Irrationally got my hopes up now sad- single and not pregnant

[Beingadiv]

Don't know why I'm writing this really, just that it helps me to do so sometimes.

I'm single, 36, want a family more than anything but have been dating for 4 years. Some short relationships up to a year but haven't found the right man. Starting to worry. Sperm donation isn't an option for the next few years.

I had a fling recently which I have decided not to continue. We had sex last week. Used condoms. No tears but he had a bit of trouble getting them on. Dunno if it was a different type to usual. Realised later it was when I was fertile (I use a period app).

6 days later, I had light pink spotting and cramps for 2 days. This went away. It was one week before my period was due so I thought 'implantation bleeding?'. Nothing for half a day but I felt a bit off.

My imagination ran away with me and I considered I might be pregnant. I was worried at first as the guy wasn't the perfect gentleman (nothing awful just not a long term prospect). In working through 'what if?' I ended up reconciling myself to the idea and actually getting my hopes up.

I've now started bleeding more (still lighter so far than a normal period in full flow and quite watery blood) so am fairly sure I'm not pregnant. I feel so sad!! My cycle went a bit haywire after the covid jab plus I am under stress so might be that. Just worrying that I will miss my chance to be a mum and it felt for a few hours like it could be happening.

Not sure what I'm asking. Any ideas on how to meet someone? I'm dating online as regularly and as wisely as I can, have interests etc. I get plenty of interest (not being a cocky) but just feel like there is nobody out there for me. I think I'm also a bit avoidant. Long story. I've had therapy.
I am fulfilled in my life, interests, friendships, career etc. It is just the family is missing and I definitely want this.

I worry I'm looking for perfection in a match. I don't mean model looks or a millionaire, I mean a real connection and being able to trust them rather than just wanting someone who is keen and seems decent at this stage.

I can really see how that would have been an emotional rollercoaster to go through. Sometimes these ‘what if’ events can cause a big shift in the way we think about things. Help us to re-prioritise.

How to meet someone? It’s great that you are getting interest… do you have a bit of a list in your mind of what you’re looking for in a partner? How many things are on there? Are all of them essential or are some negotiable?
it could be that your filter is set too harshly and what you’re seeking doesn’t exist or it could be your filter could be set perfectly and it’s just a numbers game, and you need to keep going.
When you look back, are there signs things ended prematurely or do you think it was the right decision? Connection and trust takes time and (I think) it’s impossible to find everything in just one person… there will be compromises somewhere.
Either way you sound lovely and I hope you find real happiness.

Why is sperm donation out of the question for you? It sounds like you would be perfectly happy to be a single mum

Please don't leave sperm donation for two more years. You are happy to be a single mum, you don't have a partner and are aged 36. What are you waiting for?

Thanks for understanding mercurysmeteor .

Yes, I was surprised at how emotional this made me. I don't mind saying there were tears. I think I worked it through mentally and got used to the idea so quickly as i my first thought was that this guy might not have been the easiest coparent but I could make it work.

In terms of filters, I think what I have is pretty reasonable, 5 years younger to 10 years older, an hour's travel time but I stipulate no kids (I know that narrows it but there are practical reasons as well.as just preference) and someone who isn't too permanently rooted in my current area. I have a physical 'type' but it's not very restrictive. I go for someone who has a good bio or who has answered some questions on the app, or even who has shown a lot about themself using photos and looks friendly. I have a few red flags (experience!). I've tried paid and free apps.

I don't think I've ruled out anyone too quickly. The last few have started well and all wanted the same things but there has definitely been some issue. I have been back in touch with an old flame (we chat now and again anyway) and am seeing if anything happens there.

Thanks PPs. Sperm donation isn't really practicable at the minute financially. I decided that because I was child free, I would get as much career fulfillment as possible and am retraining (just under 3 years to go). This has taken up most of my savings. I could make being a mum work, even single, but don't have thousands to outlay on sperm donation.

This will result in a reliable, well paid job so I will be able to provide for myself and a family again soon but unfortunately the timing is such that me retraining coincides with needing to get on with it if I want a baby which I do. It wasn't a course I could really put off as it is very competitive.

Your filters are absolutely fine - don't ever let anyone suggest you are too picky/choosy/selective unless that person will admit that they could have married anyone - that their partner could literally have been a face painted on a balloon mounted on a stick and it would have made no difference to their life.

Because of course it does make a huge difference, and this board is full of women posting about the ways a bad/wrong partner makes life a misery.

Stick with the free dating sites - no point wasting money. Away from the sites, also try and make some new friends who will introduce you to their circles of acquaintances. You need a flow of new people into your life to give yourself a good chance of meeting someone.

