My 3 year old seems to be the only child having tantrums on holiday

Imthekingsmummy · 2022-06-17T14:51:05+00:00

It's our first holiday abroad and my god is it stressful. My 3 year old has started tantrums. I get he's tired, overwhelmed and over excited to be at a new exciting place but t the past 2 days have been awful. First kicking off in the restaurant because I refuse to carry him all the time, or that I've left him with Dad to get my food, or that he can't have fizzy pop all the time. Second kicking off because he can't spend all my money and our time on the toy motorbikes. Third because he threw a ball at a man's head and refused to say sorry. I've bought him back to the room and said we can't play out again today because of his behaviour. I feel drained and like a shit mum. Each time I've removed him from the situation it's been him shouting and screaming all the way along the pool and felt like a million eyes were on us. I feel totally shit and fed up.

Sapphirensteel · 17/06/2022 16:01

He’s not the only child having a tantrum, just the only one you can see at that moment. And the only one you have to deal with.
It’s the heat, combined with the excitement of being in holiday. I had a grizzler, no screaming, just constant grizzling as nothing I did was good enough—- it’s wearing but it does pass.
Perhaps try a Mediterranean timetable—- up early while it’s still cool. Swim, breakfast, one activity. Lunch then siesta, 2 hours minimum 3 + if you can manage it then out again as the day cools off. Probably not the greatest timetable for adults on holiday but might calm dc down.

( and remember other parents are thinking how the hell did I deal with tantrums, I’m glad it’s not just my child who did that etc. Etc. )

Sapphirensteel · 17/06/2022 16:02

And you’re not a shit mum, tantrums and heat don’t go well together.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/06/2022 16:08

I can 100% guarantee he is not the only one having tantrums, and also that his tantrums are not the worst. It feels like that right now, but most of us have been there and are thinking "thank Christ it's someone else for once" rather than judging.

I always found holidays with DS disappointing when he was tiny, because he just wouldn't get with the programme and it really was just same shit different place.

Mommabear20 · 17/06/2022 16:10

My DD has been like this the past few days because of the heat and we're just at home! Kids don't have the same understanding of why they're too hot or same ability to regulate their body temperature. I can assure you, you are not the only one whose children have tantrums and I highly doubt you're a shit mum (but I get how you feel when it is your kid, it feels awful!)

worriedatthistime · 17/06/2022 16:39

I guarantee he won't be the only chIld having a tantrum and some won't have them as they won't be told no or not to do something which is much worse in my opinion

BertieBotts · 17/06/2022 16:49

Having just returned from holiday with a 3.10yo and 10 month old I can guarantee yours is absolutely not the only one!!

Travelling is exhausting and overstimulating for them. IME you need to do a couple of things with this.

As many naps as you can wrangle. Car naps, buggy naps, TV, whatever you can possibly do to get them to sleep as much as possible, even if they don't normally nap any more. Sleep helps. Try to avoid late nights unless they will sleep in a buggy. In fact if you can make bedtime earlier than at home, do that. Ideally, arrange accommodation and planned evening activities with this in mind (but you never know that until you've had your first holiday with a no-longer-toddler, so if it's already too late, just do whatever you can). If your accommodation has shutters, use them as blackout blinds, as well as using them to control the temperature (block the sun when it's shining directly on that side of the building). On that note, don't open windows unless the outside temperature is cooler than inside.
WATER. Or any other drink, if you're in a hot country. Let him drink pop if it keeps him hydrated. Dehydration makes behaviour worse.
Other physical needs too. If he's potty trained, using unusual toilets can be anxiety inducing so might be causing him to hold on more for wees/poos than normal and you'll want to do more regular encouraging to go. Or if he's still in nappies part time, just drop any potty training efforts for the duration of the holiday. Food - try to find something he can fill his belly with and be relaxed about him trying unusual/new foods or eating a balanced diet. Consider hiring a buggy if you haven't brought one with you, or buying a cheap one from a supermarket, or carrying him on your shoulders.
Massively lowered expectations. Forget any discipline/ behaviour/ teaching goals as they are just not likely to have their usual capacity to reach them, nor will anything learned on holiday be remembered, just do behaviour management in the moment. Make allowances. Go heavy on distraction, bribery and redirection, light on consequences and warnings. For example I would not have tried to make him apologise to the man. Just apologise on his behalf and move away. They are likely to be so hyped/wired that none of this is forming a long term expectation plus they are doing all kinds of stuff they would never do normally, so you're better off ignoring bad behaviour than punishing it. If it's dangerous "take action without insult" e.g. neutrally move him away or similar without admonishing. Don't say something like "You have to play over here because you can't behave over there" just distract him with something fun that isn't dangerous, or block access to the dangerous thing.
Lots of pre-emptive managing the environment rather than your child's behaviour too. For example, ball games only played away from other people, not being in view of the motorbikes if you don't want to be paying out for them. Plan simple and semi-familiar activities such as playing on the beach rather than going to heaps of attractions where specific behaviour is expected. And pay for the motorbikes a few times he is on holiday too!
Let stuff go and try not to be phased by it. It doesn't matter if some random person you'll never see again thinks your parenting is lax or your child is rude. Obviously, try to do damage control/prevent anything that is actually destructive or annoying to others but other than that, nobody else matters and it's not worth your stress or the battle.
Lastly a general understanding that the holiday will involve a fair bit of working around your child and won't be the same as a childfree holiday goes a long way to managing expectations and whether it feels like a success or a failure.

