I pay for everything

[Kettleofflash]

Didn’t know where to post this but my partner is in a lot of debt with court cases over family issues and is unlikely to pay it off for many years. He lives wage to wage owing people money for food in the last week before his pay and I found out he ate once a day to make it last. I’ve given him money, paid for things and done food shops for him many times to make sure he’s taken care of but now I’m getting sick of it. I know he can’t help the costs or being on a low wage but he doesn’t help himself at all and happily let’s me get my purse out at every chance. His friend offered him Sunday work twice a month for £200 which would help but he said he’d rather rest as it’s his only day off. Before the debt got worse we’d spoken about what our future would be like and our ideal wedding, how many children we wanted and things like that. Now I’m considering telling him that I don’t want any of that anymore because money will be an issue and I don’t want to pay everything and essentially have a cocklodger. Maybe I’m being ott as it will be paid off eventually but I don’t want to put myself in a position I’m taken advantage of or waiting for a life he can’t contribute to.
Would I be unreasonable to tell him we have no future if he doesn’t sort himself out financially? Or just delay any type of future milestones until he’s sorted? I am supportive of what he’s going through and we have a great relationship in general before anyone assumes I only care about the money side. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t want to resent him when we have a mortgage and a baby to pay for and he can’t help because I waited for us to be settled and it never happened. How do I word how I feel without upsetting him?

Blimey, you've only been together 15 months?!

Does he ask for money or do you offer it?

What kind of legal issue did he have that will leave him in debt for 10 years?

i’m a bit confused. How can someone who was ‘good with money’ and in a good financial situation, go to ‘having ten years of debt’, in the space of a few months? What court case is this? Why has he changed to a low wage job?

I think the future depends on his attitude. If he’s willing to make a plan to pay of these debts, then there maybe hope. However, I fear this may not be the case. He sounds like he’s coasting and not taking the situation seriously.

i don’t know how old you are, but I don’t see a long term future in this relationship. I fear you’ll always be waiting until the next payday, month, year, when things will get sorted.

Nobody is being harsh.

The OP needs to prioritise herself. She’s a woman, which means she has limited child-bearing years.

She is literally throwing them away for this man.

Can you explain why she should feel obligated to do that? Why maintaining a relationship with this particular man is so important?

She would be far better off single, or with another man (by the way, there are, literally, millions of them out there - there is no shortage, and she doesn’t have to stick with this one).

Why the desperate need to maintain this sub-standard relationship?

Not unreasonable at all.

He can't offer to share the type of life you want to have.

You have no obligation to sacrafice your future for him.

This isn't a conversation you can have without upsetting him but that's fine, you're not responsible for his emotions and you're entitled to express your feelings. YANBU to want more from life and this relationship.

My opinion is don't put your life on hold for this loser any more than you already have done, look for someone who is in a situation to actually have a relationship - this guy isn't. Sometimes it happens that way, right person but wrong timing.

I don't know what's led to him being in debt, maybe it's his fault and maybe it isn't, but it's not your fault either and it is definitely his responsibility to sort out.

Perhaps he needs to go bankrupt? If he's living beyond his means he also needs a lifestyle overhaul to ensure that stops otherwise he'll be back in the same situation in no time. Maybe he needs to get help with budgeting, there's lots of debt charities can help with this. Maybe he needs to return to being a student to raise his earning potential, he could investigate the financial possiblity of that with colleges/university and the bank. Maybe he needs to increase his hours/change company or indistry/go for promotion.

Working 7 days a week isn't sustainable but neither is living off someone else ie you. Can he take annual leave one day per week and do the Sundays for his friend? Effectively you're paying his debts for him at the moment, if he was contributing at home he wouldn't be able to pay these debts.

I don't know how old you both are but he sounds early 20s and a disaster zone, someone who hasn't really grown up yet and learned how to be an adult. Then there's you sounding like you're early 30s been carrying him forever and fed up, ready for marriage and DC. I suspect he's older than he sounds and should have got his life together by now. It's a big red flag for your future happiness that he hasnt.

Live separately and stay friends if you want, go out sometimes when he can afford to contribute, but don't date only him, give yourself the opportunity of a proper solid future with someone who's sorted.

@RenegadeMatron

I don't think she should have to maintain this relationship, at all. Nor have I said that. Your powers of comprehension appear lacking.

Sorry OP but it was amazing when the relationship was in the honeymoon period. Now reality has hit. It's not going back to how it was, not ever.

You're not responsible for his mental health. If he's in a bad way he needs to see the doctor, this isn't for you to fix.

It's no good leaving things until you've got very few fertility years left then desperately casting around for someone anyone vaguely suitable to have a baby with, dating with one eye on your biological clock.

@Badger1970 my friend said literally this to her dickhead boyfriend after a year! But it is ten years and two kids later and they've only split last year.

I think what a lot of you have said is right I just don’t want to face it. Maybe i’m scared to assume he’s using me financially? He mentioned about a party we were invited to I forgot about and I said I can’t come because I don’t have the spare money for the cab. (I do I just wanted to test the waters) I just need to start as I mean to go on and put my foot down before he relies on me for everything

Were you party to the Court case? I work in the Court arena and 10 years worth of costs/fines/surcharges seems extreme. The Court payments will also only take what you can reasonably afford, you complete means forms to inform this at the point of it being made. I’d be asking some questions to understand this a bit better and make sure he’s not using it as an excuse to have you pay for things to be honest.

The issue here is the feelings of guilt associated with rejecting someone because of their financial situation. It doesn't make you 'shallow'. It's one of those ideas that women are socialised with ie only shallow women seek men with money. You 'should' love a man, come what may.

But this situation doesn't warrant idealism. You are not married to this man, don't share children or financial responsibilities so it's perfectly sensible and reasonable to take care of yourself. Ask yourself what you say to a friend in this situation? I doubt it would be to sacrifice their comfort and future for ten years for a debt that's not of their making.

regarding the court case it was connected to a relative who passed away shortly after the case began, all very complicated but genuine. He had to pay court costs for all those involved as he took legal responsibility for the relative. The 10 year thing is average due to his income it may take that long to pay off but that’s not an order by the courts, they had an arrangement how much, how often etc but he thinks if he pays double it’ll clear quicker although it’s not been making a dent in it at all and he’s struggling day to day over it. His aim is 5 years or to get help with a debt charity later on and possibly go bankrupt, but I’m just concerned it’ll ruin our relationship if I stick around and waste my child bearing years.

I'm glad you've had your eyes open
Hard to hear I'm sure
His financial situation is not yours to solve.. and it's now been made clear if he didn't even suggest he pays for a taxi.
You deserve better, and I'm sure you'll get it

I wouldn’t’t wait. He sounds like he’s not managing his money well. You may find that all his earnings will go on The Debt, and you’ll be left picking up the shortfall for everything else - food, petrol, pub etc. He’ll probably want to move in with you, so he’ll have extra money to pay off the debt, but won’t contribute to household bills etc. You’ll end up subsidising him. Thus will lead to further resentment.

And in no circumstances, lend him any money. You won’t see it back.

This doesnt ring true to me. You have got to leave him. I bet even or if this debt is cleared there will be something else.

No one goes from earning well and being good with money to only being able to eat once a day. Surely during the good times he would have saved.

I get that he wants one day off a week and 7 days a week every week isnt sustainable but I've done it when I've had to. Plenty of people are working full time and raising children every day.

He is also a bit too accepting that you will pay.

I would tell him that you will not support him anymore. I bet he ends it.