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Friends and birthday-I've accepted it as no big deal but DP is annoyed and thinks I should be too.

16 replies

SeriousAlligator · 06/06/2022 16:16

To start with I am a bit 'anhedonic' if you will. I very rarely get excited or happy about anything, I am generally happy and content, it is more so that I don't experience high emotions very often. I think this is a product of my past-which hasn't been atrocious or anything but I think I've just switched emotional highs and lows off.

Anyway about 5 weeks ago I started organising my birthday which is a milestone one next month. I have hired an act at my local pub, and I've invited 5 friends along with family and my partners close family/friends. I live a long way from a lot of friends as I moved last year, so it isn't going to be a lot of people, but that I understood.

My closest and longest-term friend is a man, and he has a girlfriend of two years who I love to bits, we get on very well, are close, we've actually known one another a long time too but not been close friends until he got with her and the four of us began spending time together.

5 weeks ago they visited and I invited them to this night out for my birthday They live about an hours drive away and visit quite often. They both said they'd definitely come, they love the act I've put on, they seemed excited about it even.

The pub have said they'll reserve seats near the act for me and my friends/family and I had a msg recently asking how many. I have a group chat with close friend/girlfriend, DP and a couple of others and of this couple of others, one of them had asked could he bring another friend too, I know her and said yes but wasn't sure if she'd confirmed, so I went onto the group chat once the pub had asked and asked was Mildred coming too.

They replied saying yes she was. But then close man friend responded 'Where, when what?!' and then his girlfriend responded 'Ah crap, that's my weekend at work!' (She works in a dentist and does one weekend per month).

I responded to my male friend 'My birthday?(Date//venue)?' he said 'Ah okay!'

I asked was he still coming? No response as of yet-this was day before yesterday.
DP then messaged me saying 'You definitely told them both and they both said they were coming, I think that's really horrid of them!'

I will have to ring man friend to ask, as he's still not said anything even after I asked again saying the pub wanted to know.

DP is really annoyed with them both on my behalf.

I think perhaps It's a bit different for me than for DP as I have always been a bit of a lone wolf, although I do have a lot of friends, I don't expect them to put themselves out for me, we don't speak all the time or live in one another's pockets so to speak, whereas DP has a large group of friends who get together for events/drinks/whatever every weekend without fail and know the ins and outs of one another's lives and speak daily.

I am not sure if I should be upset by this. I know the MN thing of birthdays too-adults' birthdays just aren't so important and I do agree, I think It's more for me that it is a 'big' one and they both confirmed, knew the date and what was happening for it and it seems to be just a thing they've forgotten all about and were surprised when I asked about it, don't expect me to be bothered etc. Would it bother you, should I be saying I'm disappointed?

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EarringsandLipstick · 06/06/2022 16:33

You're definitely not wrong to be disappointed and I would tell them so, say they committed to coming & you'd like them there.

I don't think it has to be a big row or anything but would say something.

SeriousAlligator · 06/06/2022 16:33

I also guess he might not want to come if his girlfriend isn't, thinking about it-although he has visited alone before when she's not been available (I/We visit them too alone or together, it isn't one-sided).

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SeriousAlligator · 06/06/2022 16:47

Thanks@EarringsandLipstick
Yes I will say something. I guess not in the group chat but to my friend when I speak to him. I seldom organise anything 'for me' so I wasn't sure, in fact I can't remember the last time I did.
I was at his same milestone birthday a few years ago.

I am a bit embarrassed that it was the group chat too if I am honest-and perhaps other friends won't want to come as much now, as usually at any event we're all together and that's part of the fun for us all. I didn't expect them to drop out at all, if anyone I'd have thought the other three who aren't as close. Ah well, if it is just me and DPs friends and a few family members it'll be a different sort of night than I thought that's all.

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Dacquoise · 06/06/2022 17:08

So your 'friends' who you specifically invited to your big birthday event are trying to gadlight you into believing they don't know about it and are now leaving you to chase them down about whether they are going to attend (unlikely)? That's completely inconsiderate and rude behaviour.

