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Funeral attendance

5 replies

Ponderingwindow · 22/06/2022 18:53

I’m going to try to provide a bit of background here for context. I live decently far away from the bulk of my extended family. Best travel method to them is a 12 hour drive. There is no train. A plane is possible, but expensive and lately unreliable and also requires car rental. There are about a dozen elderly family members who are currently reaching that time of life. To put it bluntly, funeral season has begun.

I find myself faced with the dilemma of traveling to a funeral. Getting there quickly on relatively short notice is going to be difficult, but it’s not impossible. I do understand the importance of being there to support my family. I don’t feel it is necessary for me to be there in order to process my own grief. In making my decision, I find myself worrying about the fact that this is likely the first of many funerals to come in relatively rapid succession. Realistically, I am not going to get to all of them. I’ve got a job and a child and there are going to be insurmountable obstacles to some of them. Since all of these relatives are about the same distance in relationship, I am worried there will be hurt feelings if I manage to attend some and not others.

OP posts:
RosieSpark · 22/06/2022 19:29

I would try to get to as many of the funerals as I could. Paying your respects is considered very important in my family (mostly Irish and this is the norm). If there are practical barriers to attending some of the funerals, couldn't you just let the closest family members to the deceased know so that they understand why you can't make it? In these circumstances, I would have thought people will appreciate you making the effort to go where you can. Also, I'm not sure whereabouts you are but where I am it is currently a 3-4 week wait for a funeral after a death, so not really short notice.

HelpIneedsomebodywontyouplease · 22/06/2022 19:34

Drive to the nearest train station & travel that way? It must be quicker than 12 hours in the car surely? even if you have to drive 3 hours to a station!

I do know what you mean though. I have a lot of relatives that all live near each other. We went to DGM funeral but, do I go to all aunt & uncles- even though we aren’t close-or to none of the funerals ?

I think going to none would be less hurtful, that way they can’t say ‘ but Pondering came to Ethel’s funeral, why isn’t she here for Frank’s?”. It’s a tough one though.

Ponderingwindow · 22/06/2022 19:41

For clarity, not in Europe. Trains not really a thing here.

funeral lead time is one week, which is actually kind of long by niche cultural standards. Pre-Covid, It was typically 2-3 days.

OP posts:
SUPNovice · 22/06/2022 19:42

Realistically, I am not going to get to all of them.
So don't go to any of them. But do your utmost to go to every big family event that is coming up. If they're elderly, they'll probably have round/5 birthday parties or wedding anniversaries.
I couldn't go to a relatives 90th for work and childcare reasons. It felt absolutely ridiculous to be trying to organise to get there for the funeral when I couldn't get to the birthday celebration which would have meant a whole lot more to him. Clearly. As it turned out, I couldn't get to the funeral either because of travel time and childcare.
Make time to visit your relatives whilst you can.

ZenNudist · 22/06/2022 21:35

If they are important to you you'll go. If it's your mums next door neighbour you knew all your life or distant aunty who you never saw then you don't go.

I want a badly attended funeral because I'll be so old!!!!

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