Should I change DDs school or hope things get better

[Notquitesure21]

I’ve posted before under a different username. My DD started Year 7 in September with one girl from her primary school in her form.

This girl has made a lot of new friends and although not deliberately excluding DD, DD feels she is not part of this new group and is now in the awful situation of spending breaks and lunches on her own.

Yesterday she got home and was very upset as she spent the day alone and more upsetting, sat in the toilets for the whole of lunch.

Over the past three months I have emailed pastoral support, spoken to the pastoral support lady and even had a meeting in school. At the meeting the school promised lots of things - arranging a meeting with other year 7 girls in a similar position (apparently there are lots also struggling although none in my DDs form). They suggested finding DD a mentor or buddy and the Learning leader said she would take DD to some lunchtime clubs.

None of this has happened. It’s like the school genuinely do not care. Despite me explaining how this is affecting my DDs mental health, how she cries at night and on the walk to school, how there is nowhere for DD to go ( the school has no library) and they’re not allowed to sit in their form room during breaks hence DD sitting in the toilets.

in desperation I have emailed the pastoral team this morning saying I need some support put in place. Another issue is that DDs form teacher appears minutes before the end of form time so DD has about 20 minutes when everyone else in her form seems to be chatting with friends whilst DD has no one to talk to.

DD had friends in primary school but it just seems with the transition to a large all girls school full of confident girls (grammmar school) she just can’t cope as she is so shy.

Im now wondering if I should try and send her to the local mixed comprehensive. I just don’t think her current school seem to care enough to help DD. I have friends who have kids at the local comp and they say the pastoral care is really good. Just not sure what to do for the best.

For comparison, our large comprehensive has a pupil support unit - with support staff for each year group, a staffed library and an inclusion unit providing individual support for children at risk of exclusion. They also have invite only clubs at lunch times and after school in addition to the normal extra curricular clubs.

The move to secondary did not go smoothly for our daughter, then COVID hit causing more problems. She has however had lots of support and is now doing far better both socially and academically.

My dd is in year 7 at a girls school and is also struggling a bit. There are some very feisty girls in her form who are driving her mad. She does have some friends but they are all in a different form, so I am hoping things will get easier for her when they stream them in year 8.

If I were in your shoes I think I would hold out to see how things pan out in the first half term of year 8 - see if things settle for her once they're mixed up a bit more. I would also keep pushing the school for a plan that they will actually stick to.

DS started secondary this year at the local comp which has a reputation for strong SEN support. We chose it for those reasons. He struggled socially at primary and never found his tribe, his mental health was badly impacted and we were worried he'd be in a similar position to your DD.

He has settled very well. He was lucky to meet a new group of kids he clicked with early on, but I believe he only met those kids because the school go to great lengths - both across the cohort and on an individual level - to really help the kids socially.

They thoroughly mix the classes across the year, teachers accompany nervous kids to clubs they want to try, they run friend-finder sessions, the extra curricular offer is extensive, the library runs board game groups, book clubs, gardening club, they have a 'place to talk' hub at lunch where kids feeling wobbly can hang out.

This is a bog standard inner city London comp, they don't have huge amounts of resource but they go above and beyond on pastoral care. I've no idea what your local alternatives are and obviously you'd need to investigate, but if her current school haven't pulled their finger out by now, I'd wonder, when will they?

My DS was miserable at primary and I underestimated how much of it was due to the lack of support school gave him. Now I've experienced the alternative I wish I'd moved him at primary.

It's amazing she got into the grammar with no support it won't matter how bright she is if she's miserable.

I would push school for answers and timescales on what they are going to do and I would have frank conversations with alternative schools at the same time and ask them for specifics about how they would help her settle as a new joiner.

Sorry for the essay, but I feel your pain, there's nothing worse than when your child is struggling and no one seems to care :( Sending unmumsnetty hugs xx