Why do people tell such dreadful lies?

[StarCrushedPineapple]

I'm nearing 50 and at the point of deciding it just isn't worth interacting with anybody anymore. Family, friends, the public. It seems you can't rely on anyone.

I won't give specific examples, it's mostly just people talking absolute shit and I have no patience for it but I don't understand why it's so commonplace.

Why would somebody blatantly twist a scenario and invent details and "facts" that simply aren't true? Especially when I was standing right there in that particular incident, and it absolutely did not happen?

Why would someone pretend to be great friends with someone to their face, only to laugh about them and slag them off behind their back, and use the fake friendship to gather ammunition to use against them?

Why would someone describe the condition of a room and its contents, decor and tidiness, and the attitude of the person in it and things they'd supposedly said and done, when they didn't even enter the house or even SEE that person at all?

Why would someone tell a family member that a guest at an event absolutely loathed them on sight, when it was the first time they'd even met them - and in fact the opposite was true, the guest really took to them and chatted to them for ages?

There was no personal benefit to be had in any of these circumstances, the only outcome was to stir up shit and create drama and discomfort for other people.

What's the attraction or benefit in doing that? Are their own lives really so empty? I'd love to know.

You must have met my SIL.

Fuck knows what she gets from it but you’ve described her behaviour to a tee,

Snap! My ex sister in law was/is exactly the same. But then so is her brother- my ex husband. I blame their narcissistic mother.

I work with someone like this and it swings from me almost laughing at them ( no it didn't happen that way , I was actually there and witnessed it) to absolute rage (lying about having to leave work early because someone had tried to take their own life).
I don't trust them an inch and have to watch my back constantly because they have thrown me under the bus a few times, with their lies.

I literally don't have any conversations with either of them because they are liars to their very cores. They will put a complete 180 on something that someone has said or done. With my ex I actually went out of my way to help him when he had a health issue, my son who was in his late teens at the time, overheard my ex telling his neighbour that I had offered him absolutely no help at all and had been awful to him.🤯
Saddest part of that was that my son all of a sudden lost his hero dad overnight. He couldn't wrap his head around the lying, especially as he knew how much I'd supported his Dad despite having split up.
He truly idolised his Dad and after a lot of other issues, now barely ever sees him. Once the mask slipped he has never trusted him since.

Why would somebody blatantly twist a scenario and invent details and "facts" that simply aren't true? Especially when I was standing right there in that particular incident, and it absolutely did not happen?

MIL does this sometimes as does her brother DH uncle- and DH to a lesser extent - and it partly seems to be down to telling a good story coming first and facts seconds and partly due to exceptionally poor episodic memory and their brains filling in blanks - so over the decades the same stories get more and more but they actually believe them as they remember the re-told event as real.

MIL once re-told a story about money being taken from her purse so different from events FIL had to point out to me I was actually there - and yes MIL fully believed her version in which she did nothing careless - which is what I remember.

I do find it best to correct things as soon as possible - other wise these "facts" get established. I can feel mad doing so - MIL told DH Aunt if front of me that I'd only every been on holiday to this one place we were going to - this was unimportant really but if I hadn't corrected next time I mentioned somewhere else I'd been on holiday I'd be one confused or lying.

Other people do it for more nefarious reasons to manipulate others and I did wonder but it does seem to be more memory issues and heavy application of rose tinted glasses.

Interesting. I genuinely don't quite comprehend it.

In my MILs case she is a nasty person who loves nothing more than to blacken somebody's name and grind them into the dirt when they've done nothing to deserve it - whether it's an innocent neighbour, a friend she's known for years and abruptly turned on, or her own child/her own child's partner. I always believed it was an untreated thyroid condition that caused her behaviour, now I'm not sure she isn't just an arsehole.

As for the other examples, these family members started small years ago but have really ramped it up recently. We try to keep a distance but can't remove ourselves entirely, we are enmeshed by blood, and it all makes me very nervous and mistrustful. However honest, helpful and generous we are, we operate in the full knowledge that none of them let the facts get in the way of a good dramatic lie to paint someone else in a bad light. Nowadays they don't even bother to cover their tracks, we know who said what about whom and confront them and the attitude is "so what, prove it."

Every family christening, barbecue, baby shower and party has me knotted up with dread. I just want a fucking easy life, wish we could disown the lot of them and they could talk about us to their hearts content! Yep, I've had 16 affairs, have 3 children to my lovers, gave them all up for adoption, have never given a penny to any of my stepchildren, run a brothel from a chalet on the seafront and I like a cucumber up the arse every Saturday night in front of Ant and Dec.

