The reality of a single parent to one? (Considering going it alone due to age)

[HappyDalldb]

I don’t mean financially but just how is it? Is it awful? Will I wish I hadn’t done it? What’s it really like? Feel like I only hear the hard parts

Do you have family who can help?
I was a fully single parent from when DS was 3, but had long periods where XH was out of the country from when DS was about 18 months.

I had the benefit of DS staying with either XH for part of the school holidays (the only contact he had) or with my parents which made life doable as I worked. However the rest of the time week in week out I was on my own. Even when I did live with XH I still did the lion's share of childcare and 99% of housework. It's hard work but totally doable if you have support and you only have one. Probably easier starting off alone than realising you're doing it alone despite in theory having a partner!!
I love the dynamic DS and I have. We are still very close although he's a teenager. I wouldn't have done it differently tbh.

Honestly at worst I would say it can be tiring & tricky (occasionally v hard🤣) I am all but a lone parent ( ex has her for 7 hours on a sat) I do all school hols, admin, looking after her, school drop/pick upeverything) I think the biggest thing is finances, if you don’t have to worry about money too much, it makes it easier

I am peri menopausal, have NO support & look after an elderly relative once a week & I find it doable. My DD is the best company & yes sometimes I’m watching the clock from 5pm waiting for her to go to bed🤣but it’s ok & we get by, have fun etc. I would feel c different & v stressed If finances were an issue!

It will depend on a lot of factors. - do you have family who can/will help? Can you afford help such as a cleaner, takeaways etc? These days I imagine it will be slightly easier than when mine were little purely from being able to get groceries delivered same day to save you having to wake up a sleeping baby and go out when you realise you need milk etc. being able to get Deliveroo to bring you milk and bread or get whatever food you fancy delivered will make life 100% easier!

re the actual baby, they vary so much but I’m sure a lot of the tough times come about because mum is exhausted and expecting dad to step up and he’s useless. Not having someone around to constantly disappoint you with his stupidity will be a bonus tbh. My ex never did a night waking as he had a Very Important Job and couldn’t possibly be tired, so it was all on me, I breastfed them all for 8-10 months so he couldn’t help with feeding either, and did very little around the house. I honestly don’t think I’d have missed him (in fact he started working away from home when DC3 was a month old).

If your career will support you financially to have a decent life and you can get back to work as soon as possible afterwards so you don’t do stir crazy, I’d say go for it.

Greatest joy possible but exhausting and very tying. You'll never get it right, so don't set impossible standards. Aim to get through with love and giggles. You will need some help - my parents did a lot of childcare.

I’ve been a solo parent since my DH died when DD was two and a half. This part is honestly fine, but there’s absolutely no way I could have got through the first two years alone. It’s so, so, so hard.

Exhausting. It isn't a situation I would choose.

I love it. I love our life together with no one to answer to, bad to myself (apart from when dd2 gets in) and our adventures together. I know they appreciate what I do for them too. How old are your dc?

The most draining thing is making every single decision, welfare, health, school, any problems, alone, without discussion or input from another adult as interested as you are.

That's another thing I like - how et I had a shit ex who actually couldn't have cared less but likes to put his views forward just to be controlling so maybe that contributes

It’s fab and I love it.

Maybe I’m biased because I’m lone parenting after a crappy ex, and it’s so much better than that… but omg, the freedom to make decisions, control finances, and with being OAD just to spend time with my lovely DD. We’re a little team and it’s great. I love being able to just decide hmm, the weather’s good, let’s make a picnic and get a train to the seaside. Or (when finances were better) we’ve had a hard time, I think we need a holiday… okay, I’ll book one wherever we want to go. You’re interested in chameleons right now? Okay, let’s look up a bunch of chameleon facts together, paint chameleons, make a chameleon themed dinner, just because. No consulting with anyone. No negotiating around sibling bickering or ex being unreliable. Just complete freedom to do whatever’s fun and useful right now.

