Marriage or baby

[Ellieselephant]

Posting for traffic and for real life stories of your choices and how it worked out please

I’m late 30s and would love another baby (have teens already) but I’m getting conscience of age and timing. I also have pcos and endo so I know it’s likely to be difficult. Dp and I have spoken about getting married and realistically I would love to do this first and have a baby after, but I’m not quite ready for the marriage stage (need to lose weight and would love a big white wedding which we would need to save for). This would push me into my early to mid 40s if we waited for marriage first, and then I know I’d want to enjoy married life before bringing a baby into the family. Having a baby now would be ideal but it would feel like I’ve taken a ‘short cut’ as such and May end up not marrying due to costs and delaying further. A lot of friends who had a baby then got engaged either didn’t bother marrying or had to wait years and felt like it was pointless, advising I marry first. Even overthinking tiny details like not being able to have date nights, honeymoon etc with a baby makes me second guess myself (we have no family so childcare isn’t possible). We both definitely want both but can’t decide in which order, I’m getting nervous about making a mistake and would appreciate some stories to reassure me of either side working out fine. Thanks

I'd be wanting marriage before I allowed him to impregnate me. Is he the father of our other 2?

Marriage always first. So many people don't bother after having a baby. Having a baby first will just make you feel even more that you are not ready for a wedding.

No he isn’t, I’m just scared of losing my chance to get pregnant before it’s too late.

Your question should be phrased as ‘wedding or baby’. You can get married very reasonably.

Personally I think you’re nuts to consider waiting until you are in your 40s to try for a baby. Of course it does happen but statistically it’s harder to conceive, you have a higher chance of miscarriage, higher chance foetal abnormalities etc.

I also don’t understand the point about wanting to enjoy being married for a while first. It’s the same as before!

I got married at 26, tried straight away and it took 4 years to have my DD. Fertility is so hard to predict.

I guess ask yourself how you would feel if you couldn’t have them. Would you regret not trying sooner?

Cheap wedding before the baby. I wouldn't hang around TTC with known fertility issues and I say that as someone who has been trying for a second child for 6 years now 41. If you delay it and can't get pregnant you will regret it.

I agree with pps. Marriage first. Why not have a simpler wedding ?

Yep, personally I'd ditch the big wedding, go for something simpler and then you can start TTC sooner.

I had both my babies in my mid thirties. Got engaged while pregnant with the first (we'd been together about 7 years by then), married just after baby's first birthday, second was born just over a year later. For us, being married didn't really change our relationship, so the concept of "enjoying married life" before having a baby is a bit lost on me - but we were together a long time before getting married and already had a baby by the time we did get married.

I always planned on marriage then kids, but we were stable in our relationship and on equal footing on finances (well, actually, I was the higher earner), and I didn't feel I needed marriage when we started trying for our first.

As pp has said, you can get married inexpensively at any time. Your biology means that waiting to have another baby is risky. Ultimately, you have to do what feels right for you and your relationship - but do think about how a baby outside of marriage will impact you financially.

Always marriage, don’t make the mistake far too many do

If you already live together then "married life" is exactly the same as pre married life in a day-to-day sense so there's not really any need to enjoy it for a long period after the wedding.

Personally I would go for cheaper wedding and then baby soon. Don't put it off, because it will be more difficult to conceive and I wouldn't want to miss out on the chance of a baby for a lifetime, just to wear a white dress for one day.

Marriage, 100%. You make yourself ridiculously vulnerable having a baby outside of marriage, you'd be a fool to consider it.

If you're dead set on a blowout wedding, save it for a couple of years after babies and get registry office married now.

Realistically the chance of having a healthy baby in your mid 40s with PCOS is very low.

Have a small ceremony first, have a baby then have a big celebration type thing later. One of my friends is doing that (without the baby) as they needed to get married quickly at the courthouse for personal reasons but is going to have a bigger wedding in a year or so.

OP, I think maybe you’re getting married for the wrong reasons if you want to look thinner and have a certain style wedding, more than you want to be wed. You can get married for £200, and you could be married this summer. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think if you want another baby, crack on and start trying ASAP given your age and health concerns

Thanks for replies, some mixed views, I’m glad it worked out for many of you. Of course I’m getting married for the right reasons, I’d do it in jeans but anywhere within miles is over £600 for a basic registery office if it was £200 I’d do it next week. I’ve become overweight from health problems and wouldn’t want that affecting my big day, it’s not a vain image thing it’s about wanting to be comfortable and healthy at my wedding and not look back at photos feeling ashamed of how I looked. As I said I’m not quite ready for marriage and if I was doing it for the wrong reasons I wouldn’t consider that factor. I’m going to book an appointment with my gp to talk about my fertility to try and make a more secure decision. Thanks all