Does anyone else just not really like being around other people?

[holeyhottub]

I'm happily married with three kids. Now the children are in school, I'm starting to notice that parents are forming friendship groups and we're not included, despite our kids being close friends. This doesn't bother me - I don't want to spend my weekends with people where the only thing we have in common is children the same age. But I feel like I'm doing my children a disservice. I speak to these parents on the school run and we sometimes chat on WhatsApp, but I don't particularly want anything more than that. There were attempts to include us at the start and whilst we've joined in with a few things, we've equally made excuses for others.

That's just the way I am and I'm happy that way. I don't have a best friend and I don't really feel the need to keep in touch with friends all the time like some people do, but I'll drop everything to help a friend if they need it.

But watching photos of yet another gathering pop up on social media has made me question whether there's something wrong with me to be this way and whether I should try and make more effort for the sake of my children? So far I don't think they're like me in this respect at all, and in fact one is quite the opposite, so I'm not necessarily worried it'll affect their friendships, more that perhaps it not fair of me to impose my own antisocial habits on them and deprive them of fun times with their mates.

Can anyone else relate?

I can't stand being around others. It's come to the point that everyone is more concerned about me not going out than i am. I love being home. ALONE. No noise. No people. No TV.

Yep me

I'm the same however I also have an only child so I've made a huge effort to join in. He's now 13 and the relief that he's off doing his own thing is immense! As you've got 3 DC I really wouldn't bother. Let your DC invite friends over as and when they want but I don't see any need for you to make friends with the parents.

I should also add that it all starts off lovely and social in year 1-3 then the cracks start to show, issues and drama start to happen. Stay well out of it.

You don't need to be friends with other parents to facilitate friendships for your children.
You do you.
I'm very selective with friends - I either love their company or I'm meh.
Rather have a few good friends I see infrequently than lots of acquaintances.

I don't spend time with other people just because they are parents but I've always made friends with people I like or have things in common with eg; hobbies, volunteering, sports clubs, Church etc ... there is a difference. I think it is possible to become socially isolated and think 'my little family' is enough when most of us benefit from some sort community involvement... how will you feel in the future when your DC have left home?

And if you like being 'alone' why are you so interested in knowing what goes happens on social media?

I'm the same and the older I get, the less I need people.

I enjoy spending time on my own and pottering, four years ago I moved to a different county and perhaps know half a dozen people, to pass the time of day with.

The new neighbours were keen to have us go to the pub with them, so glad we declined, they are nosy, he's commenty and they're pals with a Neanderthal that's on the parish council at least he was until he didn't get his own way and flounced off. Certainly dodged a bullet there.

My two oldest closest girlfriends - honestly, all the wonderful benefits of a sister without any of the family baggage.

i adore their company and their absence would be a big hole In my life

I flip flop. Sometimes I love being alone, but my friends and colleagues enrich my life so much so it’s worth nurturing friendships.

Often when I’m out socialising I have an urge to go home and be alone but make a conscious effort to socialise. By the end of the night I’m glad I did.

Life is a balance. Just find the right balance for you. Your kids will be fine either way. The only thing I would advise is to let them be themselves, invite friends over if they want to. But I don’t think you need to go out and find friends for them through other mums.

Me! I am a single parent, busy, people focused job and an introvert. I get enough interaction with the kids and colleagues that I find parent events just too much. I do make the effort for the kids sake but not if it’s just me. And that’s fine.

I do have friends from pre children days, went to a festival with them a few years ago with DD. She was shocked that mummy knew so many people and loved it. We’re going again this year having missed two due to Covid and she still talks about her friends from the last one! But literally seeing them for a long weekend once a year and chatting occasionally on social media is enough for me!

In what way are you depriving your kids of fun times with their mates? Is it that these get together include everyone’s children and so yours are missing out?

If so, I’ll be honest and say you should probably make a bit more effort for their sake. You don’t have to change your personality and go to every gathering but I think also you shouldn’t expect to have it all your own way, as it were, and never see anyone.

Me too. If I have a message inviting me to
something my first thought is 'How can I get out of this.'

I'm with you OP, the school run clan can get very intense, lots of drama and squabbling.

I have a few friends, they are calm, mildly chatty but happy in their own worlds so not endlessly demanding.

I have an only child too and I worry about not giving him enough social opportunities.

But I have a friend who has two ds, and a husband who organises endless events and parties, and yet she worries about her sons' social skills too. I think it's just a mum thing to do.