Even if you don't 'feel' upset I think this needs to be challenged to stop them thinking it's okay to treat you this way. Doesn't have to be explosive but if you let it go, and they probably know you're unlikely to make a fuss so are trying it on, this will continue and worse. They're CFs.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/06/2022 17:14

So your 'friends' who you specifically invited to your big birthday event are trying to gadlight you into believing they don't know about it and are now leaving you to chase them down about whether they are going to attend (unlikely)?

That's very dramatic - and also an incorrect use of the term 'gaslighting'.

More likely, the couple said yes, but didn't click that she was working & which weekend it was.

It doesn't make it ok - it's still inconsiderate behaviour. And I still think saying so, calmly, to the friend is correct. But it doesn't need to be so dramatic.

SeriousAlligator · 06/06/2022 17:15

It does feel a bit 'gaslighty' @Dacquoise , it left me thinking, 'I am sure I told them but perhaps I'm mistaken, life's busy, perhaps I didn't or wasn't clear?'

But DP says we definitely discussed it and they confirmed they'd both come, which I did know but I was doubting myself.

I am paying half for the act and the pub are paying the other half- which DP says they also know about, It's not cheap, I mean not extortionate but along the lines of it isn't just as if I've casually invited them for a few drinks down the pub or such, It's a properly organised thing which they also knew about.
First World Problem, of course :)

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SeriousAlligator · 06/06/2022 17:16

I will be calm, definitely! I am not a shouty or confrontational person. But I will let them know I am not happy at them.

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DirtyteaCup · 06/06/2022 17:23

Are acts usual in the pub?
it would empty most pubs I go to

SeriousAlligator · 06/06/2022 17:25

@DirtyteaCup it is always absolutely packed when this act is on as it has a lot of followers. It's usually once or twice a year.

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Dacquoise · 06/06/2022 17:28

@SeriousAlligator , I am with your DP on this. They're trying to put the blame on you not telling them, which has made you doubt yourself, instead of backing out for whatever their reasons are. Not nice.

I had someone who would make arrangements with me and then make a point of telling me about her plans with other people on the same dates. I thought it was my mistake. It took about three occasions before I clicked what she was doing!

Swayingpalmtrees · 06/06/2022 19:02

I would invite other good friends and step back for a while, they are treating you very well at all.

Swayingpalmtrees · 06/06/2022 19:03

**Not

SeriousAlligator · 06/06/2022 19:18

@Dacquoise that is a horrible thing to do, did you say something?
I had a friend cancel a wine and Crisps type meet up once because she 'didn't feel well' and then she posted on sm the following day on a day out with other friends. Just why lie?!

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Dacquoise · 06/06/2022 19:41

I did pull her up on it and she didn't try it again. However she did various other selfish things that eventually killed the friendship. I would be very wary of people who pull this manipulative crap. They're not to be trusted.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/06/2022 19:48

Tell your friend that you absolutely did invite them and they said yes and DH has confirmed this so the mix-up on dates is not down to you. It's a shame they can't come, as you've gone to some trouble and expense to entertain everyone, but you are really looking forward to celebrating and hope they too have a good weekend.
Hopefully, they will at least send a nice card.
Then forget all about it and go and enjoy your birthday with the people who do want to be there.
It sounds like a lovely way to spend your birthday and I hope you have a great time.

SeriousAlligator · 07/06/2022 12:00

Thankyou @DuckbilledSplatterPuff (that username! Grin I will.

I've spoken to male friend now. He was quite blasé about it. I said so are you definitely coming? 'Er yeh, I don't think I've got anything else arranged but as long as I haven't...' I said he has to tell me as I need to reserve seats and also, I have a sofa bed and a spare room which I can offer to others if he isn't coming and isn't staying! It's not one of those turn up or don't turn up sort of things! I did tell him they definitely both committed, he knew I wasn't happy.

But he says he will now. I'm going to see if anyone else wants the spare room/sofa bed however. He can sleep on the sofa given he's by himself. In fairness, he won't mind at all.

Thank you all for clarifying for me.

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