The family outsider. How to deal with this?

[YellowBrickMode]

I was severely scapegoated by my entire family a few years ago. I spoke up about something I didn’t agree with to protect another family member.

Lies were told by the perpetrator and the family followed them like sheep and turned on me (including the person I was protecting). I was labelled a trouble maker and a liar and the label has stuck.

It was a horrendous , life changing time for me and it has had a huge impact on my prospects and future. The family themselves moved on swiftly and expected me to forget about it easily. It had little impact on any of them.

Recently, one of the family members told me in confidence that they knew I was right as they had witnessed the incident themselves , but didn’t have the courage to speak up with me. This revelation threw me completely and all the feelings of anger and resentment resurfaced.

In a bid to salvage family relationships, I tried again with my family but my confidence was ruined and I always felt they didn’t like me. Many more arguments over various trivial things ensued as they couldn’t understand why I’m not over it and I was hypersensitive to their continuous outcasting of me.

According to my family, when I raised this, it was all in my mind that they were behaving this way. When I tried to explain that their scapegoating of me has affected our relationships and has made me very sensitive , I’m immediately shut down and told I’m trying to stir up the past and need to move on.

They became frustrated with me. I was miserable and I eventually went low contact. The contact I did maintain was tense but civil, they would make belittling comments to me and make silly ‘jokes’ about me being a troublemaker.

A family member and I had a huge row a few months ago and I haven’t spoken to any of them since. The row was silly; they were trying to tell me how to do something related to my job , something I’m very well experienced in and they were telling me I’m wrong.

It got heated and they then made yet another comment about me being a troublemaker. I hate it as it is how they perceive me. I snapped. A row ensued and I left. I did send a message later that day explaining that it was a misunderstanding and their continual comments are hurtful but I was ignored.

One of our cousins has contacted me asking me to ‘make amends’ . I don’t want to. I feel like I can’t change their perception of me and I am a real outcast in the family. I cannot see this changing.

Part of me also thinks I should tell them to shove it after the appalling scapegoating I endured which they have conveniently forgotten (one even pretends they don’t remember the huge incident).

But I am also saddened that I am an outsider in my own family. What should I do?

Shameful bump

I think for your own well-being you need to stop trying where your family is concerned.

I spent years doing the right thing by my family and getting hurt in the process.

Cut them off years ago and feel so much better!

Ahh why do you still want to be around them??

best thing to do is get away from them. If the initial fallout was as bad as you say, I don’t understand why you’ve become amicable with them again.

I'm the scapegoat in my family too. It's easier for some people to blame someone else than look inside at yourself.

I stopped making contact after an awful comment, and never heard from them again.

Only you can decide what is best for you. How I decided, was "if my family died, and I had no more opportunities would I regret it? ".

Yes good question to ask. And if the answer is 'I would feel free' then there's your answer OP.

@noideabutstilltrying It’s soul destroying, sorry you endured it too.

@Strangerthings4NW I’m not sure, I have this strong sense that family is family but they bring nothing positive to my life.

@Mums1234 Good question and having thought about it, the answer is sadly no.

I think you need to think about what is best for you. And ask yourself why you feel the desire to still be enmeshed with your family. I get that family ties can feel important, but these are only hurting you and you are on a cycle of trying to get them to understand your perspective. It is unlikely to ever happen.

Please think about separating yourself from them- protect yourself - protect your own future.

I know the answer is go NC. Posters have given me food for thought and I cannot be in this cycle .

Oh OP.

I am so sorry. I recommend as well finding a therapist you trust and talking it through.

FWIW- my mother is now in her late 70s. her family were absuive and she was the scapegoat. She spent her life trying to placate them., Trying to please them. She was and is in a cycle where they absolutely use her and manipulate her and she is like a puppy trying to get into their good books. It is a cycle that has caused her such pain and unhappiness and she has never been able to break free. My father and my DSIS and I have tried to help her break trhough for all of my life at least (I am 50) and she is still stuck in it. It is desperately sad to observe.

I hope for better for you. Breaking free will be hard and there will be times when you will suffer for it, because you will think about the family you wanted rather than the family you have. But please do not destroy your own life, your own peace of mind and you future as a happy adult for people like this.

Unfortunately this dynamic doesn't change. It would take your whole attending long term family therapy to alter the labelling/scapegoating of you. It's very common in dysfunctional families. Someone is designated the bad one to take the blame and shames of someone else's poor behaviour. There's usually a narcissist or two at the centre directing the hate.

I was the whistle blower in my family of origin, the scapegoat since I was a small child. Best thing I ever did was to walk away. It took until my forties to leave the dysfunction and have never looked back.

It's not easy, it's very painful to effectively become an orphan but realistically my family added nothing to my life, regularly threw me under the bus for seeing through their nonsense. I would strongly suggest you get into therapy. It will help you to disengage and discover life is so much better without toxic people around you. 💐

Oddly enough, after writing my post above, my mother rang me. Her older sister (wthe one who took over from their mother with full manipulative bullshit) is in hospital for a small procedure. She rang my mother yesterday and said she needed her at her bedside to help her because she was so scared.

My mother dropped everything, and travelled over an hour to the hospital. She walked in to see her niece by her mother's bedside and the exclamation when she walked in from her sister was; 'Why the fuck are you here? I fucking hate you.'

DM is distraught. I cannot honestly even see why she is surprised. This is literally the merry go round she has been on since birth.

Seriously a merry go round. Please do not be in the situation you are now in in 2 years / 5 years / 10 years / 50 years.