People will always do things you don't understand. It doesn't matter.

Keep your life peaceful and free of the 'WHY???' self-torture by distancing yourself from people who make you feel like that. You'll never know why.

I've a friend who just puts a different spin on everything so I hear her describe something which I know I went to too but she's totally embellished it. Drives me mad!

Sounds like my ex SIL!

You're right, I'll never know "why" @Watchkeys but it does matter when it hurts me and my DH, and causes arguments and bad feeling where there needn't have been any to begin with.

And you can't distance yourself when it's close family. Thanks to smart phones and social media, it's all still going on even when you're not seeing it/hearing it personally. It comes back around to you, sometimes years later...you can run but you can't hide.

That's a very dramatic post that says a lot about your interpretation of events.

If you have a hurtful family member, you can absolutely pull back, not get drawn into arguments, not engage in bad feeling.

Be a grown up: refuse the drama. Anybody can say what they want. Anybody can make up any nonsense they want. Adults realise that the level of drama in their life is their own responsibility, and not down to 'what someone said'.

Ignore. Roll your eyes at the silliness of the lives. Let people believe her, and don't defend yourself. You won't be the only one who can see she's full of tosh.

Some people are just two faced and nasty. It’s best to steer clear of these negative energy drainers

My mother does this and then gets full on rage if you point out that it isn't true. Reality to her is what she wants it to be not what it actually is.

You must of met my SIL.
We went no contact 4 years ago. She turned up on my doorstep last year expecting to be let in and things to be normal. Not a chance.

These people are best avoided. Family doesn't mean they have to be in your life's. You can still be no contact and wish them well.

I know what you mean, I can't stand it. A lot of people I work with are like this and the market town I live outside of, a lot people are like that there too.

I just stay out of all of that, I find it so hard to trust people because I find a lot of people very unkind and judgmental.

Do you remember when Caroline Flack was arrested and the media went crazy? So many people around me were so scathing and cruel about her. At the time I said, nobody actually knows what's gone on and nobody deserves this amount of hate. Then she passed away and the same people were saying "be kind" and "isn't it sad?"

This is just an example that comes to mind, but my point being that a lot of people don't seem to be particularly honest or kind to one another

I can't explain how hard it is to "step away" without revealing the uniqueness of the situation. But, we can't because of who the ringleaders are to us.

To openly call all 4 of them vicious liars would cause a massive rift and break my DH. Not me, only him. So we hear it, dismiss it and move on. Something in the dynamic has changed recently so we are getting to hear both sides, not just one, so the level of bullshittery has just become more evident, that's all.

Coupled with a coincidentally timed beaut from my MIL I felt moved to ask, why do people do it. If that makes ME the dramatic one, well. OK then.

So we hear it, dismiss it and move on

Yes, that's stepping away from it.

Yes exactly @RedRobyn2021 , that's a good example too. My DH has always said I'm a soft touch too willing to believe the best in people, now I might take a leaf out of his book and assume everyone is an arsehole until they prove otherwise.

No idea. I know someone who loved to have the ‘shock’ factor in all her conversations. She made all sorts of stuff up. She loved the drama. I avoid her at all costs now and don’t tell her any details about my life as I know she will be passing it onto someone else but the twisted version of it! It’s bizarre.

I had a neighbour who would lie for no good reason. It was to make things more exciting, I think,, and was a habit he didn't even think.about. It's a shame because he'll find no-one believes him when he is telling the truth.

But I had an interesting take on this subject recently. I had a funny conversation with someone ("Dave") and my DS was listening. Later I related my version to DH and we had a laugh. The story made me look good. But then DS said, "Yeah, but Dave said X to you." And then I remembered Dave saying it. This didn't make me look so good - and I had completely blocked it from my.mind! So my point is that some lies may be self-deception and the liar may not even realise they're lying.

I sort of get how an insecure little boy might tell a few little porkies when he's small to avoid being told off, and might then embellish a few things as a teenager to make himself seem more interesting.

But how that evolves into compulsive lying for no purpose or benefit (saying you're late because you stopped off at Morrisons for a pint of milk, when you actually went to Starbucks) is a mystery.

And how that develops into frequent tales such as telling everyone that your sister's boyfriend tried to fight you and called you an offensive slur in the car park, causing a pub brawl where the police were called, when none of that even happened because I was there, is beyond me.

My MIL called the police and told them her neighbour was building a cage to contain their child. It was a run for his rare ducks. 🙄