I’ve realised that things aren’t right.
ive had issues around food on and off since I was a teen. I stopped eating and went down to 6 stone, was hospitalised for weeks. I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough, not thin enough. I had a horrendous frightening abusive childhood.
in my mid 20s I gave up several of my favourite foods and lost a stone. Still didn’t feel good enough at 8 stone.
Put weight on due to antipsychotics as a 30 year old. My mum was putting me for the weight gain and suggested I eating amounts to lose weight. I did so and went down to 8 stone again from 11. Lunch was nothing more than half a bowl of salad. I banned loads of foods I liked.
it didn’t last though. A few years later and I was up again and beating myself up CONSTANTLY. I’ve had several rough years of PTSD and body dysmorphia treatment and I’m now over 10 stone. My body seems to be set at this weight. I’m hungry, I can’t seem to eat those weeny amounts anymore. I’m a size 14-16 and the shame weighs on my like a tonne of bricks. It’s all I think about. I worry about if my mum sees me. We aren’t in contact anymore because of the abuse.
I try and eat healthily but sometimes I’ll slip up and feel terrible about it. I’m constantly paranoid about what I eat and how much.
I don’t know what to do anymore.