How do I stop myself from becoming bitter?

[thebeesknees123]

In a nutshell, I have been a bit of a people pleaser in the past and, in the past few years, it's got on top of me to the extent that being overwhelmed by others' demands, wants, needs and expectations have impacted on my health - both physically and mentally.

I'm now at the stage where I am forcing myself to have better boundaries because I am turning myself into someone I don't like - i.e. being angry and bitter at the world. It doesn't come naturally to me and I don't feel particularly comfortable doing it yet but it is a matter of survival.

The problem is, I keep looking back wishing that I responded differently to situations. If I had done, I would have done better in life in terms of career, relationships, friendships and so on. I am in my 50s now and well aware that one can't change the past only the future but how can I live it and feel it?

I can relate to this OP. It's really good you've made changes and should be proud of yourself.
Don't beat yourself up. Show yourself some kindness. We live and learn so try and remember that. The best way to move forward is self love.

Thank you for your kind words

The key to not being bitter is to practise mindfulness. Live in the moment. Don't waste time on regrets or looking back.

Simply focus on the small things, the moment, the good. Look for the positive in everything. I write down three things I'm grateful for every night when I go to bed. Sometimes these are very small things, such as the roses are looking fabulous on my climbing rose at the moment. It does help me though to remind myself that there are lots of lovely things to focus on, rather than wasting time on feeling bitter and miserable.

Definitely start putting loads of effort into looking forward. What do you want to do in say the next 20 years? Look at work, friendships/social, housing, location, pets, hobbies, skills, experiences etc. Make some goals.
If your life started today, what would you do with it?

Focus on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries now - that way, you'll be able to concentrate upon the successes, not what happened before you reached this point.

After all, the shit stuff's already happened. Apart from it all leading you up to this moment, what is the point of beating yourself up or dwelling upon what shitty things happened as a result of shitty people capitalising upon your learned behaviours and vulnerability?

Emotional harm is like any injury in that respect - I could dwell upon the fact that I will never, ever be able to wear amazing shoes standing up at any rate because I once thought it would be fine to try dancing on a table whilst wearing five inch platform boots when half a bottle of Bacardi down. Or I could use the twinges of pain I feel whilst trying on some boots that look great to prompt me to not make that same mistake & put them back on the rack and also never, ever touch white Rum or any other alcohol when tired, insecure, anxious and trying to pretend to the world that I am fine.

In short, it's a waste of your precious time and emotional energy. Don't give those people more of that when they already took more than they should ever have demanded. It's another boundary - they affected your past, you set the boundary that they do not have rights over your present and future as well.

I find this helpful at points of grimness-

Everything changes. You can make
A fresh start with your final breath.
But what has happened has happened. And the water
You once poured into the wine cannot be
Drained off again.
What has happened has happened. The water
You once poured into the wine cannot be
Drained off again, but
Everything changes. You can make
A fresh start with your final breath.

Bertolt Brecht (amazingly positive for him, but there you go )

Thanks - all really good advice. I will look into mindfulness as a way of keeping calm.

In terms of looking forward, I am starting to build a social life now the kids are getting older and I am knocking shift work on the head.

Workwise, I am not where I am - there is no progression - but I like the people I work with and don't mind the job. I kind of feel it's a bit late in the day for a change and I still need to be where I have a bit of flexibility - my mum is really ill and my youngest is still only 13.

My marriage could do with some work, really, but it takes 2.

I think sometimes you have to be your own censor. So if you catch yourself thinking of the past in the “I wish I had done/said wyz instead of abc”, then you ‘catch’ yourself and say to yourself that no good will come of that train of thought. Then attempt to be more in the present and occupy yourself until the thoughts go away.
It gets easier the more you practice and you stop yourself going down the negative past thinking route iyswim.