Went to hospital but shut down when talking about how I got on

[Legoandloldolls]

I'm feeling sorry for myself, a bit shit really and scared.

I had a an emergency appointment and was there most of the day having tests. I really needed someone to take me home but dh was working so that made me feel a bit crappy.

But I have just told my sis and when ever I mention my health she never ever ever continues the conversation ever. It's really noticeable so I'm really conscious of not talking it as I'm presuming she is fed of if me talking about my health. But for almost a year it's not been mentioned. One of my tests was for MS so no minor ailments. Today's test could be life changing. I just dont know what to do. So much for be kind. I'm being gray rocked often by her even though I try to never talk about me, I dont go to her with issues either so I'm not depending on her or dumping my problems on her.

But she is definitely Gray rocking me. I have asked three times over the past year if I have pissed her off but she says no. I'm definitely not being a drain as i have adjusted my conversations actively to not be about me or any thing about my life.

Just not sure what to do next really. If I have MS or some other cronic condition do I just not discuss it? I am 100%sure that is what she wants but at some point if I do get a diagnosis of something it might become apparent?

The most obvious reason I think of is that she thinks I'm a drama lama narcissist who only talks about my health but I'm really sure I haven't talked about my tests for a good year or so. I dont go to her with my problems. I dont talk about my life as I'm conscious she doesn't take up those conversations any more. Sometimes I talk about just general shit and stop to sneeze and even that doesnt prompt asking me to finish what I was saying.

It's such a head fuck on top of today. I just want to talk about it. It was a upsetting day.

I think I must be really annoying but not sure how much more I can change my behaviour to be palatable.

Nobody really knows but her OP, and it could be anything. It doesn't mean you're annoying or that she doesn't love you and you aren't expecting too much to be able to talk about a worrying time, the effect being unwell has on your life and so on are all very difficult things to digest when they are happening to you.

Some people find the idea of a loved one being ill or dying (not suggesting this is remotely the case but often people conflate the two in their minds) really difficult to digest and cope by avoiding it entirely. Others unfortunately struggle to believe any illness they can't see and that is a whole different ball game of ingrained prejudice entirely.

I'm chronically unwell and I would say the response from the majority of people in my life is one that leaves me feeling a bit shit even when there are people are clearly trying their best. It is clear to me that people universally struggle to meaningfully empathise with things they've not experienced, and so those who are fortunate enough to have no health concerns or disabilities just often can't 'see' what the impact of it is mentally, physically and in terms of the day to day disadvantages you face when burdened with pain or illness. Ultimately it isn't their fault they don't know, but it can make it very lonely.

I would try to distance yourself from taking it personally, try to start a dialogue with her about the impact your health struggles are having and tell her what you need from her in plain terms. At the same time find people who do understand, and talk to them; communities online, those you know in a similar boat etc, it doesn't have to be her to offer something of value.

I dont think talking about the impacts is something that would work either. I'm losing my sight. I'm scared I'm going to go blind. I dont want to explain to anyone how the possibility of going blind would personally effect me. It would be obviously change anyones life.

I'm fat and she is very fit and active so I dont know maybe she thinks I just need to loose weight and I'd be all good. I wish it was that simple but there some things you cant diet away.

Right now I cant see how she can care. What happens if at some point I loose my driving licence? At what is it ok to explain why I no longer drive for example.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself but that's where your head goes without talking it out.

Do you have health anxieties OP? I'm just getting the impression that perhaps you do and that perhaps in the past you have had different scares or ailments? It's just the way that you've said that you've not talked about it for a year, which might suggest that this has been a recurring problem/concern previously (?). You've also said that you're losing your sight and could end up blind, yet you also talk about the possibility of losing your driver's license. I'm no expert, but would have thought that if you were losing your sight and going blind, you would have already lost your license or be pretty close to losing it (?). So perhaps your fear causes you to catastrophize/worry which then translates as attention seeking (particularly if your sister also has her own health worries or others close to her that she worries about). I'm just reading through the lines here. Or maybe she just doesn't want to talk about health concerns. Some people can be like that and prefer to bury their head in the sand. I don't think that it's necessarily a case that she doesn't care.

No it's not health anxiety in so much that I've had MRIs and eye scaring so it's only anxiety in relation to those tests and why they was needed. Possible MS came up as a unexpected by finding of one of another tests. But as an example I had tests for nerve pain and the consultant said he was considering MS among other things. I did mention that to my sister and there was nothing. No response, not even 'why does he think that? It's very unlikely to be that its just nothing. So since then I haven't mentioned any of those tests or what the conclusion was. So that's more or less concluded now.

The eye problem is ongoing and separate. I had real tests today so I dont think that's anxiety as the Dr would have said it all looked fine and sent me on my way.

Going blind is catastrophising yes but it's a real possibility. Although not the most likely maybe. Like having pre eclampsia. Your unlikely to die or abort full term, but it happens. A bit like that scenario I guess. Not fatal but it's worth mentioning in passing iykwim? Like if she said she found a lump, I would think it would be unlikely to be cancer, but I'd hear her.

Bar the MS tests I have been healthy so just that period about a year ago. Nothing before then heath wise.