7 Yr old having horrible time at new school. How much can I expect ?

[waterrat]

Moved house. 7 year old has been at new school half a term and is v sad reporting children telling her to go away and not playing with her . She is now hiding in the library at playtime. I am so devastated for her she does struggle a bit with friendships generally but in her last school had a best friend and a wider group she was very happy with.

School seem kind and caring and have put her in a couple of organised activities to help but I just can't believe she can't have a bit more support at playtime.

Having complained twice and been promised lots of help she told me the next day she was alone at both playtimes.

So six weeks in and she is so demoralised by children telling her to go away that she has given up. I feel at 7 the school should try to ensure someone looks out for her now this has been weeks of sadness

Help! I feel absolutely tormented with guilt fir putting her in this horrible situation.

Could move schools but obviously not ideal and would take a few weeks to decide thst snywH and I don't want her to continue to suffer I'm worried its causing lasting damage

I'd get on and look at other schools whilst pondering.
Is she y2 or y3?
If a school you like has a space then apply and see if they will let her do a taster day.
Remember class size limit rules don't apply from y3 so schools may have more flexibility.

She's had friends before and school don't seem to be helping properly, so a move may well sort things.

Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like the school are going to help. Might be worth emailing asking what they have observed since you last went in. Also ask exactly what they have done to help her. I have always found having it is writing makes it easier for you to go back and show them exactly what they said and promised to do. It is also important to remember your child might not be remembering it exactly as it is we had a similar problem with our eldest everyday for months he said he had no one to play with and was quite upset about it, went into school and explained they observed him and said he seemed fine and playing with other children, he still kept reporting he had no one to play with, after lots of observations it turned out he ate his lunch quicker than friends so when he went to to play for about 5 mins with no one to play with, those few minutes were distressing him so what he remembered of the day.
As a teacher I have found that children who don’t blend in quickly with a new school tend to struggle long term, not always of course. Might be a good idea to look at schools as the school might just not be the right fit for your daughter.

Meant to say look at other schools.

I was at a conference this week and the speaker said that years 2 and 9 are the hardest to move in, due to how friendship groups form and the level of social development the kids are at.
No practical help, but hoping everything improves for your DD!

They need to arrange a little buddy group. Your poor daughter :(

Thsnks guys really appreciate all these thoughts.

@footiemum3 that is interesting I also suspect that a child who hasn't found a friend within a term is unlikely to then settle well. May just be an unlucky group and she hasn't got enough in common with any child

She is year 3 so one if the youngest which I think is a factor

@TeenPlusCat I didn't know that about class numbers.....

Obviously schools are constrained due to size of classrooms, and not being unmanageable to teach. However a couple of schools near me take 32 in y3-6.

If you wanted to move somewhere and they were full, you have more chance of winning an appeal for y3-6 than in KS1. You would however still need to show benefit to your child outweighs disadvantage to school.

I think you’ve done everything you possibly can. Friendships cannot be forced. There’s just no one at that school that is right for your DD. (You might have the same discussion btw when she is 15/16 and all her friends have a boyfriend but no boy in her school is interested in her. Of course swap boy for girl if your DD comes out as gay.) Doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with her or what she is doing, it’s just bad luck really. Make sure she understands it is luck of the draw as to whether a group of random people have anyone that is good friend material. So a new school means new people and chance there may be a child looking for someone just like her to be friends with.

So, I’d move schools tbh and at the new school sign her up for any after school activities they have that your DD is interested in that the school is linked to.

She’s more likely to make a friend at an activity (common interests, more relaxed environment) and then that will carry over into the school classroom as a friend for play time.

Thanks @Discovereads my worry about moving is thst she likes the school itself and teachers and how awful would I feel if she then struggled to settle again.

But I do basically think the same as you and if she is still in this position in July I will move her.

Organise forced play dates at your house with just one child at a time that's the normal way to deal with it

Can you invite kids over for playdates one by one (for you to suss out the kind/mean kids and their parents) or take your DD to any activities where there are other kids from the same class attending? If you're worried, but the school isn't doing enough, these actions will show your daughter there are multiple ways to make friends in and out of school.

My eldest is a similar age, and her best friend is in a different class so I make sure they have regular playdates and do a lot of trips in the holidays, then during term time they just get by with seeing each other on the walk to/from school.

You've still got lots of time for friendships to build.

Have you arranged play dates?

Also- are the school agreeing that she’s alone? My son will often say he’s played with nobody but I know this isn’t true. My friend was telling me about a situation where a girl had accused her DD and several others of leaving her out at lunchtime one day- but what had actually happened was that the ‘left out’ girl wanted the others to play x game. They wanted to play y game and said she’d have to play alone if she wanted to play it.

i’m sure you’ve explored this all already with the school, just wanted to mention it incase it’s not as bad as you think. Really hope she gets sorted.

Unfortunately I've tried to have playdates and the mums have said they are busy. Couple this with my daughter reporting children are unkind to her and she looks very anxious when I mention playdates sadly I don't think it's the answer.