Difficult son

[Beachdays44]

My son is almost 9. He has been diagnosed with autism. It is mild in the sense that he is able to function day to day...no sensory issues, is sociable and well liked in school and does well academically. We honestly thought they might have made a mistake with his diagnosis.

However, in the past month or so he has become really challenging at home. He is very short tempered and will absolutely refuse to apologise for any wrongdoing. I tried different approaches to getting him to accept some responsibility such as saying 'how do we fix this'? But nothing seems to work. He was always 'quirky' but now he is just outright difficult.

He is really unpleasant to be around. I have two other kids and if one of them says something he'll tell them to be quiet in a mean way. In the car yesterday he shouted at me to be quiet. He'll say 'nobody cares' when someone in the family says something. The atmosphere in the house is sad. I'm dreading the summer ahead. He is constantly so negative.

He refuses to talk about it and will blame someone else for everything. It is always someone else's fault.

I'm worn out from him.

He sounds deeply unhappy and unsettled within the family unit. Could you get him some counselling?

Also to add, this is a recent, sudden change - what happened when this started? What triggered it? Did something happen at school? Sudden appalling behaviour can often be a reaction to trauma.

He's behaving like this because he's on the spectrum

You'll be repeating yourself again and again for quite a while that this is not acceptable behaviour

This may last till he's 14,15,16 ish because of course you have hormones etc to contend with

This is so depressing.. he is really unhappy and nothing we do or say seems to help him. Could this really be just because he is autistic? He gets a movement break in school (and they have said that he doesn't seem to need it) and I am at home with the kids after school..I don't put a lot of pressure on him in terms of activities or plans.

It's such a dramatic change. He has become so mean and he wasn't like that before... He does know right from wrong - I do feel as if he is making a lot of bad choices regarding behaviour. He knows that by shouting at us and being disrespectful that we will get upset...so why does he keep doing it?

I have started keeping a log of the behaviour to try and establish any patterns but there aren't any really so far.. he is irritated by everything. He doesn't seem to care about consequences such as losing screen time or treats

Try reading The Explosive Child. It helps to work out a framework to help the child work out what’s wrong and how to start to make things better.

Asking open ended questions (like How do fix this?) are likely to be stressful for him.

It’s very common for autistic children to mask at school and release their stress once home - it’s difficult to deal with, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the family is the problem. Making sure he has a chance to wind down once home without being disturbed by siblings can help.

We found having a loose timetable helped at home, so ds knew what to expect.

Who has told you he has no sensory issues? They can be difficult to spot, particularly if he’s “fine” at school, but I suspect it would be unusual for an autistic child to have no sensory issues going on.

This book is excellent and gives loads of sensory feedback ideas. It might be worth trying some and seeing if anything helps him to feel calmer (eg my son needed to be squashed to help his nervous system, things like digging also helped, and glow stick baths).

My son is 8 and autistic but quite different to your DS.

However, we have pretty much constant challenging behaviours but he can suddenly change in his behaviours.
We feel he knows right from wrong but he doesn't connect the action with consequence. We can threaten to take his things away and he will not give two s**ts. He doesn't understand his own emotions never mind anyone else's.
When we get upset, or shout he doesn't connect our reaction with his actions either, nor does it bother him. He sometimes even thinks it's hilarious but it's down to him not understanding emotions and how to deal with them, which could be something similar with your DS.

I hate saying it but it's the best way to describe it - He is extremely selfish, rude and mean but it is because he is autistic. I get called all sorts of names, he will physically harm people, he will tell people to be quiet and he will make a scene and there's never an obvious reason, it can simply be down to a noise or a smell.

We have been told many times to brace our selves due to hormones like a PP said and it's probably going to get a lot worse before it gets a little bit better.

I don't really have any advice as such apart from maybe speaking to school's SENCO, CAMHS or your local ASD team if you have one.

But it is difficult and I myself have so many unanswered questions. You just have to keep going and try and support your DS through whatever it might be that is going on, even if you feel it gets thrown back in your face and you're at the point where you feel you can't help them anymore, you just keep going.

It’s very common for autistic children to mask at school and release their stress once home - it’s difficult to deal with, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the family is the problem. Making sure he has a chance to wind down once home without being disturbed by siblings can help.

This!
Someone once described this in such a brilliant way to me.
Imagine shaking a bottle of coke, it's fizzing up and pressure is building. The second it is opened it explode.
This is what my child was like at school and he would explode when he came home.

He doesn't mask at school anymore, he absolutely adores his teacher and he will pop his mask back on in September for a month or so and then lift it back off when he is comfortable.

Just saw your last post. Consequences tend to be crap for autistic children, unless they are natural ones.

You could try something like the 5 point scale to help to learn to spot signs that could lead to nipping things in the bud.

He isn’t making bad choices, he is doing the best he can. If he gets to the point where he’s shouting and being rude it’s better to ignore it, let him calm down, and help to teach him how to recognise how he’s feeling and give him better options at a time when he can manage it. At the point of meltdown he will have no control over what’s happening, rather like an asthma attack, and trying to talk to him in that moment will make things worse.

As he’s diagnosed you should be able to access something called a Cygnet course, which would be very helpful.

My 8yr DD could be your DS. She is so bloody charming but can be the meanest little thing to me (sometimes she snipes at close family when shes really pissed off.) I'm putting this down to a hormonal phase and hoping we can ride this out. Not looking forward to puberty and spectrum quirks colliding tbh😮‍💨 Give him space and time to figure out whats ticking him off. I'm finding not responding to her bad temper (sometimes) takes the fire out of her pits and she asks ME if I'm angry🙃Hope he mellows out for you soon.

Sympathies OP my nearly 8 yr old is very much like this but not diagnosed, he does well in school and has friends etc. He’s had his oddities since he was about 18 months but not a weekend goes by without him ruining things. He can be very rude and mean (he constantly says shut up and why don’t you just die to his little sister) and wants things his own way the whole time, builds up massive expectations of stuff abs then can’t cope when life doesn’t meet them I’ve started to look at parenting classes on how to cope with this kind of behaviour because I’ve realised he’s not going to change whatever we do in terms of rewards/punishment/cajoling. He’s always been defiant. I absolutely adore him of course but am on the verge of tears each weekend. It does sound like your son’s behaviour has changed quite quickly compared to mine who has always been difficult. Could it be hormones, a growth spurt, tiredness?

Thanks for responses so far...I can identify with what is being said about your own children. I could cope with outbursts and being mean if he would take some responsibility afterwards.. It worries me massively that he genuinely believes he doesn't do anything wrong.

He did have a falling out with a friend about a month ago and I think that is when things escalated? Or it might be tiredness too given we're coming to end of school year. He has always been a little difficult but it is so much worse now.

I worry for the years ahead of us.. I don't think he'll be able to keep friends or maintain relationships with his attitude. My husband says I'm catastrophisng (sp?)... And we should cross bridges as we come to them. I know he's right but I'd love to try and put things in place now that might help him. For example, I bought a book yesterday about feelings..it's in a comic book style that will appeal to him I hope. I plan to do a few minutes of it every now and again.. someone above said something about not recognising emotions so maybe this might help. I've also ordered the Explosive child book.

He can be lovely and funny...I just worry that the anger in him will overwhelm us all.