Older teenagers / nearly adults

[GorgeousLadyofWrestling]

Something I’m curious about - no judgement, just curious about how things change.

I have come across a lot of threads lately that are about late teens 17/18/19 and some situation where the parent wants to know if they should let them do something. That something is mostly fairly tame/ innocuous.

At 17, I had moved from the north to London without knowing anyone. My parents weren’t “letting” me do anything and while they semi aghast at me moving away, they were largely supportive. I grew up fast, got into trouble sometimes, lived quite chaotically sometimes but eventually settled down, built a good career and I’m now married with three young children.

Sometimes I’m pretty aghast at myself, and would hate my children to disappear hundreds of miles away and hardly ever even call, never mind come home. But a big part of me is shaped by that experience and think - 17/18/19 year olds are very capable and basically adults. I know lots live at home now - believe me, I get it, I WISH I had been able to buy my property years earlier. But is it also expected that parents still have much control over their late teens lives?

Genuinely, I mean no judgement. It’s just an observation I’ve made from reading threads here and is obviously a snap shot of real life!

Just writing to concur, OP. At 17 I was abroad, 3000 miles away from home, family etc.. At 16 my exh had moved from a small isolated farm to the capital city of his country, again by himself. I think things are different nowadays?

I was the same. Fun and freedom from age 16. Had loads of different jobs and shared flats with friends in exciting cities before deciding on a 'career' and taking the path needed.

A lot of 17 year olds nowadays are more like 15/16 year olds in terms of independence due to the time lost to covid. My dd is nearly that age and anxious about everything and needs a lot of support. I often wonder what she would have been like without covid. She was just getting independent, had a group of friends who were planning a summer holiday and had started looking for Saturday jobs in early 2020 and it was suddenly all taken away.

Also school leavers can't just get a job and leave home anymore, even if they wanted to. My elder dd is struggling financially working full time and paying rent. She'd LOVE to go off and see the world and have adventures but can barely save anything.

I wouldn't like to be a young person nowadays.

But you are judging, very blatantly. Look, I was independent from 17,made all the mistakes etc, but I wish I had had parents who cared enough about me to guide me. I didn’t. It didn’t work out so great for me tbh. Being totally independent from 16/17 is not always a good thing.

Maybe I am judging - I don’t know. I’m not trying to put a value on it. When I say my parents were largely supportive, that doesn’t mean they supported me. They just didn’t make any noises about not letting me go. They didn’t support financially or anything - I just had to crack on with it. Worked 3 jobs to pay my rent, etc etc. At times it was amazing, at times it was terrible. Most of the time it was terrible at first, then slowly over the years it got good.

Do I think I will expect similar levels of independence from my own children? Perhaps? Do you think it’s that we expect our DC to be the same as us or that we treat our DC the opposite? I don’t know. I won’t be kicking my kids out at 17 or anything but I can’t help but think I would expect quite a lot of independence from them. Not be letting or not letting them do this or that. The Covid effect is not something I’d considered, I admit.

I'm not against older teens having independence to move away, I left home at 19, moved to the North of England and had to cope with a string of terrible jobs, manky flats, bad friends etc. That's life. I survived and in the end I thrived.

I'd like my own older teen to be supported. She's leaving home soon to go to Uni so that's a "controlled" move. She'll have a shock looking after herself, but she'll be a student and will hopefully have people looking out for her.

I have a friend who came home from school aged 15, to be told her parents were leaving the country and she had to move out. She had no choice. She was a month shy of her 16th birthday. On her 16th birthday she was homeless and her horrible parents didn't even phone her (how could they, she was homeless and mobile phones weren't a thing in the early 90s). She dossed around, made bad choices (as she didn't have nice adults looking out for her), was exploited and abused and finally dragged herself out of a bad situation and slowly turned her life around.

There's being independent with good support and having independence thrust upon you. I think most of us here would prefer the first option for our DC, and most parents want their kids to have it better than they did. The thing is, although it might seem to take longer, they'll grow up eventually, we all do in the end (mostly!).

I had a similar experience to you OP and whilst I'm glad I did, I also wouldn't want my own dc's to be doing what I was doing at that age.

My ds18 is going abroad for 4 days with his mates tomorrow and I'm fretting a bit but I also realise that's silly and he'll be fine and that I was earning my own living and paying my own bills and travelling etc at that age and my dm didn't even know what was going on in my life! My dc's are definitely more sheltered - it's a balancing act to give them independence but also be there for them and give them a good foundation to go out into the world.

I look back on my own upbringing with a bit of resentment as I didn't get much help off my dm for anything, she was usually too busy with her boyfriend - but I wouldn't change it as it helped shape my life and how independent I am.

This is the thing SingingSands , older teens need independence, but it should be gentle not brutal. I think I am a similar age to you, and coming of age in the 90s I knew a lot of young people who had basically been abandoned by their parents. Often because their parents were following their own desires with regard to new relationships or moving away. At the time we all thought we were fine, but actually in many ways we stayed young for way longer than more supported peers in that we had no idea how to navigate the adult world in terms of getting better jobs, buying houses, driving etc. So a lot of bad decisions, drugs and waste but not much maturity. For me, I see my family, including my older teen kids, as a support network, encouraging independence but being s safety net for as long as it takes, because that wasn’t there for me.

My son lives on his own at 18. He works and is getting further qualified for his career. He still requires a lot of emotional support (much due to effects of covid on his social and college life, and basically trying to figure out his place in the world), but he was always keen to move out. But I am also able to help him financially- no way could he rent a place on a just above minimum wage job, even house shares start at £150/week. I think this fact alone keeps many kids at home these days. As for rules - when at home he had to tell me where he was and we agreed on a home time, but I was faintly relaxed about it. He rarely did not come home when he said he would. As for girls, he had a serious gf at 15 and after discussions with her mum we allowed them to sleep over once they were 16.
My daughter is 17 and while she could figure out the practical side, I think she would absolutely hate to move out. She likes being at home and sees no need to hurry off. She still has another year of school and wants to stay here for her art foundation year before going further afield. She is not one to go out and party or have a boyfriend so I don't have any rules as such.
I do think one needs to get out there and get a bit scared and have to figure out a few things on their own, but I also think kids need to know there will always be a safe, welcoming place to return to if needed. If a kid goes to uni that's a safe halfway move, and allows them a few more years to mature.