Do I really want to be a mum… ..

[LittleOwl2]

Hi Mums of the internet,

I’m trying to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I think I need some help, other perspectives, brains other than mine!

This is also my first ever netmums post and I’m really sorry if I get the abbreviations wrong! And I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this.

The big decision is to have kids or not. I’m 37, my DP is 35 (nearly, it’s his birthday in a month). We’re both in professional jobs, we own a house/are financially stable, we’ve had some amazing holidays & seen a lot of the world. DP and I have been together for about 12 years & it’s an easy comfy good relationship. Pre-DP, I’ve been to uni, enjoyed been single, been a bit naughty etc. We both have parents around, and DP has an enormous family (his parents both had kids before they met.. then met and added a few more). I have a younger sister, a relaxed dad and a desperate to be a grandma mother. And we have a little rescue dog, who is brilliant with kids (last family had small children.. shes clever, she knows kids have food)

Up until recently I didn’t really think about kids, or at least not seriously. I used to be very ‘if it happens it happens if not that’s ok’…but then… about 3 months ago it’s like someone injected me with something! Now I’m thinking I NEED a baby/child NOW…. I feel possessed!!… I have no idea what has prompted the change in me!

My DP is currently more confused by my sudden ‘possession’ than anything else - however he would be a good dad, and when we’ve spoken about kids in the past he’s really liked the idea of taking on the more of a role (Maybe splitting the ‘maternity’ 50/50 etc.).
He worries a about doing a good job, but he’s the same with our tomato plants!

When I think about kids I like them, they’re funny, innocent and interesting….. but I have no idea why I want my own. Logically, it makes no sense - I’ve encouraged enough kids to know it’s a lot of expensive hard often messy work! And my age is not at all helpful; I don’t want to create a new human on impulse, or due to a crazy possessive brain burp! The idea of having a child and resenting or regretting then is much more horrible then regretting not having them…. But!!! I’ve stopped the pill, I just can’t take it! I have started taking supplements ‘just in case’, it’s like I have a baby mad split personality! I’m swinging from logical me to crazy possessed me! .. but then I do appreciate it may not happen anyway due to my dusty old eggs! … I feel like I’m still me but have this overwhelming desire, possession is the best way I can explain it (I’m all logical brain and then, stop the pill!.. DP knows, I’m not as at risk of an on purpose accident as it reads!)

So….Anyone else had this happen to them? What did you do? How did it all work out? Any advice? I’ve tried to keep this post more light hearted but I do have some more serious thoughts about it all too…. It’s more or less all I can think about so all types of thoughts are bubbling around my head.

It’s honestly hard to say. Having children is utterly wonderful and yet sometimes crap at the same time. It depends on the temperament of your child but can be really easy and also horrifically hard.

You have no idea how you’ll feel until you actually have them and then it’s too late to give them back. It will change your relationship with your husband though, you have to be clear going in to it that you have the same vision and expectations.

I left it until mid 30s to have kids in the same way as you - established career etc. It made me think what’s the point of life, really, and having children gave me a lovely sense of purpose.

You need to discuss it at length with husband, also worth reading some of the threads here about best thing about children but also those who have regretted having them. Good luck.

This is also my first ever netmums post… And I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this

who’s gonna tell her

I'm not dissimilar - uni, fun in my 20s and some travel, professional career, finances sorted, "settled down" (married DH, bought house) age around 30 then at 33 suddenly decided it was time for kids. DH and i discussed it before marrying - how sensible - and it was always on the cards but we had not decided timing. But it suddenly felt right, and I ached to have a child. I had never more than vaguely wanted kids until this age - friends' kids and nephews were fun but I had only a slight pang/FOMO until this feeling just started to take over my brain.

You will get as many answers to your question as people you ask. And no one can tell you what will happen - will you conceive easily, will your pregnancy be easy, will you have awful PND, will your baby/child be healthy and will you find it easy to return to work if that's what you choose. And will your marriage be just as good afterwards.

