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Original poster

How do you cope - DM cancer 2 small dc

15 replies

Wallawallakoala · 29/06/2022 18:37

My mum has cancer and I'm really struggling to cope, lots going on because it's a very rare and aggressive form. Lots of unknowns and uncertainties and we are all very scared

I am struggling to cope generally, coming to terms with the thought of losing my mum (I'm not coming to terms with it), getting my head around the fact this would leave me an orphan (I'm 33 but still feels unfair), thoughts of my DC growing up without the most amazing grandparent, and dealing with my emotions whilst trying to be a decent parent myself.

Is anyone else going through this, has anyone experienced simar?.CBT is not helping, I don't know how to function with all these thoughts.

OP posts:
MrsTeaShore · 29/06/2022 18:57

i experienced similar, although not cancer - I lost my mum to dementia in my 30s and was an orphan by 37. I did have counselling which helped although I found it helped at specific times or for a specific reason. It’s tough when life throws all these things at you at once. Especially losing a parent. It feels very unfair. You feel very lost and realise that you don’t have them to turn to or to guide you any more. Over time, as with most types of grief and other life events, the passing of time helped me cope. What I miss most is not having my mum to ask things , like about what I did when I was a baby, or how she felt when she went through the menopause, or any other day to day questions that I’d normally have asked her ! So one piece of advice is to cherish the time you have with her . Make some memories. Take lots of photos of her with your DC . Also take care of yourself, don’t take too much on, and don’t be hard on yourself, you’ve got a lot on. I’d say all your thoughts are normal as you try and accept whats going on. But try and have some lighter moments too when you forget those heavy thoughts and try and take your mind off them.

Original poster
Wallawallakoala · 29/06/2022 19:02

Thank you x that is good advice.

Do you have DC yourself, if so how did you tell them, how did you get past the sadness to be able to enjoy time with them and be present

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MrsTeaShore · 29/06/2022 19:31

Yes I have two DC, they were around 7 and 3 when my mum died. My youngest never even knew her when she was well. So I suppose they were old enough to be told but not really old enough to understand properly . We told them she was poorly and I only stopped taking them to see her when it was near the end as I didn’t want them to see her looking really ill and frail or for that to be their lasting memory of her. There might be advice available about how to talk to kids about cancer , I’m sure there will be lots of advice on MN. I talked to them quite frankly but also without going into detail, and most importantly asking them if they had any questions as sometimes they will have a very random question about it that you were not expecting ! Be thankful that your DC have had chance to know their grandparent and i’m sure you will already have lots of stories and memories that will live on forever. Look at your DC as a source of strength too, they are your little tribe and they will help you cope without even realising it. I found that even the simple or mundane parts of parenting were actually a great way to force myself to switch off from my mums illness. So they can actually lighten the load in that way. Play a game with them, or go for a walk , and try and switch off a little. Allow yourself to be be sad and for them to see you sad if you feel you’d be ok with that, but also go easy on yourself and allow yourself time and opportunities to relax and enjoy things still x

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Pixies74 · 29/06/2022 19:39

Similar to @MrsTeaShore ... Was also 37 when my mum died, also from dementia (and am very low contact with my alcoholic father). DC were only 3 and just turned 2 when she died and hadn't really known her as she'd been ill since long before they were born. We'd taken them to see her in the care home which they and my mum had enjoyed.

When she died (which was also a fewthe beginning of lockdown

Pixies74 · 29/06/2022 19:44

Sorry, accidentally pressed send!

She died a few months after the start of the first lockdown so we hadn't seen her for a while so I just really told them that I was a bit sad as my mum had died.

As they got older, they have asked a few more questions, for example who is my mum and I just remind them that she was the lady we used to visit in the big home but she died as her brain was poorly. It does bring up big questions and my eldest went through a phase of saying she did want me to die, but it just a case of reassuring them that everyone dies eventually but that you don't plan to die for a long time. I think it's important to be honest with them but in an age appropriate way.

