Was I abused? (TW possible sexual abuse)

[amithinkingtoomuchintothis]

I had a very chaotic early childhood, my mum was in psychiatric units a lot, and there was domestic violence . We had constant social work involvement and we had ‘childminders’, support workers, etc - a lot of them, probably in excess of 20, from age 2-9 - sometimes all day, sometimes just for a few hours . In abs out of foster care a lot .

I’ve never accessed my social work records .

I accept that I was abused emotionally and neglected but I’m scared I was also sexually abused .

I was always very sore down below as a child and had constant thrush, and I remember being taken to the doctor and nurse a lot and them discussing whether I was being sexually abused . I remember my mum telling me that she thought I was being abused but the GP told her no way, she would have been able to see if I had been .

I was too aware of things too young . It was never followed up on .

I remember other things that make me think I was abused . I remember seeing one ‘childminder’s husband naked, and can’t figure out why . I also remember scrubbing myself with soap . There are a few innocuous things I am absolutely terrified of for no real reason which makes me think there’s a link . My relative told me that I told her something once that made her think I’d been abused .

There were never appropriate boundaries at home at all - but that was just accepted as normal/OK . My dad was always grabbing mum, and mum told me details of their sex life as I got older (marital rape), it was graphic details I couldn’t cope with .

In my teens I used compulsive masturbation a lot to the point of pain/injury . I’ve only ever discussed it with one GP who said there must have been a trigger. I look back now years later and worry a lot about it/feel really dirty, guilty . The GP said no guilt, she said it was things done to me by adults who should have cared for me .

My GP at present has said she would like me to try and approach the subject again in therapy, I don’t know if she knows all the details but she said psychosexual therapy will help me understand, accept and move on and has referred me on . It plays on my mind a lot.

Just thinking about it though has got me into a panic/dissociating and I’m not sure I can cope with talking about it to another person, and I’m not sure what to do .

I’ve got an appointment on the 13th July to see the therapist , but absolutely terrified of going.

I'm no expert at all but it sounds from the history you have given here that you may well have been. I'm sorry that you had such an awful childhood.

Sorry I don’t have any advice but didn’t want to read and run. I am so sorry that you suffered so much in your childhood and continue to have that doubt about what happened now.
Please know that whatever happened was not your responsibility at all. You were a child deserving of protection and whatever happened you were not looked after properly.
You might not want to on go to the therapy but these therapists have trained for years to do what they do. They will know how much is “too much” for one sessions and give you strategies for coping afterwards. I have not once met someone who regretted going to therapy.

That sounds incredibly difficult and traumatic. It sounds as though you probably were and it sounds like in your heart of hearts you know that to be true.

Do you have anyone in your life who can support you through this?

Sending hugs 💕

I haven’t discussed it with anyone no, just GP . I’m scared my family wouldn’t believe a word of it .

ir does have an effect on a day to day basis, I can’t cope with relationships, sex, I can’t cope with my body at all and hold a lot of shame .

I’m terrified of discussing it with the therapist in case it opens too much . I had an initial assessment over FaceTime with her (or whatever the nhs equivalent is) and she asked during that if I’d ever had non consensual sexual touching, but I said I wasn’t very sure .

Ive since done a degree and child protection and recognise red flags in my childhood, the way things were, what they’d probably call ‘problematic sexual behaviour’ now but the thought of trying to talk to someone about that is so scary .

The therapist will completely understand your terror. You could ask to maybe just email her first, or see her but talk about other bits of your life/anything you feel safe talking about, then see if you think you might be able to build up to discussing the more difficult issues.

It will be very hard to revisit these things particularly if your mind has blocked them out, but it will also be very very helpful and you will feel better afterwards.

Another approach might be to ask for something like art or music therapy which would help you to start to feel ready to face up to these issues. Much harder to get referred for though I think, but worth asking?

Do you know if you have any specialist services near where you live? If you're in London I can recommend Aurora Foundation .

It sounds as though you need some outside, specialist help and support to help you to gently unpack what happened to you.

I don't have personal experience but I am so, so sorry you went through - and are still going through - so much extreme trauma. I can't even imagine how horrific that must be for you.

Try not to focus on therapy just right now. Just focus on the assessment phase and nothing beyond that, although I appreciate that must be incredibly difficult to do.

I've had trauma counselling as well as other treatments including EMDR for different kinds of trauma from the ones you've experienced. What I will, gently, advise you is that with any kind of therapy, it is POSSIBLE that you might uncover or remember things things which haven't been apparent in your conscious memory. What I mean by that is if you were also abused sexually, some of those memories may be brought to the surface. If that happens, it might not even be during a session with a trained therapist. It may be later when you're cooking dinner or doing normal day to day stuff when you're not expecting or prepared for it. You would need a robust safety net to support you IF that were to happen.

