How do I change my lonely life?

[Haroted]

Just that really…

My life is very lonely, I have lots of aquaintances but no real friends to speak of. Two people I consider to be close to I see very sporadically, one lives 200 miles away and I feel like our lives are going in different directions and have less in common and the other is a former work colleague and whilst we still grab an afternoon here and there the conversations are limited to what’s going on at my previous work place where she still works and means much less to me.

My family are very disinterested in me and unless I make the first move they don’t bother. DH’s family are much the same. DH and I have no joint friends and invitations are zero. I’ve just had the last week off work and I’m that time I’ve seen no one except DH and my DC.

I’ve tried joining clubs, classes but I find it hard to go anywhere on my own and when I do, I sit / do by myself, loiter to chat then realise no one is interested and hurriedly disappear. I’ve tried engaging with the mums from DS’s school but it’s hard as I also work at the school he attends so I’m not in the playground at the start/end of the day and people are wary of saying things around me because of my job!

I just don’t know how to get out of this lonely rut I’m in.

Honestly? You seem to have a full life - husband, child, job, plus distant family and a wide circle of acquaintances. I’m wondering if you feel genuinely lonely (rather than just bored) and whether you’re comparing your life to something imaginary or instagrammed.

You say I find it hard to go anywhere on my own - and, given that you haven’t found clubs or classes provide a miraculous new social circle - why not make more of life with your husband and son? How much effort do you put into family trips, taking your child to new places and sharing new experiences? And at home - there are always more activities you could enjoy together - chess, magic, cooking, genealogy. I know it’s not what you asked - but I do wonder if you’re too distracted by a perception of other people’s lives to fully and wholeheartedly engage in the one you have.

You have a husband and child. Count your blessings. Some people have absolutely nobody.

What about activities where engaging with the people is secondary to the main purpose?
I play Bridge, and there is a bit of chat (and more as I've got to know people) but the main purpose is the card game and you can't chat while you are playing.
I also did dog agility, again the main focus is on you and your dog, but you chat to other people around that - mainly about the dogs.

I'm not suggesting either of these are for you, but something with its own purpose.
What would YOU like to do?

What unhelpful responses!

you are allowed to yearn for more than 2.4 families out of life!

it’s wise to build your social circle beyond your immediate family. It will build your confidence, fill your cup in new ways and help you come back to your family feeling like a whole person with their own life and interests.

if you want to make new friends you have to keep meeting new people and engaging to see who you click with.
theres not really a short cut but to keep getting out and doing new stuff with new people.

sorry you’re feeling lonely, I would be too!

im a single parent but I have a full social life and rarely feel lonely anymore

Of course you can fee lonely, even with a husband and child, don’t listen to the previous posters.

Do you feel lonely because you don’t do enough with your DH and child? Or is it that you want to do more things for you and things that make you happy?
Donyou know why you feel lonely?
Clubs, classes and meet ups are the only way if your looking for more friends. I made a bunch on bumble if that helps?

You’re not lonely, you have a DH and DC, you feel lonely. I get it, I’ve felt this way too.
You need to do things on your own, like the gym/shopping etc. You not going to get friends just because you want them. Work on being happy doing stuff without people.

I hear you. I have children and a job and friends. Since lockdown eased I have been going out more and making an effort to reconnect with friends. But I can’t seem to feel any connection. I often see on these boards it is hard to make friends the way we used to when younger so I wonder if it is that. I feel completely alone and it is very distressing.

I’ve thought more recently that the old social clubs and WI might be the way forward. My DM certainly had a large friendship group from going to the Catholic Club.
Also, I saw some people doing volunteer gardening in a park recently. They were all retired age, having a laugh and a brew together.

Feeling lonely is absolutely horrendous and removes the joy from life, so you have my upmost sympathy. You have to choose your activities carefully. Not all social events and hobbies are good for socialising or camaraderie. Cycling, walking and running clubs can be good. There's a riding school I know of that has a weekly older ladies class. They have a lesson first and then the whole group has lunch together. Everyone is included, no one left on the side lines. Book/reading clubs involve everyone conversing.

Agree with Chasing - find things that you like to do that way you will be busy, fulfilled and doing something you enjoy and, at the very least, you will meet like minded people. I do quite a bit of volunteering around an issue I am passionate about .. it is very rewarding in itself but the upside is that I meet people who are also involved and several have become friends.