Flipflopblowout · 17/06/2022 16:53

If it is really hot where you are then it could be dehydration, cut out the fizzy pop which makes you pee more and give lots of water based drinks

HSKAT · 17/06/2022 16:56

Nope you aren't the only one.
It's just in that moment you feel like it's just you.
Naps are very important on holiday so kids no matter the age.
Is he managing to have one at least through the day?

Afterfire · 17/06/2022 17:00

Change of scenery can be really over stimulating and unnerving for some children. I remember one particularly awful holiday when Ds was about 3 where he didn’t sleep more than 2 hours in a row the entire week and was up for the day at 4.30am every single bloody day. We watched Cars on loop practically every single day on loop (from 4.30am) because it was all he wanted to do and it calmed him down! Even now I can’t even look at lightening McQueen ever again.

Things have got better since and from about 6 onwards holidays were much more fun and now aged 10 he LOVES holidays! But 3 is a really shit and difficult age for many children who love routine etc. It can be really difficult.

Maybe tone everything down - eat a picnic type lunch somewhere quiet or in your room, go to a quieter beach somewhere, lots of screen time to relax etc. These are all things that helped us.

mumonthehill · 17/06/2022 17:00

We went on holiday with ds 3 and he was the same. He refused to eat anything but cheese crisps so that is what he ate for 2 weeks, not worth the fight. He hated the pool, he hated everything. In fact it is a miracle we ever took him away again. The low point was a full on meltdown on a pedalo! It does get better and he always loved holidays after this. Lots of naps, give in on the food and try and enjoy as much as you can.

Original poster

Imthekingsmummy · 17/06/2022 17:10

Thanks everyone, nice to know I'm not alone.
It's made me very emotional today too.

He's napping now for the first time this week. He doesn't usually nap so he must be so tired & overwhelmed.

He's been asleep 2 hours now. Praying for a better evening and a fresh start tomorrow.

OP posts:

BreadInCaptivity · 17/06/2022 17:13

BertieBotts · 17/06/2022 16:49

Having just returned from holiday with a 3.10yo and 10 month old I can guarantee yours is absolutely not the only one!!

Travelling is exhausting and overstimulating for them. IME you need to do a couple of things with this.

