your phone when AND WHY. Try just for half a day today to tell the truth. Keep working on that habit! Build up to a month. Once you are more aware of when and why, you will be able to tackle it.

I feel some empathy here as I sometimes do this when I feel under pressure in social settings. It’s only ever low level things (and I normally only embellish minor events to ‘be funny’) but I absolutely second the advice to deal with it as soon as you say the lie.

E.g. “… and then DH fell off the bloody ladder and got paint everywhere! … Actually that’s not quite true! Don’t know why I said that! Ha ha! But he did make a right mess with the paint. Definitely going to get the professionals in next time!”

I have a husband who knows about my childhood experiences and knows I lie all the time. I’m sure he doesn’t trust or respect me. I’ve tried to always be honest with him about the fact I do it but I know that isn’t enough. I also have 2 DC who haven’t noticed yet but will in time and that’s what makes me want to change.

It’s lying about stupid things - like saying I had toast for breakfast when I had cereal. But all the time. It doesn’t benefit me in any way.

We can’t afford for me to have therapy at the moment so trying to fix things myself. But I feel like I don't even know who I am because of all the lies I tell. So it’s difficult to know how to address it. I will try the correcting myself thing and see how I get on with that. I have tried before but soon slip back into old habits.

I lie because it makes me feel safe. I know I need to unpick that more because it’s insane.

It just feels almost impossible.

I should be honest here and say I also lie about big things not just small things. But it’s not very often a story to make myself look better or feel better. It’s things like telling acquaintances I had quit my job when I hadn’t even though I quite like my job so don’t know why I would do that. It just makes my life difficult.

Are you being totally honest here, or telling more lies? Genuinely interested.

Honest, although I can see why you wouldn’t believe me. I’m trying to address my problem and I know I can’t do that by lying. I’m used to talking about it with my DH so I’m quite self aware I think.

Some areas you can self refer to nhs talking therapies. Is it impulse or do you have a chance to take a breath and rethink before you speak?

It sounds almost like a kind of tourettes. I'm no expert and no idea if it's a thing but is it almost involuntary?

Telling friends you quit your job is major.

Do you like the attention it brings perhaps ?

I think involuntary is the closest explanation to it but not quite. Sometimes I don’t even know it’s a lie as I’m saying it. It’s only after that I realise it wasn’t true.

No I don’t like attention or the attention it brings. It doesn’t really bring any in any case other than making me look stupid I suppose.

Good idea. Even it's for its online type stuff. Try and get to the bottom of it

i was a compulsive liar all through my teens and early 20’s.
i managed to stop.

The first step to stopping is to getting out of the habit of talking without thinking.
plan what you are going to say before hand, or literally just take a pause before you talk, taking a sip of a drink is a good way to give yourself a moment to think of what you are going to say, that way you have something in mind and aren’t just making it up as you go along.

for me I had undiagnosed anxiety and it was my way of coping, I would talk incessantly to hide how uncomfortable I was in any kind of social situation.
I would literally just make shit up to have something to talk about.
i didn’t even realise I was doing it until it was out of my mouth half the time.

but the best thing I did was get hobbies, I started learning a language and i learned to knit, it gave me something to talk about instead of making stuff up.
I would also make mental notes of things to talk about, a tv show I was watching, things in the news, I’d actually research things like news stories or historical or geographical things so that I had specific talking points.

once you break the habit of relying on the fantasist part of your brain to make conversation it becomes so much easier to stop the little lies.

That’s really helpful thank you. I do feel like the fantasist part of my brain is in control a lot of the time.

I think everyone does this to an extent, though your version seems to be the more extreme end of exaggerating. If I were you, I’d be looking to find a therapist to explore where it’s coming from.

First of all I commend you for being honest and open and confronting your problem. I know a compulsive liar and his life is in tatters. You can tackle this before is destroys your life and family.

Could I suggest you keep a diary? Write all your thoughts down? Every day.

Or start some creative writing? Stories and fantasies that you might like creating?

Try and keep grounded and get involved in a hobby that can help clear your head like exercise/yoga/cooking/art where you can express your true self.

And as other people have said - think before you speak, have topics (that are not false) ready to talk about with friends and family when you socialise

All the best!!

i think keeping some kind of honesty journal might be a good start. So every night I record if/ what I’ve lied about, what was the situation, how did I feel before I lied etc etc and see what I get from that.

I.e. yesterday when DH came home from work I pretended I was still on a work call when I wasn’t. The reason was I feel like he thinks my job is easy/ not as intense as his and I somehow wanted to prove that I am busy in the day. (I work from home). So I guess it stemmed from not feeling good enough or I had something to prove?