Frankly mine isn't, but my DH is an amazing dad and having kids has been the most satisfying experience of my whole life. I wouldn't go back and do it differently. Plus, it has been lovely to see PIL and my mum enjoying grand parenting. The joy has not just been within my little nuclear family.

Life changes with kids but I have rediscovered so many simple pleasures, even "boring" swimming pool/beach holidays are now events I look forward to with so much excitement. Can't wait to show my kids the big wide world.

I don't think anything can prepare you for the utter exhaustion that accompanies having a small child so my last tip is: get fit! And DH too. Being fit for labour helps a lot, and you recover faster. Makes the baby/ toddler years a whole lot more fun.

I think you have felt the urgency in the last three months because of your age. If you feel that, then why not?!

Plus it sounds like you already trying by stopping contraception. It sounds like you have both made up your minds.

It took me til I was 47 to want to have a baby. I’m 5 month pregnant now and still think ‘am I ready?’, but like you, I’ve seen the world, done my partying and now see the ‘mummy’ part of my life as a new adventure. I’m looking forward to it, but also quite nervous! Fundamentally, I’m very happy that I have the chance to be a mum and experience all the highs and lows of parenthood. I don’t know what changed my very staunch ‘no children for me, thanks’ attitude, but I think when the urge strikes, its for a reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

We had talked about having kids for 18 months and then one day decided to see what happens and forgo the condom. I now have a 7 month old 🤣🤣 it's tough and wonderful all at the same time. Watching him learn new things and seeing how the small things make him happy is honestly just amazing. There are tough times too, teething is hard and when they refuse to sleep but are wrecked tired but I love having him in my life and it was definitely the best impulse decision we ever made 🤣

Thank you everyone.

I’ve calmed down a bit & feel like I’m more rational now. When I initially posted I was very much ‘gimme a baby now’ to ‘but I love my life!’.

The fact I’m older probably has made me think, but thinking about it there are some other influences. My new manager is 42 with a 2 year old (and teenagers!), she’s managed me for about a year now. My old manager didn’t have her own children. So that’s a shift in what I see. Also, this is long winded but, I have a dog. She’s a rescue & when we got her about 18 months ago she was hard work (scared of the world, not house trained, got overwhelmed easily and went loopy when she was…and it took ages for her to bond/fully trust us). Now she’s just amazing - housetrained, polite, brilliant with other dogs, better than me with kids. She has her quirks still, but they’re more funny than worrying (if she wants to play, she mooches over and cocks her leg up against you!! She doesn’t wee, but she’s somehow learned it’s a guarantee of human attention). I only really started to appreciate her about 6 months ago, and while a child and a dog are not the same I’ve pondered if the sense of pride and hard work paying off (and the acceptance of the caring responsibility/impact on my freedom etc) has helped trigger the ‘baby fever’.

I think the apprehension and not really thinking about kids until recently partly because I keep busy - I like holidays/going out places/my job!/exercise (incidentally, fancy machine at the gym said my biological age is 22! Sadly I doubt my eggs are aligned to that!). But also because over the last few years I’ve seen my mum getting upset and stressed with my 97year old grandma who has dementia. Up until 2-3 years ago it was hard to believe she was in her 90s. If I have a child, it’ll probably not have siblings given my age. My mum hates been an only child. So that worries me. Also, while I’ve never struggled too much with my mental health my sister does - when I was 16 I was the one who noticed she was self harming and making herself sick (she’s ok ish now, although I don’t think eating disorders ever fully go away… it’s not like people can avoid the trigger). I can’t stop the world, but I can’t help worrying about the next generation in the current world……. But then I could be massively over thinking!

At the moment, I want to let my body settle and we have to do some work on our house (messy building work) so I think I’ll just ponder kids, do research etc. (maybe read some more ‘worst bits’ stories & if they don’t put me off then that’s the answer.)

It sounds like your home life would be a wonderful environment for DC. Just go for it.