WWYD - work or partner problem?

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

A few months ago I was having a few issues at work and looking for a new job. At the time I worked during school hours 5 days a week. As jobs were scarce I applied for P/T and F/T positions and DH said if I got a F/T job we'd make it work somehow. DS2 is in year 4 so childcare before and after school is needed.

Pretty soon I got offered not 1 but 2 P/T jobs which I could work together making pretty much F/T hours. I accepted them and DH said he would help with school runs when he was WFH to cut down childcare costs. The jobs aren't very well paid so childcare is a huge factor.

Anyway, I was starting to panic at the idea of F/T work, having only worked part time since maternity leave with DS1.

I had a very long exit interview with my managers and we sorted out a lot of the problems. And they agreed to let me change my hours so I was working 4 longer days a week with a day off. Bliss or so I thought.

DH then started getting difficult and decided he couldn't actually help with childcare/school runs. As a result the amount extra I am earning is completely wiped out by breakfast/after school clubs. DH is now complaining that I'm working more hours for absolutely no more money. But if he had stuck to his side of things I would have been earning more. He's been complaining ever since I changed my hours and I don't know how much more I can take.

Do I try to change my hours back (my work said I could do if DS2 didn't take to after school club but actually he's taken to it really well) or do I tell DH to suck it up, given that he changed his mind on how much he could help? I do have mum-guilt that DS2 spends longer in school but honestly he seems happy enough with things.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I can honestly see this ending my marriage if I don't find a solution but I just don't know. If our marriage is fragile enough for this to break it is it even worth continuing with?

Have you asked him why he changed his mind?

Yes...several times. He just says he never said he could definitely help out, just that he would help 'when he could'. When I pressed him on it he just said 'goalposts change'. I think he's pissed off that I get a day off and he can't. So he's being obstructive about it.

talk to your OH. Ask him why he isn’t contributing to school pick up/drop off as he should be. I’d suggest you both sit and try a compromise. He must be able to manage at least 2-3 pick up or drop offs a week to cut down on around school care?

if not he’s being incredibly selfish. He can’t just backtrack and he shouldn’t just assume you will do all the childcare for your shared children. Maybe point out that if you separated he would have half the week to cover himself.

But what do you do during that day off. I know what I do during my midweek day off and it is stuff that benefits the whole family.

do you share household tasks generally too or is he slacking on that too?

DH then started getting difficult and decided he couldn't actually help with childcare/school runs.

are they not his children?

if they are, and you both work full time, It’s interesting that he considers it helping you with your additional chores (childcare and school runs) that you have on top of your working hours

I suppose having a vagina makes you able to take on those chores? Out of interest what additional chores does a penis give you?

Just to specify we don't have any children together. I have 2 DCs and he has 1 who also lives with us. He's more than happy for me to look after his DC but seems reluctant to return the favour.

At the moment I'm having a lot of medical investigations which I schedule for my day off but when I'm not at those I'm doing housework mainly? Which does include very overdue spring cleaning which ultimately benefits us all. But he thinks I 'sit on my arse watching TV' all day

Right first off - are you sharing the costs of the afterschool club because I almost get the impression that you arent and that finances arent shared. If this isnt a shared cost make it one

Then your DS2 is year 4 - max 2 years before this is no longer a problem so if work is fine dont go back

Then you really do have a partner issue - tell him that you are both parents and that you have worked it so it works he can do it too

Whatever you do dont drop hours

Hold on @MyGhastIsFlabbered I have clicked that you have talked about this before

This man is NEVER there for you, NEVER makes you a priority and NEVER helps.

you have had plenty of threads and advice telling you this - he isnt going to change.

What do you get from your marriage?

Ok well tell him you can no longer provide free childcare for his child. no helping him with childcare on your day off or free school holiday care.

Ok don't help him with his child any more your focus is your children and your career. He's not in this as a team player. It might be the start of end days tbhm