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Original poster

A child won’t care about this on their birthday?

29 replies

MovingUpIntheSchool · 26/06/2022 13:20

DDs school used to be 2 schools; an infants and a juniors but always on the same site. They merged I think about 20 years ago but are still basically run as two separate schools as each bit has it’s own playground and facilities.

The only time they all come together is for assemblies once a week but these are often outside on the bigger of the two playgrounds (imagine basically two playgrounds side by side, the bigger ones the juniors, the smaller the infants then each side of the playground are the two school buildings) when the weathers nice.

DD is due to move to the juniors in September. She has an EHCP and has been identified as needing extra transition. It’s also her birthday in a few weeks time.

I’ve been given the opportunity on her birthday to take DD along with her current teacher and next years teacher to see the juniors building. This is the only day everyone is available, we’re going to decide things like seating placement in the classroom (this is important because if DD can’t see she won’t make any progress) and it will be after school. It will also be to show DD where things like toilets are, and to help her get her bearings. If it’s anything like when she went to the Infants bit she’ll basically be given free reign to get her bearings and explore (last time I was allowed to follow after her and be nearby so I could help reassure her as she can be very shy).

It means due to DDs contact with her dad (court ordered) which is due to take place on her birthday that I won’t be able to take DD to see my family on her birthday.

Most of my family accepted this but one of my parents started swearing at me, telling me it was ridiculous, it’s deliberate and they miss out yet again because of ExH. They want me to either cancel the transititon activity (which I may not get offered another) or cancel ExHs contact (which is court ordered and unfair to do).

Apparently if I do this I’ll be scaring my DD for life as she’d rather open her presents than look around some school when she’s already there.

I personally think it’s far more important she has a smooth transition to Year 3 than waiting a few extra days for a few presents. As a child I never got to see all my grandparents on my actual birthday and it never harmed me, actually I loved the excitement of waiting until the weekend to see them knowing I’d get more presents and more fuss.

She will also get to see Ex-PILs with ExH on her actual birthday so either way she'll have seen one set of grandparents. She'd never get to see all 4 in one day anyway as my parents are seperated so can't be in a room together and I refuse to faff about with timing it so they can both see her around her contact.

So will DD care do you think?

OP posts:
terriblyangryattimes · 26/06/2022 13:23

Put your daughter's needs first. Do the school transition session.

terriblyangryattimes · 26/06/2022 13:24

I don't think she will care as surely it will mean celebrating her birthday with grand parents on 2 days, win win?

Camomila · 26/06/2022 13:24

Thinking about my own DS....he'd be really excited to "see my new school on my birthday!" (he's 6)

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AmbushedByCake · 26/06/2022 13:26

Clearly the parent kicking off is thinking of their wants and not your DDs needs. My own parents live a plane journey from me so my DC never see them on birthdays, and appear unscathed. Tell the grown-up tantrumming toddler that if they don't start speaking to you with respect they won't get within arms length of your or your child again.

BendingSpoons · 26/06/2022 13:26

Ignore your family, do your transition session and then she can see her dad. She can see family at the weekend. One set if grandparents doesn't have the right to see her every birthday. Plus the transition session is important. My DD when to a club on her 6th birthday as that was how it fell. We had presents and cake just us but we didn't see grandparents until the weekend. We always have a 'weekend birthday' too!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/06/2022 13:28

She won't care at all that she sees her grandparents on a different day, and they are being ridiculous to make a fuss about this.

KarrotKake · 26/06/2022 13:29

The transition has to happen.
Sounds like contact has to happen.
I'd sell it as your birthday is really full with things we can't move, shall we celebrate your birthday the day before / the weekend before and do X.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 26/06/2022 13:32

Your parent is a selfish arsehole who is pretending to be considering the child but very clearly doesn’t care about anyone but themselves.

you know that.

Cherrysoup · 26/06/2022 13:33

Why are your parents (parent?) being such an arse? Your dd will benefit from having a proper transition and seeing her new school. It’s your ex’s court ordered contact day anyway. I think your parent is being utterly ridiculous.

SandyWedges · 26/06/2022 13:35

Most of my family accepted this but one of my parents started swearing at me, telling me it was ridiculous, it’s deliberate and they miss out yet again because of ExH. They want me to either cancel the transititon activity (which I may not get offered another) or cancel ExHs contact (which is court ordered and unfair to do). well if they are going to act like that about it they are being ridiculous. You can't cancel your ExHs contact he has more rights than them. He is their dad.

Hellhaven · 26/06/2022 13:36

As long as she gets presents and a birthday cake at her age she will not care

Your shouting parent is being selfish and not putting her needs first, shame on them

JuneJubilee · 26/06/2022 13:36

@MovingUpIntheSchool

FGS Tell your parent to stop being so selfish!

ex's contact is annoying, but court ordered so not worth messing with for a grandparent to see them on that day!