Similarly, she sees that there are a lot of chores involved in running a house and they all come down to me. When she was little obv she couldn’t help and I was just tired a lot, but now she’s old enough to muck in she does so without too much of a fuss because it needs doing and one of us has to. She even volunteers to do more chores if I say ‘when x, y and z are done we can go to the park’ or something because she could leave it all up to me, or she could help and go to the park faster.

Downsides are no help when I’m sick. This is my least favourite thing. I hate parenting when I’m sick, the worst. I’m sure that will be better with age too though- I am really looking forward to the age when she can make me a cup of tea now and then!! Also- the amount of housework that kids produce just by existing.

All in all I love being a family of 2!

I'm a single parent with zero help. Ex barely has DD and I've been on one night out in the last 12 months. For me, I love that it's just DD and I and as other posters have said, the freedom that comes with trusting your own judgement is amazing.

Money is a struggle, and I am ALWAYS tired. I do fear being in ill health because I know she'd be saddled with a shit dad if the worst happened to me.

But on balance, I love being a single parent.

My ds is only 4 but so far I’ve found it fairly easy. It’s been just me and him since pregnancy so I don’t know any different.

The things I struggle with are appointments, me being ill, and just general frustration from dealing with a stubborn toddler 24/7. its not enough for me to ever regret ds. I’d have another if I could, single or not.

What sort of support do you have around you in your life? Do you have family and friends nearby who can help? As others have said the hardest times are when you are ill. Think about other things like who will look after your child if you go for a hair cut.

I would honestly say if you really want a child have one but it will be much easier if you have nearby support. Go to lots of baby groups and make friends with other parents.

Think you are right when you say there isn't much out there on the up sides of single parenting. But I've found a few things:

The book 'Happy Single Mother' is a breath of fresh air. I wish I had found it years ago.

Frolo is a friendship and more recently dating app for single parents.

Mine is now a teenager (blessings and challenges) -

It is sometimes hard - especially during pandemic and lockdowns.
Even though - historically of course there have always been single parents - people who are divorced, widowed, leaving DA, partners have walked, estrangements all kinds of different reasons - wanting to go it alone...

One in four families are single parent families - but we do not feature so much in the media - in a positive way - and there is a lot of work to do with regard to policy making in government to reflect that as so many things impact us differently.

Some organisations do not get our reality. I read an American blog once can't remember which one - which said we should be given protected status. I agree.

There is gender bias - as I think a cartoonist pointed out - a single man alone - is often given sympathy and support - but a single mum is criticised often and blamed also. Judging by the nasty comments in the past by the likes of Boris and co regarding single mothers you would think we were responsible for the entirety of the world's ills.

If you have enough money to go it alone - why not? It's an achievement, a growth process, you have to dig deep, there are happy moments,

As others have said put support in place. You may find your support network surprising.

Would second that thing about being ill. Few things worse than needing to carry on regardless when you are not 100 per cent.

But there are things you can do on this. Prep for it if you can. Contingency plan. Who might take your kid to school if you are ill - always have stuff - in the event of...etc. make friends with local taxi co if you can't drive etc.

Some things you can't prep for thats true. Swap ideas. It is amazing what you can do if you have to/choose to.

And sometimes you will fall in to putting yourself last. This needs to change. I've done it myself and to sustain single parenting you need to approach self care differently.

Read Fierce self compassion by Dr. Kristen Neff. (single parent herself with autistic son).

Have a list of helplines you can phone for those moments when it is the middle of the night and you don't know what on earth to do about something.
Build good relationship with the school/day care.
And trust your own judgement.

It is hard from every angle. The hardest thing was the worry and making every single decision alone. I was also judged alot. Some people think it's ok to judge a truly single parent when they wouldnt do it to a two parent household.

The good bits were that we could just do stuff whenever we liked. When he was young we would often just go places because we fancied it.

I thoroughly enjoyed it. My DS is my favourite person. We are very close.

This. It helps if you have support with childcare, or you can feel really, really trapped. Just small things like wanting to take an exercise class or a midweek catch up with a friend are out of reach for me.
I do have some weekends free and they are a blessing.
On the positive side I do feel you build a bond with your child unlike that of a traditional family. Not co-dependancy but something different and special.