Also, don't rush into any decisions. It's a slow decision which can't be made in anger. You have to live with the decision for the rest of your life so please don't rush it.

I just wanted to update and ask for further advice. At a recent family event, which I attended against my better judgment, it all blew up. It was partly my fault as I was on high alert for criticism as things were already tense.

One family member was saying how sad it was that the family don’t get along as we should and pointedly said it was due to me and other family members not getting on; I felt an undertone of blame and I snapped. In hindsight, I do think I’ve reacted emotionally based on past problems but I also don’t understand what they expect?

Another huge row ensued and it all came tumbling out about how their scapegoating of me ruined my life, they continue to do it and I am disgusted with them all. I don’t know why I expected them to understand and it all came back to how I need to “move on “ and “leave the past in the past” and that it “wasn’t that bad”.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am so hurt and betrayed by their past behaviours, I don’t like them. I don’t like my family . I can’t move on from it whilst I still have contact with them.

I need to go no contact; but how do I reconcile I will have no family at all. None? Am I being difficult by not just forgetting about it?

Arguments are awful so let the dust settle before you make a decision. Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

I have no family contact. But I've never had a family in the healthy sense. I'm in a better place since I left the abuse behind which is how I reconcile it.

However I don't talk about it as I feel shame around the stigma. A few people know.

@YellowBrickMode , @Mums1234 , what you do is get some counselling/therapy to process the years of abuse and to validate your decision to go NC. I am NC with my entire family because I was the scapegoat. I was able to see through the dysfunction and madness from a very young age which made me the obvious target for everyone's denial and projection. Therapy has cured me of any guilt or shame I felt.

It was very painful at first but now I am very honest about it if people ask. I tell them I broke away to protect my mental health. I don't bother to justify with details. A lot of people, especially from 'normal ' families, don't get it but their opinions are irrelevant. Until you walk in my shoes you are unable to judge.

My life is 1000% better without 'family'. They added nothing and I get love and support from people of my choosing. The lightness from not having to navigate other people's crap is priceless! However, I do still struggle with the legacy of being trained to people please. My choice of exH and some friends was not healthy and I work hard on boundaries and assertiveness to prevent the exploitation and abuse I have experienced reoccurring.

This is a journey for you guys. You can do it! People don't usually reject their families for trivial reasons, remember that.

@YellowBrickMode , you're not being difficult about it, your family don't want to acknowledge your feelings because that would make them unempathetic monsters wouldn't it. You have to be the bad guy to their 'good' guys. That's how splitting works in dysfunctional families. If you can't access therapy I would read as much as you can about toxic families, also the Stately Homes thread on Relationships board. Your feelings are warning you, to protect you, 💐take them seriously.

I would also advise you to get therapy first. Process what has led you to this position within your family and then you can look at the wider impacts of you feeling like a scapegoat, because it won't just stay within the family unit. If you are going to walk away, you need to be in and solid and stable position with regards to the position, otherwise it could end up with you sitting alone resentfully and bitterly. And there is no healing in that position. Take care.

No advice but you are not alone. You will come through this @YellowBrickMode

People who haven't been as hurt by events as you were will always say 'it wasn't that bad'. You will never be able to get them to see what happened to you because it didn't happen to them and they focus on 'keeping the family together' rather than stopping the scapegoating of you.
You have to look after you. In these situations I highly doubt that anybody else in the family will. Look at Summerlobilias 2 posts and you will see what I mean. She can see (for her mother) that if you keep doing the same thing you keep getting the same result.

I wouldn't go no contact. That creates a whole load of drama, people intervening, more of the same 'it wasn't that bad', move on from the past ' stuff you don't need.
Go low contact. Be polite but a bit disinterested in the rest of the family. Don't bother bringing these issues up or allow others to. Have something else on at family occasions you don't want to attend. 'oh what a pity but I've already arranged...' cut down on visits to your mum or whoever. If anyone starts 'oh is that the time I must get off' same with phonecalls. This leaves them nothing to hang the drama on. When asked why they haven't seen/heard from you just a cheerful 'no ...nothings wrong, I've just been so busy.' Only talk generalities. Chit chat. Give nothing important away about your personal life. Talk holidays, how the children are growing. Every thing is fine. I think you might find this is your best protection op xx

I've always been the black sheep. I have 3 sisters and felt my "faults" were always pointed out more than them. As an adult, once I found my own voice and developed more confidence and a low tolerance for bad behaviour (for my family, that includes excessive drinking and drug taking and all the associated drama and nonsense that goes with it, which I don't partake in), I have been happy to call them out on it. I could go on all day about my family and how they have messed me up, but I won't.

I'm very low contact with them all really now (apart from one sister who managed to escape to a different part of the country) and I've never been happier. No drama, no gaslighting.

It is sad but will you sew buttons in your eyes and say day is night just so you can be included? Will you compromise truth and integrity and hang out with liars who let someone get abused?

I think you might try to a few times but this will always come back up. There isn’t an easy answer.

Thank you for all of the kind posts. A lot of pp have confirmed nothing will change and I myself find it an uphill struggle to get them to understand how I feel about it all.

I’ve realised now from these posts, it’s unlikely they’ll ever understand. My family bring nothing to my life but negative feelings. The one time I did ask for support at a tricky time, I was turned away for a very trivial reason and it just made me feel as if I’m not worth helping. We are not close and going low or no contact won’t affect my day to day life.

I made the effort in my family so after an awful comment, I stopped making the effort and never heard from anybody. We moved a few years later and I didn't tell them.

The same may happen to you if there is little contact anyway.