As many naps as you can wrangle. Car naps, buggy naps, TV, whatever you can possibly do to get them to sleep as much as possible, even if they don't normally nap any more. Sleep helps. Try to avoid late nights unless they will sleep in a buggy. In fact if you can make bedtime earlier than at home, do that. Ideally, arrange accommodation and planned evening activities with this in mind (but you never know that until you've had your first holiday with a no-longer-toddler, so if it's already too late, just do whatever you can). If your accommodation has shutters, use them as blackout blinds, as well as using them to control the temperature (block the sun when it's shining directly on that side of the building). On that note, don't open windows unless the outside temperature is cooler than inside.
WATER. Or any other drink, if you're in a hot country. Let him drink pop if it keeps him hydrated. Dehydration makes behaviour worse.
Other physical needs too. If he's potty trained, using unusual toilets can be anxiety inducing so might be causing him to hold on more for wees/poos than normal and you'll want to do more regular encouraging to go. Or if he's still in nappies part time, just drop any potty training efforts for the duration of the holiday. Food - try to find something he can fill his belly with and be relaxed about him trying unusual/new foods or eating a balanced diet. Consider hiring a buggy if you haven't brought one with you, or buying a cheap one from a supermarket, or carrying him on your shoulders.
Massively lowered expectations. Forget any discipline/ behaviour/ teaching goals as they are just not likely to have their usual capacity to reach them, nor will anything learned on holiday be remembered, just do behaviour management in the moment. Make allowances. Go heavy on distraction, bribery and redirection, light on consequences and warnings. For example I would not have tried to make him apologise to the man. Just apologise on his behalf and move away. They are likely to be so hyped/wired that none of this is forming a long term expectation plus they are doing all kinds of stuff they would never do normally, so you're better off ignoring bad behaviour than punishing it. If it's dangerous "take action without insult" e.g. neutrally move him away or similar without admonishing. Don't say something like "You have to play over here because you can't behave over there" just distract him with something fun that isn't dangerous, or block access to the dangerous thing.
Lots of pre-emptive managing the environment rather than your child's behaviour too. For example, ball games only played away from other people, not being in view of the motorbikes if you don't want to be paying out for them. Plan simple and semi-familiar activities such as playing on the beach rather than going to heaps of attractions where specific behaviour is expected. And pay for the motorbikes a few times he is on holiday too!
Let stuff go and try not to be phased by it. It doesn't matter if some random person you'll never see again thinks your parenting is lax or your child is rude. Obviously, try to do damage control/prevent anything that is actually destructive or annoying to others but other than that, nobody else matters and it's not worth your stress or the battle.
Lastly a general understanding that the holiday will involve a fair bit of working around your child and won't be the same as a childfree holiday goes a long way to managing expectations and whether it feels like a success or a failure.

Excellent post.

Especially re: lowering expectations.

You're all out of normal routine, so you are not going to cement poor behaviour.

You just need to minimise it and take the most pragmatic "off ramp" from it.

You are definitely not alone but it's all you can see when it's happening to you.

I remember a post a while ago re: toddler tantrums and "everyone looking" and pointed out in my case it would have been with a great deal of sympathy and an air of thank god I'm not dealing with that any more as opposed to any criticism whatsoever.

balalake · 17/06/2022 17:21

You did not accept or appease his behaviour. You have standards. If only all parents with temper tantrums or unacceptable behaviour from their DC acted as you have, things would be a lot better.

Afterfire · 17/06/2022 17:22

BreadInCaptivity · 17/06/2022 17:13

Excellent post.

Especially re: lowering expectations.

You're all out of normal routine, so you are not going to cement poor behaviour.

You just need to minimise it and take the most pragmatic "off ramp" from it.

You are definitely not alone but it's all you can see when it's happening to you.

I remember a post a while ago re: toddler tantrums and "everyone looking" and pointed out in my case it would have been with a great deal of sympathy and an air of thank god I'm not dealing with that any more as opposed to any criticism whatsoever.

Show quote history

I think this is also really true. When your child has a tantrum you feel like every look is a judgemental look but actually most people have been through that horrid toddler stage and will be looking at you thinking either thank god I’m not at that stage anymore or just feeling sorry for you!

BreadInCaptivity · 17/06/2022 17:24

mumonthehill · 17/06/2022 17:00

We went on holiday with ds 3 and he was the same. He refused to eat anything but cheese crisps so that is what he ate for 2 weeks, not worth the fight. He hated the pool, he hated everything. In fact it is a miracle we ever took him away again. The low point was a full on meltdown on a pedalo! It does get better and he always loved holidays after this. Lots of naps, give in on the food and try and enjoy as much as you can.

We had the ham sandwich and lemonade holiday 😂. All he would eat/drink.

Had to visit a local supermarket to stock up (villa holiday). He'd never even drunk lemonade before (but saw it in the fridge and wanted to have the "fizzy water" or nothing).