DD's visit to the school is MORE important than anything on that day!! Obviously it can be bigged up as a birthday treat!! Her transition is FAR FAR FAR more important than seeing one of your parents that day!!id have no truck with their selfishness!! None. However, if you can get past it, tell them to get over themselves and plan something for the following afternoon or the weekend!!

most kids would rather have more celebrations over a few days than seeing everyone on the actual day, not that that would happen anyway if your parents won't get over themselves to be in the same room for their Grandaughter!!

YOU are the one that's got your head screwed on the right way!! DO NOT let them convince you otherwise!!

I hope DD has a lovely birthday & a smooth transition!!

ps: that's exactly how my infants & juniors was a million years ago and still is today!! It was still a move to the Big School!!! And I was, as far as we know, NT.

Colinthesnail · 26/06/2022 13:36

Whatever else you do, definitely take up the transition opportunity. I have an autistic child and for them it’s absolutely vital, otherwise we would have a miserable summer while they stressed about it and a difficult start to the following year. I would expect any reasonable adult to understand it’s important- teachers don’t make time for this stuff if it’s not.

Her Dad clearly takes precedence over your extended family, and in any case it’s court ordered. So they’ll just have to lump it and see her another day - they sound incredibly selfish. My children never see wider family on their birthdays and so far it’s not scarred them…

Cornettoninja · 26/06/2022 13:37

Do your parents know something the rest of us don’t? Is there an extinction event due on her birthday or something?

Tell them to pipe down, stop being precious and organise something in the days after. Your dd has more in her life than just them.

shoofly · 26/06/2022 13:38

Can you point out to them that they're being hugely selfish focusing on their wants rather than your child's needs?
The transition plans and court ordered contact are clearly more important and it would be nice if they could support you and your child rather than kicking off for such a small thing

FictionalCharacter · 26/06/2022 13:40

The transition is the priority, not a grandparent’s wish to see their grandchild on a particular day. A young child is absolutely not going to be bothered about seeing both sets of GPs on their birthday. It’s so horrible and manipulative of GPs to pretend they are thinking of the child’s needs, when they’re really just thinking of their own wants.

PeekAtYou · 26/06/2022 13:42

DD's transition activity is much more important than placating an idiot who can't see why it's important. I'd be furious with that selfish grandparent and considering whether or not they should even be in your DD's life.

Don't cancel xh either. If your dd is like my kids, they will want to see both parents on their birthday.

Original poster
MovingUpIntheSchool · 26/06/2022 13:42

Thanks everyone I knew i was right to prioritise the school visit.

I was going to tell DD that she's very special as she gets to see the school on her birthday before most of her friends, and she can then go and tell them all about it - she has a speech and language disorder, dyslexia and dyspraxia plus an eye condition, getting it right for her is so important, meeting her new teacher away from everyone else will be a big thing she probably won't talk to her but knowing she was supported to do so will be huge. I expect her current teacher will be there more as an "This worked for us this year" type role rather than it being a big meeting which usually happens away from DD anyway.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 26/06/2022 13:44

My dc rarely see my parents on their actual birthday, they usually see them the weekend before. They've never minded.
Your parent is being ridiculous and sounds awful!
If one of my parents was swearing at me I'd be telling them they wouldn't be seeing us at all if they weren't careful.

itsgettingweird · 26/06/2022 13:47

Of course yanbu.

You sound like a great mum who not only gets her DDs needs and puts them first you also get that she has 2 parents and equal rights to enjoy time with both and her grandparents.

Just tell your parent that they may be disappointed not to see dd but their disappointment doesn't take preference over what's best for dd and they need to sort their priorities or you'll out them bottom of the list forever below those who do what's best for your dd.

balalake · 26/06/2022 13:54

I hope the school visit goes well and you have made the correct decision.

Trainfromredhill · 26/06/2022 14:00

I grew up in a different country to my extended family so never spent birthdays with them. I’ve had a lot of therapy to get to my mid 40s, but none of it was for that!

StaunchMomma · 26/06/2022 14:27

Your job is to do what's best for DD, not her grandparents.

You need to tell them that then back away and let them have their tantrum.

I think it's great that the school are being so accommodating and I'm sure your DD will enjoy having a second little birthday once she's back with you.

whynotwhatknot · 26/06/2022 16:00

I never saw both set of gps on my actual birthday unless it was a weekend wher ei wasnt having a party

they should grow up

Harrystylestutu · 26/06/2022 17:29

Definitely go to the transition session. Just as an aside when you're there could you take photos of the classroom, toilets, cloakroom, seating, entrance and exit etc and print them out, and maybe ask if you could have the teachers and TAs photos. it really helped my son to have it to look at over the summer holidays.

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