I have PTSD from four different traumatic life events (witnessing a suicide, giving birth to stillborn twins, losing my son neonatally and spending five weeks in a medically induced coma for a medical problem, during which I had crippling terrifying nightmares which I wasn't able to wake up from). To this day, I still get flashbacks and memories which had previously been suppressed which pop to the surface occasionally - almost always out of nowhere - and I have to know how to deal with them.

I think whatever you decide to do, you will make the right choice for you. If you'd like to start therapy and see where it takes you, it would be a very brave and potentially cathartic step to take as long as you have a good support network and contingency plans in case it all gets too much. Equally if you decided not to have any treatment, there may be other avenues you may be able to explore when you are ready.

As others have said, whatever happened, you were just a little child and should have been protected from ALL forms of abuse and neglect. None of this was your fault and I hope you know that. The way you were treated by those who should have been protecting you was absolutely horrendous and unforgivable and I hope you are able to work through this in the safest way possible.

Sending you hugs and strength xx

My SA was nowhere near as serious or traumatic as what you went through as a child and I was an adult so there’s no comparison but I did have counseling and I can honestly say that it helped immensely. I did not want counseling and it really was a last resort after years of medication and two admissions to a Psychiatric Hospital. My counselor was wonderful and just talking to this kind stranger felt like a weight gradually lifting from my shoulders. It took a while and it was hard at times but as I began to trust her I felt able to say things I’d never said out loud before. I can’t really explain how it helped because I’m not sure myself but it sort of made me get my head around what had happened.
I know it’s hard and you’re dreading that appointment but please give it a go. I really hope it helps and that at the very least you find a little peace

Thank you

I think that’s what’s happening tonight, flashbacks . I keep remembering things I’d rather forget . I keep going over it all and then remembering something else . I don’t even know what happened totally . Just an instinct.

I’ve always been absolutely terrified of watching video cassettes and think there’s a link there . One of the carers definitely used
to stick videos on every time she came in .

I knew too much too young, feelings I shouldn’t have had at that age and I’ve no real idea where they came from . Probably no way of ever really finding out either .

I don’t know if the GP knows about the compulsive stuff, if it was mentioned in referral, it plays on my mind a lot for some reason, it must be in my medical notes somewhere but I always feel so ashamed when I think about it . I’m so scared to discuss it in case the therapist is judging me for it . Or in case they think I’m perverted or something .

I’m so sorry to read of the awful things you and everyone else here has been through too xxx

I am so sorry for everything that you have been through @amithinkingtoomuchintothis

I have no formal qualifications in mental health or abuse of any sort. So all I can give you is my instinctual response to your post.

I think I can understand your reluctance and fear of knowing the truth, because in some ways I have battled some fears of those sorts myself, but I don't think that my inner battles have ever been as hard as yours.

Anyway, I didn't know what advice I thought you should be given, until you said:

"it does have an effect on a day to day basis, I can't cope with relationships, sex, I can't cope with my body at all and hold a lot of shame"

Having read that sentence I don't think you have any choice but to have the appropriate counselling. That is no-way to
live, and I think you owe yourself the very good chance of being much, much, happier - you certainly deserve to be.

If for any reason your counselling does not go well, then please change counsellors, don't give up on having your life vastly improved. I am sending you lots of love and positive energies, and please believe me when I, and so many others on here, say that you didn't deserve any of the neglect and abuse that you know you got, and none that you might have quite likely got. I know you are strong enough to face whatever you have to in order to get better, and please come back for more support whenever you need it.

You've done so brilliantly in both speaking to your GP and posting on here.

I would say if you can slowly pick it apart with very good professional help then you might feel free-er in future.

I'm so sorry you had such a hideous time 😭 It sounds like no one was looking after you 😭.

Really hoping you can find some peace. Don't underestimate what a big step you've already taken!

I’m fortunate in having no words of advice for you. But you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be at peace with your past.

Huge sympathies, OP, for all you’ve gone through and are still going through. I don’t know much about the possibility of sexual abuse, and definitely think you should explore counselling and trauma help even if it feels difficult and terrifying. You can only gain support.

On a minor point - it is relatively normal for girls around 4-10 to experience frequent bouts of soreness down below without any sexual abuse - it’s called vulvovaginitis in children (you can look it up) and often occurs because young girls aren’t always careful about wiping when going to the loo, and can have easily irritated skin if using bubble baths, etc. and get very sore. My DD suffered from bouts of it because she wasn’t always careful about wiping; it stopped as she got a bit older and better able to look after her personal hygiene. It’s actually more common than thrush and very common.

So that in itself does not mean you were necessarily abused, though if you weren’t helped with hygiene and were generally not helped by a trusted adult who could look after you properly and ensure you were looking after yourself, that might have been a factor (though not necessarily). But it could well have been a source of shame if you felt you couldn’t tell an adult and that it was somehow your fault.

All of this doesn’t mean there was no potential abuse, but it’s worth bearing in mind that that isn’t the only reason why girls might have recurrent vulval soreness.

hugs OP xx