Didn't touch either again for years after we returned home (and left me with an irrational hatred of the work "fizzy" after being asked for told "more fizzy" about 20 times a day for 2 weeks 🤦‍♀️

BreadInCaptivity · 17/06/2022 17:29

balalake · 17/06/2022 17:21

You did not accept or appease his behaviour. You have standards. If only all parents with temper tantrums or unacceptable behaviour from their DC acted as you have, things would be a lot better.

Really......

Lots of helpful practical advice there .

Relaxing normal rules on holiday isn't about lowering standards.

It's about accepting the impact of a change in routine and using alternative strategies in that situation to reduce the frequency and impact of tantrums on everyone.

minipie · 17/06/2022 17:36

Re sleep: Mine have always slept less at night on holiday. Which given they survive on the bare minimum of sleep at home, is not good. They don’t nap either.

We soon realised that a 1 hr drive after lunch (in an air con car) was a necessity on holiday, just so they’d have a nap and be able to get through dinner.

Mariposista · 17/06/2022 17:47

It’s a horrid age OP. In a couple of years you will look back and sigh with relief, on holiday with a much nicer child.

Mojoj · 17/06/2022 17:54

BertieBotts · 17/06/2022 16:49

Having just returned from holiday with a 3.10yo and 10 month old I can guarantee yours is absolutely not the only one!!

Travelling is exhausting and overstimulating for them. IME you need to do a couple of things with this.

As many naps as you can wrangle. Car naps, buggy naps, TV, whatever you can possibly do to get them to sleep as much as possible, even if they don't normally nap any more. Sleep helps. Try to avoid late nights unless they will sleep in a buggy. In fact if you can make bedtime earlier than at home, do that. Ideally, arrange accommodation and planned evening activities with this in mind (but you never know that until you've had your first holiday with a no-longer-toddler, so if it's already too late, just do whatever you can). If your accommodation has shutters, use them as blackout blinds, as well as using them to control the temperature (block the sun when it's shining directly on that side of the building). On that note, don't open windows unless the outside temperature is cooler than inside.
WATER. Or any other drink, if you're in a hot country. Let him drink pop if it keeps him hydrated. Dehydration makes behaviour worse.
Other physical needs too. If he's potty trained, using unusual toilets can be anxiety inducing so might be causing him to hold on more for wees/poos than normal and you'll want to do more regular encouraging to go. Or if he's still in nappies part time, just drop any potty training efforts for the duration of the holiday. Food - try to find something he can fill his belly with and be relaxed about him trying unusual/new foods or eating a balanced diet. Consider hiring a buggy if you haven't brought one with you, or buying a cheap one from a supermarket, or carrying him on your shoulders.
Massively lowered expectations. Forget any discipline/ behaviour/ teaching goals as they are just not likely to have their usual capacity to reach them, nor will anything learned on holiday be remembered, just do behaviour management in the moment. Make allowances. Go heavy on distraction, bribery and redirection, light on consequences and warnings. For example I would not have tried to make him apologise to the man. Just apologise on his behalf and move away. They are likely to be so hyped/wired that none of this is forming a long term expectation plus they are doing all kinds of stuff they would never do normally, so you're better off ignoring bad behaviour than punishing it. If it's dangerous "take action without insult" e.g. neutrally move him away or similar without admonishing. Don't say something like "You have to play over here because you can't behave over there" just distract him with something fun that isn't dangerous, or block access to the dangerous thing.
Lots of pre-emptive managing the environment rather than your child's behaviour too. For example, ball games only played away from other people, not being in view of the motorbikes if you don't want to be paying out for them. Plan simple and semi-familiar activities such as playing on the beach rather than going to heaps of attractions where specific behaviour is expected. And pay for the motorbikes a few times he is on holiday too!
Let stuff go and try not to be phased by it. It doesn't matter if some random person you'll never see again thinks your parenting is lax or your child is rude. Obviously, try to do damage control/prevent anything that is actually destructive or annoying to others but other than that, nobody else matters and it's not worth your stress or the battle.
Lastly a general understanding that the holiday will involve a fair bit of working around your child and won't be the same as a childfree holiday goes a long way to managing expectations and whether it feels like a success or a failure.

This. You're doing great. Try and relax and enjoy yourself!

My 3 year old seems to be the only child having tantrums on holiday

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