I'm crap at life / adulting..

[UnorganisedMum3]

Remembering appointments, life admin, paying bills (the bills are always paid but always left until the last minute)

The weekly food shop: I recently switched to online shopping as opposed to going in person which made things easier except I keep forgetting to actually do it in good time so never get a slot for when I need one.

Forms that need to be filled in sit hidden behind the toaster and often forgotten about. I've been meaning to apply for DS DLA for the past 18 months (I finally got that done last week - yay!)

Washing: doesn't get put away until I run out of particular clothes or have a completely free day with nothing else to do. I sometimes have 4 bags of clean washing just sat there for up to a week waiting to be put away.

Once in a blue moon I go completely the other way and have a 24-48 hour period where I'm super productive and get everything done.

Appointments: fill me with dread. If i have something coming up, for example a doctors appointment, i feel like i need atleast two days to mentally prepare for it. My time management is crap so i always arrive about an hour early (in fear of being late) and have to find something to do in the interim.

If I have two things to do in one particular day (say two appointments) I feel totally stretched and overwhelmed.

I seriously lack in my executive function. I'm a carer for my disabled son and all his needs are met as required but that's literally it. Everything else falls by the way side.

Responding to text messages/emails/voicemails.. nope. I'm the absolute worst at keeping in touch with people. I forget to reply and next thing you know a week has gone by.

I could give so many more examples but I think I've covered the main bits.

Can anybody relate?

If it is adhd what can be done to help. I am pretty much the same also have a disabled 10 year old son. I make plans to get stuff done at weekends when I am not as tired as in the week and it's never done. House is pretty much a mess most of the time. Washing can come in off line and I get my clothes out of it everyday and my sons. It's maybe be depression, lack of motivation or adhd. I would go Dr's if I think they could help me.

I would love to get up in the morning to a neat and tidy house but it's never going to happen and I am wasting life trying to sort the house to make it easier for me to deal it. On the other side my husband is like a compulsive cleaner, doesn't like things being out of its place and is always moaning at me. He says he will clean the kitchen and living room properly and then I can try keep on top of it. But when's he's done stuff like that before he throws everything away what there is somewhere to put. If a cup doesn't fit in cupboard it's gets thrown and most the clutter is my sons toys.

Think I might be mental exhausted and goes getting fed up with living like this.

Can the Dr's help with adhd?

Sal

Medication can often but not always help with ADHD @Sadless
But I think your DH is right if you don't have a space for something then it shouldn't be kept.
If you want to make space for that specific item then something else has to go.
"Decluttering at the speed of life" is an excellent book that explains this.
You can only be in control if you keep things which fit in the size of the container shelf, cupboard or house.
Including your son's toys.

16? Did you have a difficult relationship with your parents? I moved out at 18 due to this, was on my own. We don't get equipped for life via school (you'd think this would be its main purpose but no) and then we're out on our own dealing with childhood issues and most of the time get taken advantage of by abusive men.

Don't be hard on yourself. You ARE fiercely independent and you ARE "adulting" and doing life successfully. You just need to streamline in a few things and you can do that too.

Take advantage of technology for reminders and budgeting.
Streamline, do things gradually, don't expect yourself to just get everything straight away. Do this one step at a time and you will get better. I'm 40 and still pretty damn inept in many ways but I celebrate my accomplishments and there are many, many of which are very small but I did them and I'm proud of myself for them.

Stop talking yourself down so much, deal with the things you need to deal with and realise it's a process. On his deathbed DaVinci said 'I'm still learning'.

Yup difficult relationship with my mother, rushed out the house at 16 and barely any actual parenting until that point. I'm NC now. Never known my father. For a long time I put alot of my disorganization down to the bad parenting provisions I had but I think I've always known something was a bit different about me.

Celebrating accomplishments, absolutely. I was over the moon when I finished the DLA forms, now all I have to worry about is whether I did them properly and the niggling sense that I rushed them 😐I did use the cerebra guide though.

I read this article by Anne Peters recently: www.buzzfeednews.com/article/annehelenpetersen/millennials-burnout-generation-debt-work

She talks about burnout & how hard it is to complete mundane tasks. I struggle too & have to create a job list each day that I write down. I would aim to tick off a few of your tasks during that hour you have arrived early. That often feels quite satisfying, doing a task whilst waiting for another.

I am exactly the same... diagnosed with adhd aged 42 6 months ago

You have ADHD.

I have adhd (and autism) and relate to a lot of your post. Especially the paralysing fear before appointments.
Small things that have helped me try and be more organised in life is off a recommendation in another adhd thread, the app sweepy to help break down household stuff into more manageable things and to be reminded to do it.

There's a post from user @ZealAndArdour on the last page of this thread, which is well worth a read on how she organises her life with adhd, I've been slowly trying to set up my Google calendar since reading it www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4569672-74-year-old-man-26-year-old-vulnerable-woman-with-learning-disabilities?page=7&reply=117943903

OP adhd is so underdiagnosed in women, I would definitely look into that. I agree with others that you're doing really well but I understand you're striving for a sense of peace. What I would suggest, and maybe this doesn't work for people with adhd but could be worth a try, is lists and a calendar app.

I would set aside a very specific time each week to work on your to do list and set an alarm for it. When it's time, write down absolutely everything that needs to get done (consult last week's list for any carryovers) organize the list in a way that makes sense to you (which tasks should be completed at the same time), then enter everything into your calendar app. Then you don't have to give head space to anything outside of your list making time and you can just do what the app tells you to do.

No one on this thread can or should be diagnosing you. That said, a lot of what you said resonates with me and I was recently diagnosed in my forties. Now trialling meds but there are lots of other things you can trial. Tonnes of info online. Lots of people can't tolerate meds anyway so it's worth looking at the other stuff whether you ever go for formal diagnosis or not.

Is there a reason you don’t have your bills on direct debit- could you pay any of them that way? If I had to remember to pay bills I wouldn’t do it either so fortunately they are paid automatically.
If you can afford Ocado or a veg box you can set those up to recur automatically as well. Most veg box schemes also sell bread, milk etc so you’d have the basics.
I’m the same with the rest of it so no advice for anything that can’t be automated!

I've just been reading the post from @ZealAndArdour on the thread linked above and I'm in awe! I would love to be that organised. I've copied the text and saved it in my phone. Thank you for letting me know about it.

Lists / phone apps - great ideas.

WRT why the bills aren't going out by direct debit. Some are as standard but there's a couple that aren't. One being Sky. I know the balance is due on the 3rd of every month but I just put it off and off and off until I get the "late payment" alert, and then I'll probably still put it off for a day or two. I get so pissed off with myself as there's no logical reason for it. I always have the money in the bank for it so it's not a case of not being able to afford it. I think first thing tomorrow I'm going to call them and have them set up a direct debit. That'll be one less thing to worry about.

I've missed the window to get a food shopping delivery tomorrow so I'll have to go out in person. Grr. I inadvertently make my life so much harder than it needs to be.

Squirrel how are you finding the meds?

Not loving the side effects tbh.

I am exactly the same as you. I’m pretty sure I have adhd, but haven’t made an apt with my GP to get the diagnosis process started yet, it’s only been about a year so far!

Oh no, what are the side effects?

I would investigate strategies to support adults with ADHD and see if that helps you. Take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself. It sounds to me like you are a lovely mum and doing your very best.