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Anyone got any good idea to help teen DD??

18 replies

MrsLannister · 13/06/2022 13:31

DD14 is generally speaking doing ok. She is polite, can take her anywhere and has recently upped her game with studying and trying hard in school. She has many many wonderful points of which we are so proud. Great eh?

She also doesn’t have many friends. One that she meets up with outside school from time to time. She is extremely easily influenced and will become interested in things that people she likes enjoy purely to fit in with them - we’ve had the ‘goth’ phase, anime, video games etc All which were encouraged to a degree. She has fallen away from every single thing when the friendship cooled off. She can be a bit immature and says silly things that aren’t true and pretends she has fallen etc frequently. It’s really irritating and I have pointed out that when she is her ‘natural’ self there is no one I would rather be around but when she acts in this attention seeking way it will put people off her. She is also ridiculously lazy.

She has absolutely no interests of her own. Anything she’s ever shown the slightest interest in we have encouraged, helped to resource and generally gone out of our way to support. She always reverts to sitting around watching tv and playing on her phone. She has no social media after a terrible issue with it previously.

I just feel that if she had an interest it would take up more of her headspace and she wouldn't be sitting around moaning about how difficult her life is. Is this just normal teen behaviour? Should I let it go? I just want the best for her and can see how fulfilling a interest can be and how mental health is improved by distracting yourself through activity.

OP posts:
MrsLannister · 13/06/2022 14:29

Hopefully bumping

OP posts:
Yodaisawally · 13/06/2022 14:59

She sounds like me at that age, I was diagnosed as autistic at 45.

Sorry if wildly off the mark.

MrsLannister · 13/06/2022 15:09

Really appreciate you replying. See it’s reasons like this one that I posted to begin with. I’m worried I might be missing something and that ‘pulling her up by her bootstraps’ is the wrong approach.

I have no reason to believe she has any form of ASD but it’s interesting to consider and reflect on.

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Leeds2 · 13/06/2022 15:36

What does she do during school lunchtimes? Is she by herself, or with friends/other girls? Just wondering if she is any way lonely, so could be persuaded to join lunchtime clubs and do something/make friends. Maybe something computer based, film club, dance sort of thing.

MrsLannister · 13/06/2022 15:40

She spends lunch with a friend every day and she does seem to have acquaintances she can sit with also. I’m really pleased about this as for a while I was concerned she wouldn’t have anyone to sit with but she has one very good friend.

Thanks for your suggestions about clubs. There are several after school but none she would attend solo and her bestie already has several clubs and hobbies she attends. I want to kick her up the bum to go to something but at the same time don’t want to force it 😭😂

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Petronus · 13/06/2022 15:42

She sounds just like my primary dd who is being assessed for ASD. I’m not sure what to suggest, but I really understand why you/she is struggling.

Flakeymcwakey · 13/06/2022 15:43

Well, the encouraged and facilitated approach isn't massively helpful to this, just from your description. At her age, I experienced my parents' interest somewhat stulifying, even when their interest was supportive/ benign. I just always felt visible and as if I was being assessed. Am not sure what the answer is really but maybe she needs to define herself without your interest. Not sure how practical yhat is - I struggle with this myself as a parent

MrsLannister · 13/06/2022 15:56

That’s an interest point RE letting her define herself without my interest.

My fear is that left to her own devices (with regards to anything) she will not act. She will sit around more, she will speak about her problems less, she engage in family life less. When we encourage certain things she seems to blossom and become happier for a time until we back off crossing our fingers and everything reverts to type.

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CannaeRemember · 13/06/2022 16:05

I have a DD14 too so I empathise with the worry. How does your daughter feel herself about her lack of hobbies? Does she actually want a hobby/interest? And how does she feel about her friendships?

I probably worry more about my daughter's friendships than she does - she'll come home from school and tell me a big long story about being upset by something, which makes me anxious. But then I'll hear her up in her room hooting with laughter on a facetime call with her chums and I wonder why I expend the energy in worrying. It's a tricky life-stage. I do feel for you, OP.

Innocenta · 13/06/2022 16:22

What was the terrible issue with social media?

Pretending to fall as a way to seek attention is concerning. Does she ever feign illness?

MrsLannister · 13/06/2022 16:45

She doesn’t seem to have any interest in having a hobby or interest but is much lighter in mood when encouraged to do something other than screens. She is happy with the friendships she has but I think wishes sometimes she had other options as her best friend has a boyfriend now and sometimes chooses to hang out with him over DD. I think you are right, we worry more than them 😂 I sometimes wonder whether her moans and groans about school are highly exaggerated given how dramatic her age group can be!

She never feigns illness no, I can count on one hand the times she’s been off school sick. I don’t know if I’m explaining it very well, but she will trip up (as we all do) and then she will throw herself about to make it look funnier and laugh about it for ages afterwards. Or if she drops something that could easily be caught she lets it go on purpose to make it seem funnier.

The social media issue was very difficult. It involved her taking her ‘copying’ to extremes by harming herself as ‘everyone on TikTok was doing it’ ☹️

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SilverGlitterBaubles · 13/06/2022 17:51

Does it have to be a specific hobby or interest? At this age many teens who had hobbies or sporting interest actually stop. Could it just be taking some exercise, a walk, looking after a pet, time reading just having some screen free time every day and no phones in the bedroom at night would be good.

lifeturnsonadime · 13/06/2022 17:57

OP your daughter sounds a bit like my autistic daughter whose 13, although she does now have a fantastic sporting hobby which has taken her out of her bedroom.

Re. the falling, this may seem a bit off the wall but it could be sensory seeking if she is neuro diverse. My daughter crashes and falls about because it 'feels good'. Perhaps do some research on sensory seeking and see if it fits her behaviours.

frydae · 13/06/2022 18:05

I don't want to sound too much like I'm following others but when I was reading your post I was thinking 'is she happy without friends, does she want them or do you think she should have them?' The reason being I am also autistic and when I finally learned it was ok to be me o relaxed a lot.

CannaeRemember · 14/06/2022 10:00

To me, this sounds pretty normal - though I'm a mum of just the one, so my experience is limited. My DD does the 'over-acting' thing too, except in a different way, eg, she'll exaggerate her laughing when she/her friends are mucking about and it just sounds so forced and is intensely irritating. She has various after-school activities but she's been doing them for years and would definitely be reluctant to go along to a new activity by herself these days. Other than that, she's happy to loll around in her room watching programmes on her ipad.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/06/2022 10:15

Wow. Whatever she may have said she was not harming herself because “everyone else was doing it” that’s not how self harm works. That is her way of getting you off her back because either she cannot yet articulate the real reason, or it’s too painful to talk about. I think you need to take the pressure off her. Loads of 14 year olds don’t have specific interests. She is still learning who she is and it takes time. Describing her previous interests (goth, anime etc) as a phase is really not helpful. It’s like your telling her she is being fake. She’s not, she’s just trying different things on for size and seeing what fits. (You could just as easily describe the sitting around on her phone as a phase but you have chosen instead to regard this as a concern and worry she will get worse). Engage with her, invite her to participate in YOUR interests but stop forcing her to define herself at such a young age.

Innocenta · 14/06/2022 11:08

@Regularsizedrudy There definitely can be a social contagion element to self harm. It doesn't mean she had no real distress, but denying a social component isn't reflective of reality either.

Remmy123 · 14/06/2022 11:17

My son is 13 is popular in school but does nothing outside of school.

doesnt meet with friends
no hobbies
no interests

it worries me greatly but have a feeling it will change with maturity - he isn't interested in hanging out on the park with his mates or walking around town like mates do ...

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