Pixies74 · 29/06/2022 19:47

Didn't want me to die*

I also agree that having young DC is a good distraction.. You have no choice but to focus on them and their needs.

OVO1410 · 29/06/2022 19:55

I lost my DM a couple of years ago. She was my best friend. She was 57, I was 33 and my two DC were 5 and 2. DM was dying for a year and I helped to care for her throughout that. Tbh I just shut my feelings off so I could be there and do what was needed. I had to deal with oxygen machines, medication, medical appointments, washing her, etc. I couldn't have got through that if I allowed myself to feel so I didn't. I had counselling after DM died - psychotherapy (rather than CBT) provided by the hospice where she died - and it honestly saved my life.

My 5 year old was so close to his nanny that he started wetting the bed after she died. He then had art therapy through the same hospice and again it made a massive difference. The whole time DM was dying, I always said that nanny might not get better, that sometimes the doctors can't fix everything. That way it was not a massive shock to DS when she died.

I have no advice on how to enjoy time with your DM unfortunately.

OVO1410 · 29/06/2022 19:57

Posted too soon. My DM's mental state meant that she hated being alive for that final year so we couldn't really enjoy the time left. But I did my best to make memories with her and my children anyway, no matter how hard that was, and take lots of photos as I knew they would eventually not remember DM as they were so young when she died.

Hardtobelieve123 · 29/06/2022 20:05

Yes, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer when my baby was 6 weeks old. I already had two other tiny children. It was brutal and I found it very hard. The grief and sleep deprivation. I just totally focussed on my children and my family and spent absolutely as much time with my Dad as possible. I have no regrets about that. But my career was abandoned and I haven’t got it back (yet).

Once the shock wore off, we were able to make the most of our time together - all of us. It was, in some ways, a bit of a blessing. Very special time to really realise how much you love someone. I dedicated a lot of thought and energy to him.

I think you will find your own way and I am sure it will be unique. But there are genuine silver linings to these awful awful things. Which sounds so trite but it’s true.

Hardtobelieve123 · 29/06/2022 20:08

I was 35 and it is unfair. But it’s still more time than many people have with a parent. And mine really was a wonderful man. That actually makes the grieving simpler.

I think it will get easier for you with time as you simply come to terms with everything and it all sinks in. Uncertainty is hard and it sounds like you don’t yet know what’s what with her illness?

Original poster
Wallawallakoala · 01/07/2022 00:47

@MrsTeaShore thank you, I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. You are so right, lots of stories already even though my eldest is just 4. I also find that having them both focuses my mind on something else because their needs come first. Thank you

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Original poster
Wallawallakoala · 01/07/2022 00:49

@Pixies74 that is tough. I agree that it must be an odd thing for them to understand. I hope my being sad is something I can control and doesn't affect them too much.

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Original poster
Wallawallakoala · 01/07/2022 00:52

@OVO1410 it's good to know that support is available.i am so sorry youve been through that. I know what you mean about shutting yourself off, when I go to appointments I just have to make sure I remember the facts to relay to mum because she gets so overwhelmed by it all. She doesn't like to think she's bothering anyone so I try not to let her know how scared and upset I am. Although I did the other day and it just upset her to think she was upsetting me!

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Original poster
Wallawallakoala · 01/07/2022 00:55

@Hardtobelieve123 thank you for that, I think that's kind of my way of thinking, focus on the family you have and enjoy the time you can. I'm so sorry because that must have been awful and you have a great positive outlook finding silver linings I really want to do the same.

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Original poster
Wallawallakoala · 01/07/2022 00:57

The illness is quite specific and outing probably but I think that even saying that along with everything else is anyway haha! I'm currently on maternity leave and my dd is in nursery a couple of days so I'm lucky that I can spend time and go to appointments. And I think in a way it helps her that she sees me and my ds who is still so tiny

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