DP Sad About Wedding Guests (or lack of!)

[Cloud16]

Hi everyone,

DP is feeling sad and stressed about our upcoming wedding because he feels like it's embarrassing that he doesn't have many people to invite. He is painfully shy, he's really nice to people but he doesn't really 'put himself out there' iyswim.

Anyway, the venue minimum is 80 and we can only think of 70 people to invite. Only 9 of those are people from his side. They are all family too.

He talks to people at work and goes out on Friday night socials with them every few months. But I think he's scared that he doesn't know them well enough to invite them and they'll think he's weird! I've said most people will be happy to be invited. He's said he will invite 6 people from work for night time only.

He has told me before that his social life gets him down but he says the wedding highlights it to himself and everyone else. He's close with my brother in law and spends most of his time with me, my family, or at park runs/work socials.

I think his insecurities stem from childhood/teenagehood. He's afraid of social rejection so just doesn't really ask people to go out/meet up.

I don't know what I'm asking really... I guess how do I reassure him that nobody at the wedding knows who's 'there for me', or 'there for him'? Nobody cares?

Honestly just pick a different venue! This is emotional stress you really don't need.

We had a wedding venue of a similar size and had 65 people, the majority of which were my husband.

I had 5 friends there plus family and on the way the room was so full of love and I was so amazed that all those people came for us, it didn’t matter who’s side; the whole point of the wedding was that we were embracing and sharing our sides.

@CrapBucket our parents have paid for it. They'd lose all their money! We wanted something small, they were so upset and wanted something big (usual story). Here we are now! Anyway, they wouldn't get their money back.

@user1471548941 that's great to know. His small circle doesn't seem to bother him until things like this crop up. I agree, it's about bringing people together.

It really doesn't matter

Tell him Meghan Markle only had her mum and a few friends at the wedding most of which she barely knew and her wedding was in front of the whole world.

All people see are 2 people in love getting married

My husband just had his brother, sister in law and nephew and one friend at our small wedding, the rest was my friends and family, he only has that one friend and doesn’t see him a lot, he genuinely is happy not having friends or a social life which saddens me a lot but he is very happy and settled,

Its not a crime to enjoy your own company and not have a huge social circle, invite more of your family and friends if he’s uncomfortable worth inviting work friends 😊

Your parents have bullied him into doing something he’s not comfortable with. Don’t you do it too, by trying to make him invite people from work, when he clearly doesn’t want to.

He’s only unhappy because everyone is expecting/demanding something from him that is not in his nature. He’s fine as he is. You know that or you wouldn’t be marrying him.

It’s a shame you’ve let it get this far down the line without putting your feet down, but you need to do it now. It’s his wedding too. Support him. Pay for 80, invite 70 or scrap the whole damn thing and do something you’d prefer or find some compromise between those two, but for pity’s sake, leave him be about his colleagues.

@HeddaGarbled I only suggested the people at his work because he brought it up first but then went off the idea, as he was worried they'd think it was weird. I thought I was helping.

I initially said let's have 30 people. He then felt guilty because it would be a special day for his mum so we went for a bigger one. I didn't push anything.

I'm happy with who he is.

If you're set on the venue (altho unsure why you've let your parents pay so they can have a venue you don't want) you need to visit the work chat again. How many go to the socials? Them plus partners should satisfy your venue numbers. If they don't want to come, they won't but no one will judge him for choosing to invite them.

If it's a church wedding or a venue otherwise split into two halves, make sure your ushers know its free seating, people can sit either side. That will make the disparity less visual

Agree with having a seating free for all - my side of the family massively outweigh DH’s so on the day there was no bride side or groom side - everyone sat whether they wanted to, it made it much less obvious.

Where is the wedding? I would be happy to be part of MN Rent-a-Crowd to bump up your numbers! Love a good wedding! I can be an old uni friend, a cousin, a long lost sister....anything you like!

@SleepingStandingUp we love the venue. We are just struggling with the numbers. The venue itself is beautiful and we both fell in love with it.

I think if we don't make the numbers, hopefully the venue will be fine about it. I don't want to pressure him to invite people from work, I've already encouraged it but I don't want to stress him out more.

Yeah, it will be free seating. It's at a hotel.

It doesn’t matter, it will all be fine

Mind you in general he needs to learn to be comfortable with who he is, or take up some hobbies and make friends that way, if it bothers him.

I agree with no formal seating. My (STBX)H had very little family at our wedding, but his friends massively outweighed all of my family so we had the ushers seat couples/families alternately on either side so it looked even.

@PyongyangKipperbang omg that would be fab, I need about 10 people, so bring your friends (hopefully you have more than us lol)

I agree @Luredbyapomegranate

I love him and want him to be happy. I think anyone would be lucky to be his friend! He did flirt with the idea of joining a running club, and then cancelled last minute as the nerves set in! It's a shame as he loves running :(

Hey I am serious! If you are in the Midlands then I am there!!

The hotel won't care. The "minimum 80" means just means that you'll have to pay for 80 even if there are only 70.

.

You don’t have to fill a venue to make us feel like a party. Unless your scale is massively off, venue for 300 and inviting 50, no one will notice a thing. Even if your venue can host a larger event, many can also host more intimate affairs and have them feel perfectly natural.

as for the friend issue, he isn’t alone. He is actually doing better than many of us. Tell him to go ahead and invite anyone he wants to invite, even to the full day, especially if they are local. Very few people in this world are going to be upset by being invited to share in something so special as a wedding.

Another perspective - I went to a work friend’s wedding along with some other people from work. She was a bit like your DP, great person and very hard working, just didn’t have a big social circle. When we went out for work drinks we’d always have a great time.
She invited about 5 people from work plus their partners so there were about 10 of us on the same table. We had a brilliant time, and it was great fun to be there with work friends - we’d all actually left that company by that point so it was a great reunion as well.

Also, groups of people who know each other well can make for a very lively table, so I like to think we contributed to the atmosphere a bit! Depends if you want it to be lively!

your DP sounds lovely btw.

Oh I had this but I was the one lacking on my side I was quite upset that everyone sat at his side all but 5 ppl when I had asked them to all be over both halfs mine was due to me not having family though so I had a few friends