I've been around here a while, have posted about other issues under different names, but this is the only place that I feel I can come to perhaps try and process this anonymously.
I'm reading "The Body Keeps The Score" at the moment as it's helping me make sense of (confirmed) early trauma in my life that has perhaps led to issues that either are, or present very similarly to ADHD along with all the usual smorgasbord of depression, anxiety and self loathing that dog so many of us.
Last night, while reading the book, something flashed me back to a sleepover at a cousins house, I would have been 8-9 he would have been 11-12 (possibly a year or two variance on that).
I remember lying tucked up in the bottom bunk, lights still on as he got undressed, as he got down to shirt and y-fronts he started to walk over and stared at me, slowly unbuttoning his shirt and rotating his hips and asking "do you think this is sexy?" Repeatedly. I didn't know what that was supposed to mean and I remember being increasingly uncomfortable as he got closer and closer, I think he then climbed on top of the duvet and gyrated over me.
After that I can't remember, but I'm sitting here aged 45 at my breakfast table feeling nauseous with my shoulders up by my ears with tension as I type. I also have a very distinct memory of the feeling of strong fingers with scraping nails trying to penetrate me anally but I can't be sure that the two are connected. I honestly don't know what to do now. He's a doctor these days, had, in some ways a difficult childhood and now I think about it was always looking to dominate me and my sibling as we grew up, possibly as a way of control. I've no idea to be honest. Not even sure what's real.
Thanks for reading. 45m husband to an amazing wife and father to two children, all of whom deserve better.