Feel like I never fit in anywhere, anyone else?

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We moved last year to a new area. Previously we lived in London and I never felt trendy enough. There were lots of hipster types who seemed so much more modern than me.

Now I live in the Home Counties and it’s very affluent. I feel like I’m not rich/successful enough and don’t spend my money on the right things.

Growing up I lived in an area which is a bit rough, but we had a house in one of the nicer areas. At school I felt too posh and that I had to play down how much money we had (not loads, but more than many of my peers).

Over the years we have considered moving to many different areas and I’ve ruled them all out due to feeling like I wouldn’t fit in.

I’ve started to think that maybe ‘my tribe’ doesn’t exist and the problem might actually be…me?? Does anyone else always feel like this? What makes us feel like we never fit in? And how do you stop feeling like this?

You dont need to have the same expectations or circumstances to be accepted. What are your actual interactions with other people like?

Yes, I can relate.

I am never quite...right for any group.
I suppose it's probably a self esteem issue.

Although I do tend to like and get on with the odd bods in a setting.

I get on well with almost everyone, don’t struggle with small talk, people seem to like me and find me nice enough. But I rarely get past that superficial “someone to chat to in the playground” stage and make actual friends.

Really this isn’t about others accepting you. It’s about you accepting yourself. You need to know what you like, what your views are, how you like to dress etc. Clearly, you don’t. It would probably be helpful to find a Clinical Psychologist or a good Counsellor to explore these issues with and work toward becoming comfortable in your own skin.

I had good friends at school that I'm still close to, made some friends at uni that I'm still friends with now, in my first professional job I fitted in well, again made friends that I still have now. So OP if I'd read your post in my early 30s I probably wouldn't have related at all.

But I moved to a new city at 32 on my own. Over 10 years later I have a partner, child and people I'm friendly with. But I don't feel I fit in here at all. It's not a neighborhood thing - I've lived in 4 very different parts of the city. My friends are lovely but they are not close friends and if I moved away I think we would quickly lose contact as we just don't have enough in common. I don't know why I find it so hard here having found fitting-in relatively easy up until moving here. It does make me sad.

Gosh, I could have written this OP! I'm in my 40s now and seemed to connect with people a lot better in my 20s / early 30s but now I feel just like you. I can talk to most people fine but can't seem to get past that superficial stage either. Im.from London and It's like there are groups of female friends I see and they seem really successful/ well off so I dont think they have much in common with me / I'm.not posh enough (I have a reasonably good job) or there's other groups of friends I think will find me not cool enough or I cant get in their click. Hey, reading this back it does sound like it's me with the negative thoughts but just wanted to say, I hear where you're coming from and I wish I could feel a bit more like I fit in too. I think it is an esteem issue really.

Yes, same! I see other women and think oh they won’t want to be friends with me because they’re too xyz. But objectively I’m not all that different from them really (similar dress size, house, clothes etc). On paper there is nothing that makes me stand out that much, but I feel like I don’t fit in.

I think PPs are right that it is a self-esteem issue.

Thats me! Funnily enough, when i lived abroad, i never had this.

I’m in a tribe of one, it’s very exclusive.

I doubt it's because you don't fit in. I'm the same, make great small talk and get on with most people but rarely get close to anyone. You probably need to relax and open up more to people, that's usually my problem. Perhaps like me, you're quite guarded without knowing it.

Yes I've never fitted in anywhere. It's a lot to do with shyness / low self esteem and also not really having a clear sense of self as someone suggested up thread. I've always shifted to accommodate others, I think because I don't like to force people to do what I'm into and never related well or made friends with others in relevant hobby groups that I've tried. I can't do small talk and keep my head down on school runs etc. Keep under the radar as I just don't know what people find to talk about.

Yes, I get this 100%. Felt exactly the same as you a decade ago. Now I'm nearly 40 and have tried to embrace it. I don't have a friendship group, I have an assortment of friends many of whom are different ages and cultural backgrounds (could never quite fit in with my peers somehow). I tell myself life is more interesting for it although I still get a pang of envy when I see friends going on girly holidays and hen dos (I'm never part of those groups despite my best efforts). I'm completely NT and have good social skills, just don't quite fit anywhere. My advice would be to be open to friendship with people outside your peer group, that's where I've found my most meaningful relationships.

Move to the North

Honestly, OP, your posts seem very superficial — you say that you’re ‘objectively not much different’ to other women you’ve met because you have similar dress sizes, similar-sized houses, similar clothes? Seriously? These are your criteria? I’m not surprised you have difficulty moving past the superficial chit chat stage if these are your ideas of common ground. Who actually are you, really? What matters to you? What kind of people do you want in your life? Does the size of their house or their BMI really matter to you?

I’m not white and when I lived in both London and Birmingham just melted in to a sea of very mixed faces. I have now lived in a market town that is about 95% white for over 20 years. In theory I should feel I don’t fit but I have been totally fine.

Your post talks about clothes and money, I think I detect a little self sabotage here based on the English class system and your own hang ups. You worry too much about how you are perceived. I found my tribe through work, many nerds worked in my area. Also through voluntary work because people all shared the same passion and also through hobbies.

I don’t get the same dress, size, house etc, of my good local friends I have one who lives in a council house and two who are honestly really very wealthy. I have never considered dress size a reason to be matey or not matey with anyone. I would say it’s in your head.

I get this. People think I'm posh. I'm not. The real posh people know I'm not. So I don't fit in anywhere

I often feel a bit lost between various worlds.
I'm from a working class family (dad's an HGV driver), but went to private school on an 'assisted place'.
I felt out of place there as I couldn't keep up with the fashion choices and holidays of my friends. I was the only girl in my year without a computer at home and so on.
I then went to a 'posh' Russell Group uni and again felt out of place. I had a job throughout and, during the summer holidays, my friends would all go travelling whilst I worked in a factory.
My DH, who I met at Uni, feels the same as me, as his dad was born in a council flat and his mum was born in a stately home.
I feel like I'm too down to earth to fit in with typical metropolitan middle class types. I can't stand their hypocrisy - banging on about climate change whilst flying to Ecuador, lecturing about the unfairness of house prices whilst taking £50k from the bank of mum and dad to buy their first home. We've grafted like dogs, with no help, for what we have, and I worry that people might think I'm one of them!
But I feel too middle class and metropolitan - and dare I say, educated - to truly fit in with typical working class types.
So yes, I understand where you're coming from OP.