Also explore the option of solo parenthood by choice - the Donor Conception Network run excellent discussion groups for women thinking of going down this path. You may never need to consider it, but getting good information now will mean you don't let your chance at a family slip away.

Also recommend signing up to the Single Supplement newsletter, for interesting articles on being single, dating etc.

Maybe you should join some single parents by choice Facebook groups to get more info on being a single mum and sperm donation. I understand how you’re feeling to a certain extent because I was a single parent to one child and really wanted another but had no prospects of that happening. If I were you I wouldn’t leave it much longer, either get a loan to pay the sperm donation fees or see if you can find a trustworthy altruistic donor through a group. If you are mainly looking for a man to have a child with your hormones will lead you and after getting pregnant you might realise you need to break up and then you may have to coparent with someone difficult. It may be better to start off single on your own terms. Read up on the experiences of single mothers by choice and then decide. But don’t leave it too late and miss your chance if you really want to be a mum.

I'm sorry showing my ignorance here, but how does sperm donation cost thousands ? Surely it's fairly straight forward process ?

Otherwise what about asking the old flame up front about being your child's father ?

As other's have said at 36, if motherhood is a priority I would crack on with it.

How much is it then?

From the research I've done, it would be in the low thousands minimum. Say around a grand or 2 per attempt. I haven't seen any cheaper organisations than that. I wouldn't want to use an unofficial donor such as I've read about.

To be honest I don't love the idea of sperm donation with it no longer being anonymous.

At the moment I am fine day to day financially but poured everything into this course.

The old flame, yes. I am sort of weighing up the best way to approach this. He knows I want children and what age I am so I think I just need to be open about how if he is still interested then I would be hoping to try sooner rather than later.

Sorry posted too quickly that wasn't meant to be snappy, just wondered if i was missing a trick somewhere as the research I have done does look quite expensive. Not talking tens of thousands for one attempt but more readies than I have.

Sorry OP I needed to go on school run. I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide, you didn't sound ag all snappy, you sound lovely and very deserving of a family of your own. 🌷

Echoing the above poster - dont let anyone tell you your standards are too high. Taking out the partnership side of it completely for a second, you are choosing which man your children have as a father. Thats a very big, important job and you are doing the right thing by taking that seriously. There was a thread a couple of weeks ago on regrets and SO MANY women said their childs father, not because of a relationship breakdown but because of their performance as a parent and the impact they had on the children.
Wishing you the absolute best of luck OP.

Sperm donation that you self administer is in the hundreds. It becomes more expensive if they administer, if it is washed etc
IVF, and egg donation is tens of thousands and the longer you wait the more likely an option that becomes.

Don’t let anyone tell you you are being too picky. Settle now and you’ll suffer later on.

However- a man who ticks all of your boxes is hard to find, and takes a while to look for. If you want to be a mother- it’s best to do it with with 36 year old eggs through IUI, even if that means alone.

Fertility treatment isn’t always a sure thing and success rates do lessen with age.

I think you need to do some serious thinking- it’s not a nice thought, but especially as you rightfully aren’t setting for any old Nigel- you might be in the same position in 2-3 years time. How would you feel about that?

Single motherhood with donor sperm is better for everyone than tying you both to someone useless forever.

I'm curious about your filter someone who isn't too permanently rooted in my current area

Are you looking to move away from your current area? Where do you want to be instead? Why wouldn't you be there and dating there now?

@DirtyteaCup if you mean 'self administer' like at home then you can't do that with sperm bought from a clinic if you live in England. One bank used to ship it over but they won't any more and even then it cost more than a few hundred.

A vial of sperm is around £1000 depending on which bank it is from. IUI is then £1000-1500 per try on top of that but varies quite wildly from clinic to clinic.

IVF only costs tens of thousands if specific treatment or doing reciprocal IVF. Straight up IVF varies clinic to clinic but an average sort of cost is £6-8k

Good luck OP, hope you work it all out but do fact check your options as there is a lot of misinformation out there. If Solo parenting is an option in a few years for you then something like a fertility fair with experts might help you to consider options

I've had to move somewhere to retrain because my course is limited where they offer it. I don't want to stay in this area, I will need flexibility for work also the area is just not for me at all so would like someone who is open to moving.

Thanks for the advice all, I'll look into fertility fairs, hadn't heard of these. I had been looking at individual companies so far.

The idea of an unknown man being contactable by my child as its father worries me a bit. I've had quite a few adverse experiences with men so am maybe overthinking that but it does put me off in case a donor was not a nice guy and I had zero knowledge about him other than the limited info given.

Aaah Apologies, Friend got if from Netherlands. It was in the few hundreds though.