WWYD - 14YO DD sleepover

[LimeHotWaterBottle]

DD is 14, soon to be 15, and in Y10. She has recently made a friend at another school, slightly older but same school year. DD may or may not be gay. DD's friend is gay. DD is quite taken by this new friendship, so her dad and I suspect that there might be more than just friendship.

DD has asked to go to her place for a sleepover. If it was a boy it would be a no.

I am interested in learning people's thoughts and opinions on the matter as I genuinely don't know how to feel about this. Please be nice. TIA

I've been in this situation. I allowed it. I was always worried about teenage pregnancy so no sleepovers with boys ( or boys in the bedroom) until over 16.

No pregnancy risk, so I'd allow it.

Would you have allowed her if her friend was heterosexual?
I assume the hard no on a boy would be that you are concerned she would have sex & get pregnant? Obviously that wouldn't happen with another female should they engage in sex.
Male/female/gay/straight or anything inbetween, if teenagers are going to engage in sexual behaviours they will.
I would be inclined to let her go (obviously you know your child best)

I don't think I'd be facilitating my child entering a sexual relationship at this age, although the risks are obviously lower if they're both girls. What is she, year 9?

If your relationship allows it, I'd try to have an open conversation with her about her relationship with this girl - friends or more?

Sorry I don't think my post is clear at all now that I am re-reading it. The friend in question is female. So yes, still definitely no risk of pregnancy, but I am not sure how to feel about a sleepover if they're attracted to one another, which I believe they are.

Two females, both in Year 10

I'd say no. The risk with any sexual relationship isn't just pregnancy and STDs, it can have an intense emotional impact too. I wouldn't let my underage DC stay with a boy or girl that I thought they had a crush on.

@DaisyQuakeJohnson that's also my feeling but how do I navigate this when DD hasn't 'come out' to us as such, and she doesn't know that we know her friend is gay? We know from her social media and mutual friends.

I’d just be very upfront and ask her if she sees her as more than a friend? Then I’d sit down and say you’re worried about the emotional impact of a relationship at this age.
to be honest, if they want to sleep together they will, regardless of what you do.
keeping lines of communication open is important

Hmm tricky - I agree that it's not just the pregnancy risk, I think Y10 is still pretty young for sexual activity of any kind. Also agree that ideally a conversation is the best route. Regardless of whether she's come out, you could still have a general conversation about sex being for later - I think these days people don't assume heterosexuality so could it just be a "do you think x is just a friend or do you think maybe it might be a different kind of relationship? have you thought about how that might pan out if you're sharing a room for the night etc?"

Ah xpost with @DSGR who has put it far more succinctly!

Sex happens regardless of sleepovers however the worry is with sleepovers is that they feel trapped and then do more than they might have wanted to do if they felt they could walk home.

Depending on your relationship with your DD (and her emotional maturity and robustness) either have an honest conversation with her about relationships and why you're not going to facilitate a possible underage sexual relationship. I'd start from the basis that you do know her friend is gay. You don't need to explain why or how. That would be an easy diversion to fall down.

Or if you think your DD isn't ready for that type of conversation then just have reasons to delay and refuse the sleepover eg we don't know your friend well enough; we don't know her family; we have all these alternative arrangements so are too busy for a sleepover; we're still concerned about Covid risk, etc,etc.

Depends on your DD, she may be feeling pressured and as such a mum saying no takes it out of her hands.

Id be asking questions.

I have a dd14 and it would be a no from me, and a very frank and open conversation as to why. I would say to dd that you believe her friend to be gay and that it could be confusing/tricky and awkward for dd on a sleepover.
The reason would be that she could feel very compromised and it would be better for her to wait until she is a little older.

Instead I would invite the friend to your house, make them dinner - better still they can make dinner themselves, watch a film etc and you can observe the interaction discreetly. Suggest shopping/days out/swimming/sports etc instead, encourage the friendship if your dd likes her but you don't need to facilitate sleepovers etc.

It could be they are gay and are not together, but good friends confiding in each other. At 14 she is still so young and working out who she is, I would apply the same answer to a boy. Protecting their early experiences is important.

Just to add, something similar happened with my friend's DSIS at around the same age.
Her DSIS hadn't come out yet but her best friend had. They arranged a sleepover and it all became a bit overwhelming. Her DSIS ended up calling in tears during the night to be taken home. It ended the friendship between the two girls in the worst way possible. I know my friend's parents felt bad that they hadn't realised how that type of situation could be so very difficult to navigate at that age.

Thank you everyone. I know my DD will be extremely upset and will fight this. She will then probably sulk and be moody. We just need to ride it, don't we?

Agree and I'd be the exact same way. Her friends sexuality is equivalent as her being a heterosexual male and I wouldn't let a 14/15 have a sleep over with a hetero boy so I will not let them sleep over with a lesbian friend.

Yes, I think you probably do. It will be a bit painful in the short term but you're protecting her and her friend ultimately, and possibly making it more likely that they can have a longer term friendship. You're not saying she can't see this friend just exploring the possibility that it might be complicated and therefore worth taking slowly

Op she is under age, it would be irresponsible to allow this. Teens need to know they have someone looking out for them, there are boundaries and they are safe.
You are keeping her safe, not depriving her. Ask her what else she would like to do instead?
Two girls started a relationship in dd's year and it has caused no end of problems and dramas. Parents were not aware of what was happening. One had to be homeschooled for a few months due to self harm when they broke up, and both have MH issues, I dont think getting involved so early helped at all.
I would be wary, and ask her to take her time in all relationships at this age. A few years makes all the difference in terms of maturity.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your answers. I am going back to my usual username now but I wanted to say thank you first.

Lime can you update, I'm in similar position.

@LimeHotWaterBottle or pm me

Op I was in this situation but dd was openly in a romantic relationship with another girl who was invited to another friends sleep over. I said no & explained exactly why. She was confused as was adamant that nothing untoward would happen but I stuck to my guns. Not too long after the relationship ended, not my dd's decision & I still wonder if it was because she wasn't allowed to go on sleepovers with her. Her parents were either unaware of the situation or weren't bothered!

I'm back. @Ithoughtsummerwascoming the conversation hasn't happened yet, which I am pleased about as she has exams this week. Her dad and I won't raise it until she does. I'll update everyone when we have the conversation.