I find the problem is that groups of friends prefer you to be 'all in', i.e. fully involved. They aren't keen for you to dip in and out of the group, picking and choose which events you go to. They prefer you to go to all (or most) events, and to keep up-to-date with all goings-on within the group, with frequent contact. I don't have the energy for it and I don't enjoy it. I guess I'd be up for the ocassional chat on my own terms, as and when I choose for a short amount of time, but that's (understandably) not going to work. I prefer an in-depth chat with one person, in a more intimate setting rather than being in a loud group in a busy location where I can't keep up with the conversation flitting here there and everywhere.

So for this reason I have opted out of friendship groups, and there is nobody I interact with. My DC are in their mid teens. One is fairly sociable and meets up with friends often, the other is an introvert and prefers her own company (like me). Maybe they've missed out on some events (and fun) over the years, camping trips or meet-ups and days out with a big group of friends, but I can't force myself to enjoy something. I'd basically be spending a decade of my life doing things I really don't enjoy, and that's just not feasible.

Yes @Sharrowgirl , they all did something with the children yesterday. My gut reaction was that I was so glad not to have been invited because I would have hated it and would have been torn between wanted to make an excuse to say no and feeling like I should say yes for DC's sake.

@GoodVibesHere totally this. I'd be happy to dip in and out but it seems to be all or nothing.

The strange thing is that I know from conversations with some that they don't even like some of the others that much, but they've made this group and continue to to socialise all together despite that.

There's probably not enough information in your OP to say whether it is/will affect your DC. How old are your DC? Do they get invited to playdates and birthday parties? Do you invite their friends over for playdates and arrange birthday parties for them? You said you don't want to form friendships with people where the only thing you have in common is that you have children the same age. That's fair enough but do you have other friends in your life? Friends from where you grew up or from school or college or work? Do you have get togethers with them from time to time? I'm not talking about every weekend but maybe a get together at Christmas or a barbecue in the summer where you invite people over? If the answer to all/most of these questions is Yes, then I think everything sounds fine. If the answer is No, then I'd probably make more of an effort. I think it's good for DC to feel part of a social network even if it's not a social network where they live.

I wouldn't be overly concerned about forming friendships with the parents of your DCs' school friends. Friendship groups change over time so, even if you formed a friendship with your DCs' friends' parents, the DC themselves may not stay friends. I don't socialise with any of my DD's friends' parents although I'm closer to one of the mothers who also happens to be my neighbour. Our DDs have been friends since they were toddlers. She's lovely and we have a lot in common. I have the other mothers' phone numbers for arranging things and we'll have a quick chat if we're dropping off the kids to something or if we meet at a school event, but that's as far as it goes.

I was very involved with a local group at one stage and while I enjoyed the social side of it (and DD benefited from that too as there were lots of family friendly events), there was also a lot of conflict. Some of the members didn't get on with others and it was very hard not to get drawn into all of the drama and to stay neutral. So those happy gathering photos you see on social media don't always paint the full picture. The group in question has gone very quiet since Covid and I'm in two minds whether to go back to it, now that things are starting up again. It's a shame that a few people have to spoil things for everyone else.

Are you happy op? Happy marriage? Happy at work? Hobbies?

I relate completely. Get off social media it's causing you unnecessary worry and just keep being yourself and doing what makes you happy. That is all x

I take no pleasure in saying this but you did ask. I think you should try to get involved more, for the sake of your DC. It’s no fun as a kid missing out, cause your parent is a grump (sorry, but that’s how they would see it).

My parents had no social life and no friends when I was a child. None. I sort of resented them because I felt our home life was boring, we never did anything and I got out as fast as I could, when I was old enough.

Yep. I spend 9hrs a day at work on the phone to people. By Friday I am DONE and just want to not speak thank you!

I'm crave alone time sometimes but when I do get a few hours to myself I really miss others.
I think it's ok to spend time by yourself but I would suggest that friendships take effort. You shouldn't expect other people to do the inviting and organising all the time. If you want a busy social life (and that's an 'if') you have to put the effort in.

It’s ok to be an introvert. The only person I don’t find tiring is dh and I STILL need an hour on my own every day.

I can’t help it.

@Ohthatsexciting very happy, both at work and at home. I just don't want to be involved in these groups. I have other friends and I'm much the same with them, don't need to be in constant touch with them but we see each other for birthdays, Christmas, and probably a few other odd occasions throughout the year. They know what I'm like and have accepted it.

@Sharrowgirl they do plenty of activities with friends and go to play dates/ we have their friends round here. It's just solely the group things with families that we don't always go to. I don't always say no, but I certainly don't say yes to every event and I don't message the other mums for a chat unless I have cause to, so I can see they probably think I'm not as friendly as the rest of them, hence why we're not always invited.

The weird parent-friend cliques only really last to about half way through primary school, and are completely gone by secondary.