Angel baby's first birthday

[Bubbles021]

Hi everyone,
Next Wednesday my little boy will be 1. We lost him last June when I was 33 weeks pregnant. I'm feeling at a complete loss of what I'm 'supposed to do'. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my rainbow, and I've noticed people have shifted their attention to the new baby (which I understand they are just excited), but no one other than my husband and mum talk about my son like they used to.
Now his birthday is coming around I'm getting a lot of 'so what are you doing to celebrate it?' from people. I know it's not intentional, but this question fills me with dread and guilt. What are you supposed to do? I want to mark the day, we were planning on spending most of the day at his grave and having friends and family come visit if they wish, but I feel like there's an expectation to 'do' something. I hate saying it to people, but there's sadly nothing to celebrate. We have no memories or milestones to reflect on.
I have brought memorial presents for his grave and was thinking of buying a little cake to share with friends and family, but I just wondered what others have done to mark birthdays of lost ones?
Thank you for your help 💙

I think what you do to celebrate your son is to do whatever will bring you happiness and peace. If that is to spend the day at the grave then that's fine, but if it is just to spend a lovely day with your family, have a nice meal out and remember the little boy who can't be there but will always be loved then that is fine too. There's no correct way to mark his birthday, so try to let go of any guilt or feeling you ought to be solemnly memorialising him if that's not what will help you.
I'm very sorry about your loss, I hope you are still able to feel the joy of your current pregnancy.

Now his birthday is coming around I'm getting a lot of 'so what are you doing to celebrate it?'
Sorry but that’s a bit weird. A death is not something you celebrate. Perhaps a private family memorial and some quiet time looking at your scan photos or anything else you’ve kept. But a celebration would be in very bad taste.

I think it is for each bereaved parent to decide what is appropriate for them. Some might choose to celebrate the little life and some may prefer to remember their loved one in a different way.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your son, and wish you the best with the new arrival

I think people are trying to be kind and avoid the not talking about it thing. But that doesn’t mean you should be under pressure to do the ‘right’ thing. Just think about what suits you and your family.

@Suddha I know people who have had small parties to honour their baby's first birthday, so I think this is what they mean by celebrate, I just know I couldn't do that personally, but that's where it's left me with the guilt feeling.

@SheWoreYellow absolutely, I've learnt people avoid talking about him because it makes people uncomfortable, doesn't make it hurt any less as his mum though. My biggest fear is that he will be forgotten.

So sorry for your loss @Bubbles021 , my heart breaks for you. On the year anniversary of losing my little boy in pregnancy I bought a ring with his birthstone in it. When his brother came along I bought a necklace with his brother's name and his own birthstone next to it. I didn't want his name on there because I didn't want any intrusive questions about why there were two names but one baby but his birthstone felt like a way of honouring him on my terms, and I share its meaning as I wish x

@HenrysHome that's a beautiful idea, thank you so much. I'm so sorry about the loss of your little boy 💙

Whatever you would like to do is the right thing. Whether you want to mark it in some way, or whether you don't follow your heart. There isn't a right or wrong way as we are all different and all find comfort in different things.

Each family has their own way of grieving and the same applies to birthdays and anniversaries. You need to have an open mind because it's hard to know how you will feel on the day - you may wish to stay at home, spend the day tending to the grave or perhaps a walk in a beautiful place that means something to you. No right or wrong. For others it's not raw like it is for you, and they won't want to upset you hence focussing on the new baby - if you want more acknowledgment ask them, nobody knows how to react because everyone is different.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Everyone is different. We don’t celebrate our late dd’s birthday. It’s a sad day for me, so people suggesting cake and releasing balloons pissed me off.

I would do whatever feels right. Some new jewellery with his name or birth stone is a lovely idea. I found the first anniversaries hard, so take it easy on the day, the emotions can be overwhelming.

For my angel baby's 1st birthday we went for a walk in the woods where we did lots of walks during the pregnancy, we took some photos of him to look at half way round. He was cremated so the woods is the physical place tied to his memory. We had a small cake and in the evening lit a candle, looked in his memory box and listened to his playlist. For us it wasn't a celebration really more a memorial day. I am planning to do something similar this year on his 2nd birthday, no one talks about him anymore other than me, his dad and older brother. I have also bought a birthday and Christmas card for him each time to put in his memory box, you can find lovely cards for angel babies on etsy if it is something you think you would like.

Hi @Bubbles021.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are not finding it too difficult being at the same stage of pregnancy that you were at when you lost your little boy.

You should commemorate him in whatever way feels right to you. Please don't allow yourself to be influenced by other people's expectations.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope everything goes smoothly with the arrival of your little rainbow baby.

In my family when it is the anniversary of a loved ones passing, we all light candles. It can be any candle you have at home or you can buy a special one just for him. Your family members can do the same in their homes. Then there is no 'celebration' per say, just a moment of remembrance.

@littlelionroars that’s a lovely idea.
it’s 22 years since we lost our 7 year old and the anniversaries are even now difficult.
after many years of not doing anything except feeling sad, I now light a candle by his grave as evening falls.
Recently I’ve also started giving a donation to a different children’s or disability charity to honour his memory in a positive way.

OP I don’t know what it’s like to experience a still birth but I do understand that a “celebration “ of a life which was never lived wouldn’t feel right for you.
as the years pass I hope the pain lessens and you will find your own way to mark the anniversary.

all the best for your new baby

when was your first borns due date? maybe you would feel less conflicted doing a little something to mark your love for him on the day he should have come into the world rather than the day that has such painful memories for you xx