Are they being flaky or am I?

[mrsnec]

Another one about struggling to make friends so apologies in advance.

Background info, I came back to the UK last year after 10 years abroad. Messy divorce, felt lonely and isolated, self esteem on the floor. Thought about reconnecting with old friends etc, posted on here about it. Decided to park that idea and concentrate on building my new life here.

I'm happy and I love it but I'm still unable to connect with anyone. I have opportunities that don't seem to progress and I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

Examples, before Xmas a neighbour asked me in for a drink. I was having a bad day and asked if we could do it another time. I put a Xmas card through the door with my number in it saying can we do that drink sometime and it never happened. We have small talk when we put the bins out but that's it.

The other day I got chatting to a family at a bus stop. Our son's recognised each other from school. The boy's mum said she was on the PTA. They were desperate for people to join and would I come to the meeting. I said yes, she took my number and FB, checked they worked. The meeting has been and gone and I never heard from her.

Also last week some other neighbours set up a group for our street. They were wanting to arrange a jubilee party. I posted that I would be away for 1 night but if I was back on time I'd love to join in and happy to contribute food and drink. Post got a few likes, nothing was said about date and time of party. Not sure it went ahead.

So I'm feeling a bit like I've had some missed opportunities but I've not been following up on things because I don't want to come across as intense or OTT. I also don't take rejection very well and it's been hard for me to put myself out there. Probably just over-thinking but I'm interested to hear what people make of this. Perhaps it's the way of the world these days.

In the examples you've given, it sounds like you're holding back a bit too much, waiting for others to organise things. Imagine if everyone did this, no one would ever meet up or do anything.

How about inviting some neighbours/anyone you like round for belated 'Jubilee' tea & cake? Keep it simple and see how it goes?

Just to add, you might get more replies if you ask MN to move this to Relationships.

In those situations I would have got in touch with specific offers and times available or asked when the meeting was etc

I would have asked at the school when the PTA meeting was if you really wanted to join-sometimes you just need to ask.

I didn't think it was down to me to chase for dates and times.

I felt like I was waiting for them to contact me. PTA woman couldn't remember when and where meeting was. Said she'd call me but didn't. I wasn't actively looking to join it. She seemed nice and made it sound like something I'd enjoy though.

Re jubilee party, I tried to direct message the guy who set up the group to suggest a time for party but he'd changed his privacy settings and I didn't want to step on anyone's toes but bit wierd to set up a group for an event and not specify a date or time.

But yes I can organise something at a later date and accept I could do with being a bit more proactive.

So do you want to join the PTA or not? If you do, ring the school now and ask how to get involved.

I didn't think it was down to me to chase for dates and times.

Fair enough, you really don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

I'm afraid, though, that I would see no difference between how you responded in the examples you gave and how someone who didn't want to get involved would have responded.

If you really do want a wider circle of friends, then maybe being prepared to try a bit harder to follow up and out yourself out there might work for you.

I've moved countries a few times snd had to work extra hard to find good friends again.

Volunteering (ring the school and ask about the PTA), inviting anyone you meet for a casual coffee and yes, organising things snd inviting 'anyone interested' to join sometimes work.

Other times, people can be put off by someone being too pushy so it's not easy to strike the balance.

Saying it's not up to you to make the effort just seems a tad sad to me.

If you’re struggling to make friends, saying that it’s ‘not up to you to make the effort’ seems rather counter-productive.. It’s nobody else’s role here.

1. Next time you see your neighbour, invite them in for a drink.

1. PTA meetings usually widely promoted on school newsletters. Or phone school. I can imagine summer fair is coming up and lots of help needed!

1. Ask your neighbour - the one you're having a drink with - what happened to the jubilee party. If it didn't happen, ask on group chat and organise a mini one.

Although I know its not easy to put yourself out there!

1. Next time you see the neighbour ask them round for a drink

1. PTA is open to anyone, just ring school and ask when the next meeting is. Not the woman's responsibility to track you down, be more proactive.

1. The street party probably didn't go ahead if dates/times weren't pinned down, sounds like it was a last minute idea that got scrapped.

In this example:

I was having a bad day and asked if we could do it another time

And this one:

I posted that I would be away for 1 night but if I was back on time I'd love to join in

it could easily come across like you're giving them the brush off / feigning interest just to be polite. So I'm not surprised they didn't get back to you.

You may be scared of rejection, but you need to put yourself out there a bit more if you want to actually make friends.

You mention that you don't take rejection well, now put yourself in your neighbours shoes. She invited you in for a drink and you said no not today. Maybe she doesn't cope with rejection either. Yes you put a card through her door but now you are waiting for her to invite you again. You need to invite her somewhere in person.

The PTA lady might just be busy and disorganised. She probably thought you'd persue it by ringing the school and asming for the date and time, or getting contact details for whoever organises the PTA....which is what you need to do if you want to join.

With the Jubilee party it is likely ot didn't go ahead if there were no more posts. Obviously everyone else, like you, was waiting for someone to organise something.

Op to be honest where you are going wrong expecting someone else to organise your social life for you. You need to invite people to events, you need to get involved in orgnanising parties, you need to be proactive about joining groups. Of course there will be rejections, people that can't make it, people you don'f get on with but you won't make any good friends unless you start exposing yourself to a lot more people. Be more assertive.....it's not pushy or bossy, just assertive.