What is wrong with me?

[LongTermIssues]

This is probably going to identify me to anyone who knows me in real life but I don’t care anymore.

I’ve started self-harming as I’m so bloody angry at how my body just doesn’t work properly. I’m on multiple medications for multiple chronic illnesses, I’m mentally messed up completely and simply can’t see how my body shouldn’t be punished.

to be clear I’m not suicidal in any way, I just want some release from this pain that my body places on me. I have POTS, ME CFS, multiple allergies, eczema, urticaria, hayfever, hypermobility which causes several joints to sublux (partially dislocate) daily. And of course I’m on antidepressants long term for depression and anxiety but I’m never convinced it’s that simple, I wonder if I’m bipolar and/or BPD.

I’ve got 2 gorgeous children who I love with all my heart but it kills me knowing they’re gonna be growing up with a messed up mummy like me and I so desperately don’t want them to end up messed up like me.

what do I do?!? Please be kind!

Anyone?

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. Having these conditions can’t be easy at all.

I think it’s fine to wonder if there is something more specific going on in terms of bipolar or BPD or something and maybe you should think about pursuing that? Have you tried to bring it up and not got anywhere?

I know autism gets bandied around a lot nowadays but in fact many of the physical conditions you've mentioned are more common in autistic people.

Autistic people are also often misdiagnosed with BPD or other mental health problems, and frequently have difficulty with self harm (especially if undiagnosed).

Is this something you have considered?

Hi OP, it sounds hard. Sending hugs. Book a double slot with your GP and go and speak to them about how you feel and all your issues, I suspect that you have probably not been treated as a whole person, rather a bunch of ailments.
Some ailments may be stress related because of the other issues, so if you could get one thing under context it may help your other issues. I had stress related eczema for years for instance.
I know people who have been massively helped by CBT, have you tried it? If not ask your GP or you can self refer
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/overview/
Well done for reaching out.

Thank you yes @FloorWipes i have thought about both bipolar and BPD because have massively struggled with extreme mood swings for years. I’m under a psychiatrist (via the community perinatal team) and am seeing them again in July so hopefully will be able to discuss then.

yes @hullabaloney ive wondered about autism but I don’t know if that’s because there’s so much said about it these days. I really struggled at school as a teenager and generally, like really couldn’t cope with social situations, was completely mute at home, and actually as an adult I continue to not really “fit in”

thank you @Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight youee totally right in terms of never seeing a patient as a whole, that literally never happens as doctors just are interested in the one symptom/issue you’re presenting to them. Oh and yes I’ve been having weekly psychotherapy which incorporates CBT for about 6 years now

You probably know this but a lot of the conditions that you mentioned do tend to occur together. For example as you
mentioned hypermobility, this website outlines a lot of the conditions that frequently occur together with EDS and other hypermobility spectrum conditions www.ehlers-danlos.org/what-is-eds/information-on-eds/conditions-linked-to-eds/ for example. It’s a pretty similar list to what you are describing. You may well know this! I’m just suggesting maybe it could help in a way to think about it all as one underlying condition that you are living with - just unfortunately a condition that science doesn’t understand yet (and sadly that the NHS may not yet be treating in a very joined up way). However one day - and possibly quite soon - science will make a leap to properly connect the dots on all this stuff.

In terms or understanding how this links to neurodevelopmental and psychiatric conditions it seems like they are now beginning to ask the right questions, for example: www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.803898/full

I know none of this is that much use to treat your symptoms that are causing you such challenges day to day, but it shows that you are definitely not alone in this and people are working on it.

Also I think your kids will grow up learning of resilience, compassion and actually a lot of skills from their mum who is self managing all her health challenges.

Oh yes thank you @FloorWipes i definitely wonder if I have EDS as 5 members of my family have it too. But I’ve been on the waiting list for the EDS service at UCLH since 2020 so still waiting!