I was diagnosed with CPTSD last year after being told since age 16 that I had varying diagnosis’ from generalised anxiety, depression, a personality disorder, ?autism, a genetic disorder, social anxiety, etc .
Eventual decision was that I’ve got CPTSD, OCD and am neurodiverse but no official diagnosis of autism as yet .
GP and therapist have both told me my childhood was abusive and outright neglect of my emotional needs from both parents (one took off for 21 years, the other wasn’t at really capable) . I’m in my thirties now and find myself to all intents and purposes without my parents - they’re both still alive thank God but I can’t rely on them at all, for anything .
I’ve had therapy probably well over a dozen times although tbh of that lot, only four times that have really made any tangible difference - I’ve had CBT twice, psychological therapy once and a ‘bit of DBT’ once as well . I’ve been told I need trauma focused CBT or EMDR but the NHS keep telling me there isn’t access to that, that I’m not classed as severe as I can still shower and eat something each day, so they won’t help .
I cope reasonably OK when I’m in therapy with someone to talk to each fortnight but when that all stops I struggle all over again, spiral back into same behaviours and thoughts until someone refers me back to mental health services and same cycle starts all over again .
I struggle to leave the house alone - I can only go out in a taxi, I can’t go for a walk due to anxiety, I’m scared if I try that something terrible will happen to either me or the place around me and I won’t be able to escape to a safe place quickly . I struggle to meet people and make friends . I can’t do stuff like go shopping or go out for ‘fun’ eg go to the cinema or for a walk or to the gym . It’s robbing me of my future, I want to get better and have a family and children and a career but all this crap is in the way . I’m also self harming to cope and have had suicidal thoughts on and off for years . I get sensory overload a lot and struggle to know how to ‘fit in’ which I think is where the neurodiverse stuff comes in .
Have very recently had to change GP and whilst previous GP was wonderful and full of suggestions and understanding - suggested we could add venflaxine or Buspirone to my meds (mirtazapine and propranolol) new GP surgery have said absolutely not, medication won’t help at all, I’d be better off going back through yet another brief intervention for ‘mild anxiety and depression’ which will be better for me in the long run .
They’ve said without displaying actively suicidal behaviour (ie attempts) or psychosis there’s no other access to support .
I’m fed up with fighting, I’ve had symptoms related to trauma since I was about 5 years old, I’m absolutely exhausted - previous GP pointed out when I went to see her I was gripping on to her desk white knuckled and said that level of anxiety isn’t sustainable and I must be shattered fighting like that all the time in my mind .
But I don’t know what else to do, how to cope anymore . I don’t know how to get the right help that I’ve been told will work (ie trauma focused therapy) .