Friend much wealthier.

[Michelroux]

A few months ago, I made a new friend through a hobby. We get on really well but our lifestyles are vastly different. Despite both being in our 30s, she has been very successful and is extremely wealthy, whilst I have a good job, I live modestly. We're both single and we've talked about going out for a meal or a day out / on holiday and I worry our budgets will not match at all. Do I cramp her style and ask to go to more modest places? She is very lovely and I'm sure would never intentionally make me feel bad. If you were the wealthier friend, would you prefer to go high end and supplement the friend who contributed what they could or would you eat and stay in much cheaper places to match the budget of your friend? Or is this friendship doomed from the start?

my friend circles go by whoever has the lowest budget and choose stuff si that they're not excluded... its more to do with the company we value vs money spent.

but obviously one off events where its not possible to do low budget we chip in

Do you know she definitely wants to go high end, though? The wealthiest person I know almost exclusively goes camping (not even glamping…) and his idea of a good meal out is McDonalds. He may not be typical, but you see my point!

I am not wealthy, but have had friends with a vastly lower income. I was generally happy to subsidise things (although not being wealthy, it was “nice” rather than “high end”). What I would say is that in order for a mixed-income friendship to work, there has to be some kind of reciprocation at some point. Absolutely doesn’t need to be equal financially - but just things like offering to buy a coffee, or a bottle of water, or to bring snacks to share sometimes rather than expecting the wealthier friend to pay for everything

Thank you. That's comforting to know. She is so lovely that I don't want this to be a potential issue and want to navigate it as fairly as possible.

I would hate to think my friend felt uncomfortable and I’m sure your friend would feel the same. Is she aware of the differences? I have friends with varying levels of income. We have as much fun in a chain type pub or a nice restaurant; it’s the company that matters!

I don’t think it’s so much about wealth as expectation. Some of my lower income friends have very expensive gates for holidays and spend a huge proportion of their income on a single holiday whilst I have friends who earn more but always choose budget holidays.

I think you just need to be clear about your budget with her, if she suggests something you can’t afford say sorry but it’s a bit pricey for you but what about x place instead or if you think about planning a holiday when you say the dates you could do also say what your budget would be from the beginning.

Being wealthy doesn’t mean she wants to spend it all on holidays. Even people of similar incomes have different opinions.
For example I like to see the sights, have a couple of nice meals out. Another mate wants to eat out every day.

Just discuss your expectations

I have been both the rich friend and the poorer friend. As the ‘richer’ friend I choose cheap things to do with my friend, I’d prefer to do a cheap activity and still get to see her than not be able to spend time with her. I like to treat her and often offer to do so but she often doesn’t accept.
. If your new friend does offer to pay for things it’s because she wants to and enjoys spending time with you.

“I’d love to but we’d probably have to do xx if that’s ok?”

opens up the discussion

I would be mortified if I made someone else feel uncomfortable by suggesting something they couldn’t afford. I would always try to offer a range of options. Don’t assume that comfortably off means flash. I am part of a mixed hobby group with grads in their first jobs through to City lawyers - last time we went out it was pizza and beers in a pub.

I have a bit of money and sometimes even I say to my friends ‘can we do McDonald’s today, my budget isn’t X’.

I've been both friends. As the better off one I suggest a day to meet and let my friend lead on choosing the location. I will suggest coffee or lunch or a drink too and go with whatever they prefer.

As the poorer one I see how it goes - as in how they take the lead or not - and then decide if I even want to see them a second time if I do, I will suggest somewhere else if I wasn't comfortable with their choice.

I would probably not go on holiday with someone who had a significantly different budget to me in either direction because I'd find it too stressful. I've been burned by an extremely wealthy friend (well she wasn't but her parents were extremely wealthy and funded everything) on holiday and it was such a horrible feeling I never want to risk repeating it. Absolutely not a holiday.

Anyway as I've gotten older I tend to stay away from flashy places and really value good friends so I tend nowadays to be dressed down and focus on the friendship.

Why don’t you mention it, or suggest a plan that suits your budget first? If your friend suggests somewhere higher end, then just be honest and say your budget might not stretch to that.
I’m sure your friend isn’t going to suggest a 5* hotel in Dubai….

I would probably start the conversation with some suggestions which will illustrate your budget. Your friend won't want you to be uncomfortable and will take the hint, I'm sure. It's likely she will care more about spending time with you than the how nice the place is or the expense of it

Why don’t you start with the meal out and say something like ‘what about xxx, that fits my budget’ or don’t mention budget, could say friend recommended xxx.

If you value her friendship, then the honesty is the best way forward, I think.

would you prefer to go high end and supplement the friend who contributed what they could

I would be quite shocked if someone I had only know for a few months expected to be supplemented by me.

She's your friend. Talk to her.

When arranging something, just say, can we bear in mind my max budget for this event would be £££.

Then discus where to go.

Simple. But I don't get embarrassed talking money. 😁 (and no, I'm not wealthy)

Personally, I’d prefer to pay more than 50% and go somewhere high end - I don’t like spending £50 on something ok when I could spend £70 and get something great if I’d be happy to pay the difference.

However, suggesting that can be really awkward and I would never want a friend to feel uncomfortable so unless they suggested it (or it’s such a close friend it doesn’t feel awkward) I usually go with the lower budget.

@BornIn78 OMG, I would never expect that, I'm just trying to see from their point of view as I've never ever been in that position as my other friends all have similar incomes.

I find it really reassuring that the majority would be happy to go with the lower budget and wouldn't see the difference in budget as a problem.

We are pretty minted now but I grew up with no cash, struggled to eat when I first left home & being frugal has stayed with me. I'm well in the MaccyD/Premier Inn /camping (albeit it with a campervan but have tented). I get very twitchy eating out even now but that may well be for a host of reasons. Don't assume anything, best to gently ask for expectations.