Who do I "take" to my son's wedding?

[SuperTea]

DS1 is marrying into a large and lively family. They're lovely and they've really embraced him....but I find it very hard work. I'm pleased they love him and that he's happy, but I prefer them in small doses!

Anyway, there's a wedding, which it seems will be along the lines you expect from a large and lively family.

On our side there's only really me, DS2 and my very elderly parents. His dad is deceased.

For any other event, I have lots of male and female friends who I could invite as a plus one, but not to sit at the top table at my son's wedding?

All day on my own with no one to sit with, talk to, dance with?

DS2 would seem the obvious answer but he's a bit of a mess since his father's death and TBH, even asking him to turn up may be too much. ATM he's coming to the ceremony, but he won't want to socialise at an event where his dad is so obviously missing. I feel the same way but I shall grin and bare it for DS1 😥

We have had a couple of friends with mothers in similar circumstances. On each occasion, the ushers have stepped in for top table, escorting to seat in church, first dance, etc.

Will there definitely be a top table?

We were strongly advised against having one, as my parents are deceased. We sat by ourselves instead and rotated around the tables.

I’m sorry for your loss x

Can you talk to your son about this?

I've seen it a few times where the bride and groom have a table with their best men / bridesmaids and the parents 'host' a separate table each. Often it's when one or both sets are divorced and there are step parents and lots of politics to work around.

Perhaps you could say that both you and his brother feel quite exposed as, I'm assuming recently widowed, and would like to not draw attention to it. Then you could bring a friend as a plus one.

I would take my gesture female friend in that situation, especially if they'd watched my kids grow up

Don’t think so much about the top table aspect. If there isn’t anyone who is a natural ‘top table at my son’s wedding’ candidate, that election criteria is out.

Who would be most at ease in this situation? Who is sociable and ok with strangers? Someone you don’t need to worry about, who will focus their energy on supporting you and having fun? Someone who loves a wedding, won’t get embarrassingly drunk, etc.

I would be quite honoured if a friend asked me to do this and would give it my all!

I have be very careful for fear of making it seem like I don't like future in-laws, I do but they are very different to me and my people iyswim. Yes I would say it's almost certain mother of the bride won't give up that honour.

Best female friends that is

My point really was I'm not sure it's appropriate to have any of my possible choices at the top table, so I'll be alone?

At a traditional top table the mother of the groom sits beside the father of the bride, and vice-versa, so your plus-one would be seated next to MOB.

Who is DH's best man? Could he step in? How old is DS2? He might want to support you.

DS2 is 19yo and really not able to look after himself atm. It's a separate story, but of even more worry to me than the wedding!

Actually there's a step dad on bride's side. I don't know if her real father with me there, that seems a complex relationship, but maybe that will even the numbers up?

Do they realise you might be on your own at a top table? They may all be assuming that your younger son will sit with you.

I think you need to talk to the couple and maybe the MoB to see what their expectation are and outline your concerns and see if you can work something out. Don't be afraid of speaking about how you feel. If they're good hosts they should be making you feel included and not uncomfortable. Bringing along a couple or your close friends that have seen him grow up would be entirely suitable. Are there any godparents?

I would take a good friend. As they are a large and lively family I think that would work well

You really need to speak to them. Given the situation I'd hope they'd be very understanding and find a solution that works for everyone.

I’m so sorry you lost your husband and I can imagine how painful it is to face the day without your dh at your side.

Have you spoken to your son and future dil about it? I think it is perfectly acceptable to take a plus one who is just a friend; male or female would be fine. And ideally pick someone your ds2 knows well. And encourage ds2 to take a plus one if he is old enough! Then you can sit together for the ceremony, dance and socialise together and then just for the top table part, you can park them on a nearby table. Any good friend would be more than happy with that arrangement and you just need to get through the meal.

sitting on top table does feel you’re on display but truly most people are only noticing the bride, groom, father of the bride and best man making the speeches! You can just make polite conversation with whoever you’re sandwiched between and you will be fine.

also - don’t assume ds2 won’t be able to sit at top table with you. Ask ds2: making it clear it is just an option. Because if dad would have been proud of him for stepping up, and if it makes him feel close to you, he might really get a lot out of doing it. And when he looks back on his brother’s wedding in the years ahead, it could be a really special memory for him.

Yes, but I don't want to be the reason bride and MOB don't get the day they want.

Mil sat with the best man on our top table.

I really didn't want one and got kind of forced into it. They are outdated IMO. Plus you can't speak to anyone else as you are sat in a daft line.

My uncle sat beside my mam at the top table, I don't have a dad. Do you have anyone like that? Or I would choose my closest female friend.

Also do talk to you DS1 see what he thinks will happen. As pp said sometimes there are parents tables. At a cousins wedding she/DH/ bridal party sat at one table. DH mother/ step dad/ others at another. DH father/ step mum/ others at table 3. then cousins mum was sat at my table plus other family from our side.

Please don't think like that.

The day they want, is the day where they and their guests have a good time.

If I was your DiL I'd hate to think you were sat on the top table feeling uncomfortable in anyway.

I was at a wedding on Saturday where they had 3 long tables. 1 for family, 1 for his friends, 1 for hers.

On the family table the bride and groom with their immediate family were in the middle and us cousins / aunts / uncles etc were on the ends.

Perhaps that would work. The bride and MOB get their 'top table' but you aren't on display as much.

'Yes, but I don't want to be the reason bride and MOB don't get the day they want'
If all you are requesting is that the order of the top table be adjusted slightly so that you can sit next to your son or a trusted friend, I certainly don't think that anyone could accuse you of preventing your DIL getting the day she wants. Speak to your son ( the groom) as I'm sure he will facilitate this for you.

Take a friend to support you on the day; someone who is gregarious and sociable and won’t need looking after. Have them seated with other guests. Take your own place as MOG on the top table and another male member of the wedding party needs to step up to sit with the MOB: maybe the best man, or an usher, or a brother or uncle of the bride.

If they have an ounce of compassion this will already have occurred to them (although as pp said they may be assuming that your DS2 will step in). Talk to your DS. You absolutely will not stop them having the day they want.

My heart goes out to you. I would absolutely talk to the couple about this. I think the previous suggestion that you bring a trusted friend and then an usher or best man sits next to the MOB at the top table with your plus one seated with the rest of the guests for the meal is a reasonable compromise.

Also check the top table is a top table. For my wedding we had a round table in the centre of the room, a lot of people do now. So you aren't on display up the top

I would ask your son if he would be OK with inviting a small number of family friends (say 3 or 4 max) as part of "his" guest allocation who can be your support network on the day, but not expect to be seated by them for the meal. You can enjoy the majority of the day with your group and won't have your "plus one" left alone during the meal. The wedding breakfast is only a relatively small part of the day and you say you can tolerate your in laws in small doses. If they are going for a traditional top table layout then you would be seated between the brides father and best man, with nobody but the new bride and groom being seated by their partners. If it isn't a traditional top table layout then it isn't unreasonable to ask them to accommodate you by seating you next to your son (the groom) or whoever you would feel most comfortable with.

My FIL passed away a few years ago, and at our wedding we offered to have one of MILs sisters sit next to her at the top table. I just had a conversation with her and asked her what she'd prefer. She thought about it and I think in the end she sat between DH and SIL (her daughter).
This was totally fine and no trouble for us - I just wanted to make it easier in any way possible.