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Small talk help

4 replies

Oohhaveabanana · 19/06/2022 23:25

I am terrible at small talk. I tend to stay quiet until I get to know people and they get to know me. I'm not the sort of person that people are really drawn to anyway. In a group, I am generally ignored (probably why I tend to stay quiet now) However, I have to go to a small 'informal' chat about a potential new job. I would love to make a good impression. What can I chat about/ask/say to prevent awkward silences? How can I come across as confident, and more importantly, likeable?

OP posts:
Oohhaveabanana · 20/06/2022 11:40

Well, I've clearly proved my point that I'm rubbish at conversation!!😆

OP posts:
maxelly · 20/06/2022 11:55

I hear you, I used to be terrible at small talk, excruciatingly so really, so I had to teach myself. Wouldn't say I'm an expert now, can still be a bit awkward at times but nowhere near as bad. The key message I drilled into myself was not to worry too much about seeming really dull or inane, small talk with strangers or work acquaintances or tradespeople or whatever is not the time you need to be demonstrating your sparkling wit or searing insight into cultural affairs, it's really a kind of noise to fill the silence! Mainly people's perceptions of your confidence and likeability come from how you say it not what you say, so smile, open body language, make eye contact, ask questions and listen to the answers and ask follow-ups (remember people tend to really like to talk about themselves so this is a good way to not have to talk too much yourself!), titter politely at their jokes etc., and even if your chat is pretty lacking they'll likely think you're a nice person anyway. And it's fine to be a little nervous, even if it's informal obviously you know you're there to be sized up for a job you want so only an arrogant monster would be totally cool and unphased by that!

What I would have in my head as a programme for this kind of event is 2 or 3 'general' topics for when you arrive, are being walked to the lift etc and 2 or 3 'work' topics for the 'informal chat' itself. General topics would include things like my journey there, the traffic/public transport, compliments to them on their office/building/location (unless it's some kind of hideous portacabin on a A road flyover affair and you risk seeming sarky of course!), the weather, the fact it's Monday (start of a new week, so much to do!), Wednesday (nearly over the hump now!) or Friday (looking forward to the weekend!). Really dull and cliche I know but remember the above, it's about being safe and having something to say for yourself rather than being really interesting! 'Work' topics would be anything of note in industry news, asking them about any particular developments at the company or challenges (although keep it light/positive unless they themselves start off a complaint or gripe in which case nod and smile knowingly - don't bring up that PR disaster or court case they lost or their impending bankruptcy/hostile takeover unless they do first!), if they have anything interesting on their website like a blog post or news article or press release or a new product, ask about that. I think it's also fine to ask lots of questions in this kind of scenario about the job itself, the team, the culture, clients, any exciting or interesting new projects or developments on the horizon, and the process/next steps after today, like a little mini 'any questions for us' section of a proper interview?

Good luck!

dontgobaconmyheart · 20/06/2022 12:06

Don't be so quick to think negatively about yourself OP, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert and lots of strengths that come with that. If you're a reader then the book Quiet by Susan Cain is supposed to be very good. People not being 'drawn' to you is often just that socialising is a knack and people lean towards what is the least effort for the most reward socially. It isn't a comment on the value of you as a person or what you have to offer.

Do you think you struggle with social anxiety or just feel at a loss of how to include yourself?

What type of role is it? I've done quite a lot of recruitment in previous roles and I would say go in arming yourself with a decent knowledge of the business if you can, prepare some answers for questions you might be expecting to hear such as them asking about why you are interested in the role, your current work circumstances, strengths you have in the field. I know it's an informal chat not an interview but knowing you have an answer for those things should they come up mean you aren't heading in blind. I always find the less I'm taken by surprise the less opportunity there is for anxiety or for me to close up and struggle to find the words. In the same vein also think about what you'll say if you're asked about your week or your hobbies or other such small talk that might come up. Faking it until you make it is absolutely fine, and often the only way.

You come across very well in your post for what it's worth, let whoever it is know that you feel you have lots to offer, would really like the role, ask questions - even if they are perfunctory ones such as about hours or salary or the working environment, the existing team, the workings/history/future of the business etc. It keeps the conversation moving and you may find that as you feel more comfortable in the conversation then you feel better able to be yourself.

Don't hide yourself when you have so much to offer, even though that is easier said than done.

Oohhaveabanana · 20/06/2022 16:23

Maxelly and dontgobaconmyheart, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.
Some very good advice which I will reread again and will work on some of the things you’ve suggested. The quote ‘fake it till you make it’ really stood out, and is something I struggle with, but probably need to focus on. Thank you again.

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