I’ve self harmed for years and years since I was a teenage girl - so coming up twenty odd years now - but usually in ways that don’t leave marks/scars etc .
Trauma last weekend and I got home after and did something I’ve never done before . I then did it again the next day … and the next … and 7 days later, it’s the first thing I think of in the morning is that I want to do it again and again .
it doesn’t hurt but it feels perversely that I’m doing something I’m in control of and something that’s in my power, when everything else isn’t .
I had a video call with an OOH GP mid week who must have noticed and rang my surgery, as the practice nurse rang the next day and told she was concerned for me, and wanted me to try to stop whilst it’s still ‘new’ . She said it isn’t helping me, she wants me to be kind to myself instead of this .
I don’t want to be kind to myself . I don’t like myself, I don’t feel good about myself at all just now . I feel completely alone in the world, useless to everyone around me, and this feels like the only thing I’m in charge of, and can do to myself privately (mostly) . Something I could be ‘good’ at .
I’m scared I’ll go too far though and regret it . Each time I stop I want to start again because it’s not ‘enough’ .
I don’t know what to do .