No disrespect to you OP but this comes up frequently on Mumsnet and the main issue seems to be that the OP doesn't really have any interests or hobbies - on a recent similar thread the OP was very negative about all the usual suggestions of finding a hobby, joining a club, volunteering etc.

Friends don't just appear 'out of nowhere' - surely you need some sort of 'connection' before a genuine friendship develops. In my life I meet people who want to have 'friends' but don't seem to appreciate you need to make a real effort - I met someone for a coffee who had recently moved to our town, she kept complaining that she hasn't made friends but wouldn't do anything proactive to get involved in the community ... she kept wanting to meet for coffee but her only topic of conversation was that she couldn't make friends and was lonely . Every (gentle) suggestion to join something or get involved with an activity (I would have accompanied her) was met with a negative response.

Many people in your situation make friends through their kindness kids friends.
Invite one of DS's friends Mum's out with you. Invite them in for a drink after a play date. Invite them for a coffee when you have time.
Some will be more receptive than others but plenty of people feel like you do.

I find it really odd that on MN, if you have a DH and DC, you are supposed to be entirely content with no other company. Waiting for the "My DH is my best friend" posters to arrive:)

Agree that some activities are better than others. Things that have worked for me are book clubs, volunteering and a club for women in my profession. Things that did not: yoga, gym...

Another vote for hobbies and interests. You have to keep turning up, speaking to people and being friendly. Also if the activity doesn't feel 'friendly' as in people aren't friendly or inclusive move onto ones that are. There's nothing worse than that 'tumble weed' feeling of an unfriendly atmosphere.

I took early retirement this year and so far I have got lucky with the hobbies I have chosen in that they are very inclusive - yoga, art classes, dancing classes and literature classes, probably because they are 'up my street' and make me genuinely fulfilled Even a slimming class I joined last year is very friendly.

Keep trying Op.

You have a few key areas that it is possible to meet new friends:

You work in a school so can you arrange a night out with some of the teachers/staff that work there?
Host a BBQ with dc's friends and invite the parents along for drinks. Just because you work in a school that shouldn't prevent you from seeing other parents.
Make good use of your neighbours and invite them over, you may find a few kindred spirits.
Pick up old friends and arrange a get together
Hobbies etc all good for meeting new people
Make the effort with your family, organise some things then ask them to take their turn, if they don't want to, thats okay do something low cost and low effort so you don't resent it

If you are expecting a social life to fall into your lap, it rarely works that way op. You need to put in plenty of effort at the beginning especially, and maintain it.

Perhaps I didn’t spell out my thought with enough … granularity. I’m certainly not saying the OP should only have her DH and child as her friends! I am saying that she may find, if she engages with more intensity in the things she does with them - whether amateur archaeology or riding or singing in a choir - those activities may open up her world in unexpected ways.

The OP wrote that she doesn’t find it easy to go out alone - whether for reasons of mobility, shyness, lack of confidence or finances, she doesn’t say. So it seems pointless to direct her to more individual hobbies.

Volunteering is a good way to make friends, somewhere you work together as a team. Or anything else with a 'team' environment - sports club or similar.

Don’t worry about being the one to make the first move! I always do and slowly the efforts pay off. If they don’t so be it but at least I have enjoyed their company!

I would say volunteering, I have taken art classes but didn’t make any long lasting friends.Then again it was just a bit of a dabble in a hobby I was not a great artist whereas the voluntary work was a passion.

I also think friends outside if immediate family is a good thing, my DH is someone who I feel closer to than anyone else but life’s rich tapestry and all that.

I sometimes think that the one thing on MN that hasn’t worked out is the local pages for meeting up. It’s a shame really and would actually be a really good function.

reframe it as you have a lot of time on your hands, whats the most positive thing you could do with that time you might otherwise be socialising?

• set up a new business?
• be super creative (art etc)
• volunteer
• take up sport

loads of things - the above might not necessarily bring you social friends etc but they would refocus your thoughts in a new and possibly more fulfilling way, maybe with a later result of increased confidence / new friends etc. If that happens it is of course a bonus.

What is your burning desire in life??

I think a lot of posters are confusing being alone with being lonely.

We don't have a wide social circle. DH is deeply unsociable and has never made an effort to make friends since we moved here 18 years ago.

I recently joined a book group, and we meet in the pub once a month. After the book review we just chat.

The other group I socialise with is a volunteering organisation. The people are lovely and sociable and arrange loads of social events as well as lots of fund raising events.