So, so lonely....How do people cope?

[Threebutterflies]

I’m just so lonely. Especially on a nice day like this when people are out having fun , bbqs with family , family pubs etc .
I have no friends and hardly and family. I have four children but not in contact with the older 2 . Live with the younger 2 but they never want to come out there rooms . I suggested a walk today and they said no. I suggested a pub for dinner tonight and they don’t want to go out. I have no friends to call and chat to or meet up for a drink.
I spend all my time alone in my living room . How do people cope being so alone ?

How old are your children you live with? I.e can they be left alone for a few hours if you started a new hobby to get you out of the house? What are your interests?

Hi good afternoon I read your message and I am so sorry your lonely and yes it is hard when no friends or you have kids I am lonely too not alot of friends see my kids occasionally but apart from that I am on my own anyway if you want to meet for a coffee or lunch some time as friends it don't need to involve romance unless it happens otherwise I am happy for the chat company and not being on your own pat xx

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone, I've been there and done that (didn't get the t-shirt though!)
Have a look at Meetup, I joined a walking club and a coffee club and met some really nice people through those groups. Do you have any hobbies? Knitting/crochet groups often meet in coffee shops, reading groups do too.
I hope you can find something that fits you.

I'm sorry you feel like this. Have you looked at local clubs/hobbies to help meet people? You won't get friends overnight but relationships tend to build over time.

I am part of a big crochet/knitting group (based in a city), the lady also runs an associated book club. I also play tennis and there is loads of opportunity to play socially and make friends. Even something like the gym/classes, it's good to go to something regularly and see the same faces.

I know it's hard, but you have to try to put yourself out there.

Why don’t you have contact with your older children?
How old are the younger 2? Not taking part in family life has never been an option in our house. Dinners, watching a film together occasionally, chatting about what’s happening in their lives and the wider world etc...as long as they didn’t have plans, they were mandatory!

Are there any groups you can get involved in locally? Do you have any hobbies?

The age of your kids is really significant here. Are we talking grumpy 16 year olds who can be happily left at home with their phones while you go out, or 12 year olds who need you to be there?

It isn’t easy, I do try and keep busy but I haven’t got a huge friendship circle and most friends are built with their own families. I’m a single mum of 2 teens but one is severely autistic which limits things a little. Evenings are lonely this time of year because it’s light for so long, I would love to be out doing things every day but I can’t leave dd2 unless dd1 looks after her (which she does occasionally).

I f your dc are old enough to look after themselves then maybe you can find a hobby or classes in the evenings/weekends?

The younger 2 are 10 and 13 . I have joined an art class once a week . I could look for a few more groups to join depending on cost . I think it just got me down today as it’s so nice and I can hear people enjoying themselves in the garden etc ! I’ve been on the odd date but never had a long term relationship. It’s just so depressing! It’s like an actual physical pain . That may sound ott but it’s honestly true. I just want a friend to talk to or any kind of company really .

The 'lady who runs...' is lovely, likes bellydance, has a husband who plays golf a lot and she does charity collections for a very worthwhile cause - I'm right there, aren't I? Bookclub also go to the cinema and have picnics. If I'm right, I went there for a while but I'm not good at social interaction so it wasn't working on either side and I dropped out. Went to roller derby with them once... great suggestion, I hope the OP finds something like that.

Other bookclub members mentioned yoga as a great activity.

For me, addressing 'loneliness' was (and sometimes still is) a matter of dealing with the inner self. Find mindfulness exercises on YouTube, read a lot of affirming memes and books, until you discover who you are when you're at peace in yourself.

And, post on mumsnet, of course.

At 10 and 13 I don't think you should be taking no for an answer really. Do they have phones or games consoles that they could 'earn' screen time on by participating in family life? Does their screen time have any limits? If so I would sit them down and explain that you've been thinking and want to help them develop some healthy habits. Start small, they can earn 2 hrs of screentime on weekends by joining a family activity in the morning. Familý activity could be a walk, baking, board game etc. Just get them into a habit of interacting with you more. Keep it fun. Once you get them a bit more compliant you can push it a bit more to meals out days out, holidays etc.

Also well done on starting an art class, continue to pursue activities for yourelf as well.

Other ideas....takeaway pizza / popcorn and movie night once a week. Games night - each can invite a friend and play board games together. You might even be able to invite another parent along.

For yourself maybe join a walking group.

Could you try volunteering? During the week if you have time, or at the weekend if not? Something like a food bank, or Park Run? You might be able to persuade the DC to come with you whilst you volunteer and do the Junior Run themselves! Charity shops need volunteers at the weekend too, or Home Start?

Night school type class? I think these are nowhere near as plentiful as they used to be, but there are still some classes available if you hunt them down.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Yes I was thinking about volunteering so will have a look into that . The thing is I can’t force my kids to do anything and they really don’t listen to me. My ten year old is extremely head strong and stubborn and my 13 year old son is taller than me and more like an 18 year old . Being a single mum and I’m quite shy and passive anyway they don’t take much notice of me. Then they know I have no family or friends to back me up so tend to just do what they like . I think it’s just being in here on my own hour after hour that gets to me .

@StopStartStop Yes! Small world!

You’re going to get lots of suggestions about local groups and hobbies and all the rest of it. All good advice but tends to
imply that you’re doing something wrong.

You’re not. It’s not you, it’s just circumstances. It sounds miserable, you are right to feel lonely and fed up and it sucks. I’m giving you permission to feel sorry for yourself for a little while (but then you have to go and do the other stuff!)

Lol yes I am feeling sorry for myself today . I will try and get out more but I don’t think it will be the same as the company I want . Unfortunately I’ve never had many friends as I’m rather unfortunate looking and it tends to put people off and I have been bullied a lot since school. I spose I just wanted to know how other lonely people cope.

Op if you are intimidated by your children and they don't listen to you that's quite concerning and you really need to get some help with that. I would suggest speaking to the designated safeguarding lead at their school to see who they can put you in touch with. You mention being bullied a lot in the past and being shy and passive, you might actually need some counselling to help you with your confidence and self image. It might be worth a chat with your gp too.

Ask your kids what they would like to do? The 10 year old almost certainly would like to go trampolining/cinema etc. Even the 13 year old might grace you with their company

For future reference, most kids will turn down a walk with their parent.

I remember times like this. The thing that really helped me was therapy as I could focus on becoming the kind of person I wanted and that led me to be more confident to join things, meet people, see them etc. It was expensive at the time and I had to sacrifice some stuff for it but I’d do it again 100 times over.