Funny realities of raising children

[LittleOwl2]

Hi Everyone!

My partner and I are very seriously thinking about having a child/children. It’s all very serious feeling, and I think I need some (ideally funny) gritty realities of raising one of those small occasionally snotty and slimy humans! I understand that most people love their kids more than life itself, and it’s one of those life experiences that I can’t truly understand/appreciate without having it…. But those gritty mortifying hysterical day to day realities will really help me with some light hearted perspective!

I’ll get started….. obviously not our kids but……we know a couple who adore their daughter, but that does not change the mortifying reality of dealing with her squatting down for a poo in the middle of the garden during a big group BBQ (right in the middle of the lawn). Said family look like they could appear on the cover of OK magazine (lovely people, fair amount of inherited wealth & always look well groomed) Little girl had also decided to remove all her cloths prior to pooping….. she was sooo speedy!… ran out of house butt naked, squat, poop, then zoomed away all while her mums face went through every emotion!

Changing my eldests nappy one day he kicked his legs and put one foot in the giant poo he had just done. Not too bad all considered but this was also the moment he discovered he could reach his feet for the first time so promptly grabbed the poo covered foot and stuck it fully in his mouth. That was a fun clean up.

He also loved clocks as a toddler but couldn't pronounce his 'l' sound so that made for many embarrasing moments such as loudly shouting "Mummy likes cock" in the middle of Tesco.

My youngest projectile vomited on me while she was in her sling. Had to clean vomit out of my bra and shoes.

loudly shouting "Mummy likes cock" in the middle of Tesco.

😂😂this has made me cry. Hilarious

I don't think your example is particularly funny OP :). That's just unacceptable behaviour from the child.

For me, having children is about the sheer pride and joy that comes from raising a good, decent human being who can go forward into the world and make a good contribution to whatever they put their minds to.

Here’s a lovely 🤮one!

I was making fairy cakes with Gdcs, then only 3 and 4 max. They love the mixing up, still do, and putting all the cake cases in the bun tins.

When the mixing up was very nearly done, Gds sneezed - wetly! - right into the mixing bowl.
Ditch the lot and start again? Er, even though I’m very squeamish about such things, we didn’t. But I did say, ‘We won’t tell Mummy and Daddy!’

I did eat one of the cakes, too!

If you want a small 'gritty reality' that I was thinking of the other day, it's the way that little kids hand you stuff...sticks and stones, apple cores, half-eaten yoghurts, half-chewed fruit bars, slimy banana skins, snot, used tissues, food they don't like and have spat out 🙄. It's like parents and the bin are interchangeable. Anything they have finished with or don't want comes your way, even if you really don't want it either...

Yes! And god forbid they would spit out the unwanted food on their own plate. It HAS to be placed on mummy's plate.

@legalseagull . Yup! Being a parent seems to involve lots of minor indignities and infringement of personal space/boundaries.

Another is being used as a giant tissue when DC have a cold. You think they're closing in for a cuddle and they're actually wiping their snot dripping noses on your clean t-shirt.

My son went through a stage of weeing on the side of the sofa, caught him midflow once. That was a CAHMS one though as he was going through a difficult time with his dad at the time. Well you said you wanted gritty. Had to chuck the sofa as it stank.

Left my 2 yr old daughter for two minutes with a cup of milk while I went to get her lunch from the kitchen.. come back in the living room and she's "washing" the sofa with the milk - "look mummy I'm a clever helper girl the sofa is all clean now" 🤦🏼‍♀️

Took all the cushions off, hosed them down in the garden so the smell has gone but now the cushions are covered in water marks.

Oh FFS.

It IS funny OP. Children and poo are always funny. When they're too little to really understand it's not 'inappropriate'.

Your house sounds a bundle of laughs MrsOwain 😒.

OP my house with 3 DS (2 teens) is never, ever quiet, often chaotic, but always, always full of laughter and, lots of the time, joy. That's the gold standard.

The very grim reality is they never stop being your kids. I am now 70 with 4 adult DC's and its still Mummm.............Daaad..........when they have problems or, need a hand with something, mind you I wouldn't want it any other way, as I quite like them😉

The teenage bit is fun.
Met two secondary school teachers on a train once and they said to me 'has she done that thing yet where she goes upstairs as your child and then comes down one morning as a zombie?'

I relate.

Also other parents remembering with rose tinted glasses... i.e. 'oh yes, little Johnny slept through the night at two months...started walking when he was a year old...oh yes he can read now he is two...'

You will find baby milk glurk on your shoulder that you somwhow missed after several hours of being out at work/a grown-up night out. 😛

Have a pregnancy one, you'll get to the point where shoes are a memory :-(

Yep DS1 got out of the car the other day and tried to hand me what turned out to be a large bogey that he'd pulled out of his nose. When I refused to take it, he carefully stick it to the middle of the car headlight😩

Just the other day myself and our child's dad had a nice talk about how lovely our child is growing up to be, and how blessed we are they never went through a biting or hitting phase...

I've just been bit on the ass cheek while washing up. Hard.