How easy is it to move in midlife?

[pastaparadise]

Dp wants to move. He says he hates where we live. He'd love to emigrate to Asia/ NZ, but if that's not possible, then at least move to other end of the country.

We currently live close to where I grew up. I have moved away when younger but moved back to the area approx 20 years ago.

Dc are settled in primary school, I have a fairly niche job I enjoy, and a few good friends. He is desperate to move. I don't like change, and feel.a move would be really stressful.

How easy is it to re settle in midlife? I feel it would be hard to make friends with older dc (less play dates), and lots of people have established friendships by mid life and don't go out of their way to make more. Dp is quite unsociable so doesn't really care about making friends the way I do.

The resentment is really eating away at him and has caused an issue between us for a while, but I feel really stressed by the prospect of moving.

Ted voice I'm afraid I wouldn't know Sir.

I’m interested in this too. We are considering moving area at secondary age for school reasons. But worried about making friends, stress of change etc just as you describe.

I don’t know the answer sorry.

We moved to Aus mid 40s BUT it was where DH and I met and lived briefly in our 20s and tbh I never wanted to leave but DH’s visa ran out so I was very happy when we could return. By that stage we had three kids. I absolutely love my life here but I hadn’t lived in the same country as my family for many years so that wasn’t a consideration which it is for a lot of people. It would have been easier to move earlier, I have made friends here but nothing like the friendships I made in England with little kids even though my youngest was only 4 when we arrived. We were lucky with housing, we managed to buy in a great area with the money we had from the sale of our English house, Sydney is not for the faint hearted these days. First thing is where could you move to? NZ is easier to get into than Aus but it is still a process. Where in Asia is your DH thinking about, are there jobs, could you get visas? Really it is something you both need to want, I know quite a few people here where the woman never settled and ended up going back to the UK, some men stayed behind, some reluctantly moved back. You need a strong relationship to thrive in a country where you are very much reliant on each other.

I have moved a lot in the last 20 years. I think a change of scenery always motivates me, however, reading your OP I'm going to say DON'T GO!

Your dh wants to move to Asia or NZ, why? They're two very different areas, what's he looking for?

You have to both really want the move, as it can be really hard work and until you make some friends, it will be just you and dh (and DC) for company.

My DH and I moved to Australia at 50+, but it was very special circumstances, so none of the moving/immigration hassles. I was up for it, though it meant giving up my job, though its not being niche meant I could find work easily.

Making new friends? Not so easy. My very sociable DH was really good at it and we had lots but I can tell you they fell away when DH died, despite my best efforts.

Your DP's scattergun ideas about moving sound as if he's not really thought it out. The grass is not greener, though I haven't any regrets.

His being a DP not a DH might complicate things.

We moved 200 miles away with 2 late primary age children. It was a no-brainer of a move for us - we knew the area well and were moving closer to family and some friends.

I hadn't realised quite how stressful it would be though - job changes for me and DP and new schools for both DC (they ended up in different ones. We couldn't have any guarantee on which school we got until we had an address) on top of all the stress of moving house was exhausting.

Older DD really missed her friends and struggled for a good 6 months. I missed the support network of having a community around me - not just friends, but acquaintances. We moved to a friendly place and I'm sure I will build up local friendships eventually, but with older dc I think you have to put lots more effort in to feel part of a community.

it took about a year before we were starting to feel normal again. That was with a move that I really wanted to do. I don't regret the move at all, but I can't imagine relocating without my heart being really in it. Children will settle eventually, but unless your children are really laid back and resilient be prepared for it to take some time.
And you should know the place you want to move to pretty well ideally.

Thanks all. I think a move to asia/ nz is out for me, as a parent is ill (long term) and I just couldn't bring myself to leave them, along with all the other stresses.

Even moving across the UK scares me tbh. I would be nearer some family and could potentially move df with us, which I couldn't do if emigrating.

Its an area I like the sound of, but don't know well at all so there's a fear of the unknown/ how to find schools/ narrow an area down etc. Oldest dc struggles with change so I think it would be hard for her especially. I can't imagine not having any connection or roots or friends in a place at my age.

In terms of a move I think dp clearly wants a change, but I still don't really understand why he's so unhappy where we are and what the draw of the other place is. I think I'd be really lonely with only him at the moment as this issue is really taking a toll on our relationship and has done for some time. But staying put might mean the end of our relationship which I don't want either. I feel.so stuck.

I have moved every 4-5 years since I was mid-teens, and I absolutely love moving and need a change every few years. Not everyone is like that though, and it really does not sound like you are one of them. I can sympathise with your DP, as I would feel completely trapped if I was unable to move every so often, and I have been lucky to have kids who are the same as me and a DH who is also a bit of a nomad.

Having said that, moving abroad is a lot easier when it comes to making new friends than moving within the country. You will have expat groups to join, and the people you meet there won't have family around either so you sort of become each others family which is lovely. The hardest move I have made when it comes to making friends was when we moved within the UK, and the kids were already secondary age. I have been where we are now in the UK for five years, and I am now on my way back home to Sweden after decades abroad, just waiting for my youngest to finish his A-levels in a couple of weeks. What I have found hardest where we are is that most people here have lived here all their lives, they have their childhood friends nearby, their parents, siblings etc. They don't actually have time or the need for new friends, and they have never left so they don't know what it is like for people who move in and don't know anyone. I had a completely different experience in London where I lived before and where I made loads of friends straight away.